dreaming of hollywood

wish wash wish wash.

03.04.06 (6:04 pm)   [edit]
the scales never seem to balance. there are so many great things about the city. the beaches, the water, the lifestyle. the peace and the parks and the laid back downtown. i love it here. but it's lonley. i miss home. the moments of i want to go home and more and more frequent. i miss my bed. i miss my sense of own. i wish our friends and familys would come to visit. i wish i had something to do.

living in the west end...

02.28.06 (1:34 am)   [edit]
So today is February 27th and i am in my room in our Vancouver condo. I've been here now for two full weeks and i'm finally able to write. its been to hectic, too unsettled prior to now to have a moment to write let alone articulate this experience. this venture started off with a conflict. my agent in toronto called me with an audition for SWGTS, a show that i have auditioned for before and have a good repore with the director. Tuesday. the day AFTER i was set to arrive in vancouver. i was torn, i hated to upheavel our plans and i know that it would stress mark out. and i was really excited about this being our adventure together from start to finish and then i get this call... i was going to stay, and then not, and then stay and then not but ultimatley i decided to go forth as planned. I knew i was walking away from oppertunitys. i knew that from the start. walking away from something and walking into the unknown is hard. the unknown could be great, better and filled with opertunity, but the unknown could also be absolutley nothing. only time could tell. and no one ever wins big playing it safe. i had mananged to momentarily filter all my hesitations, fears and doubts out and turn them in to focus, the risk and thrill of what could be out here for me. you have to try. you will never know unless you try. The unknown became a growing plane - first the unknown of what my carrer path was and then the unknown of my personal life. it was scary, there were so many different possible outcomes to this 'unknown' what if mark wants to stay and i dont. or i want to stay and he doesnt? what if the scales of comprimise dont balance. my own thoughts were enough to keep me awake for nights. kyle offered up his advice - uncencored. dont go. you're making a big mistake. he says. he told me that he thinks that my relationship with mark is making me make huge sacrifices that he would not make for me and that i should rethink my desision. not helpful. when you're already unsure and scared youre friends telling you youre about to ruin your life can be dicouraging. but on the other hand what more could i expect. i have to say that i remain shocked that kyle cannot see that our relationship is solid. i mean in the beginning maybe kyle had some merit to being concerned but i think he sould have been able to see by now that we're not going to fall apart. we're stronger than that and we will deal with what comes our way as it comes our way. None the less maybe my nerves and my insecurites led me to bring it up. i asked mark all the what ifs and he said that we'll have to see what happens. it just wasnt good enough for me, i wanted a promise that it would be okay, that we would be okay. i kept asking if i was going to make the move out here for him if i needed to make the move back would he do that for me. then he picked up on the real issue, which i hadn't even realised that it was until the words came out of his mouth. If he would choose to be with me above all else. that is what i wanted to know i suppose. he assured me that i am a factor in his desisions and that we would work it out if the situation arose. i believe him. i suppose i always knew it but needed to hear it. So i packed my bags. and i went to sleep. the morning had come. i wrote my mother a letter to tell her i love her. things have changed so much between me and her with out hardly word being spoken. i truly was going to miss her. the flight was fine, i took a nap and we watched tv. 5 hours and we were in vancouver. mark was feeling very ill. perhaps from the travel,the plane food we werent sure... we went to gather our luggage. things were different here. it was quieter here. luggage carts are free. people are calmer. we went to get our rental car draging our giant suitcases behind us. we figured out that we needed to take a shuttle bus to the rental place. we walked outside. the air smelled like freshness with a hint of fish. you could smell that you were somewhere new. we got on the shuttle bus and mark looked like he was going to be sick. i felt so awful for him and wished so much for him to feel well. i took time to take in the moments anyway, this was it, this was our new home. the bus drove a short while and i was taken back by the terrain. mountains. around a large city, these huge beautiful snow topped mountains. i was mezmorized. it was warmer already and i was excited to see the city. we got to the rental place and i passed by the tourists and the old people to the front of the line to get the car. there were problems and unexpected charges but i didnt argue, mark wasnt holding up too well. we jammed our luggage into the car and i drove us off the lot. about one block away. mark was so sick that he couldnt be in the car, and i'm sure that my driving wasnt helping. i drive to canadian tire where he got in and out of the car and into the store to throw up. i got him some water. i so wanted him to be better. for him and for me. i wanted to get to our place i wanted to get settled see where our new home was. but it was about to be a slow venture home. after about 40 mins or so mark got in the car and we drove to the womans who had the keys. i drove a new car and in a new city all by myself. mind you we had to pull over a few times for mark to throw up. this was one bad situation. finally we drove to downtown vancouver. the signs are different and the lights do wierd things. but the drivers are calmer and slower. perfect. we got to our apartment and the building was nice. we opened the door and were plesantly suprised. small but very new and homly. it was clean and comfortable and the view - amazing. the mountains over looking the bay. its truly beautiful here. mark and i unpacked a little and we took a walk around the area. starbucks, pizza hut, dominos, subway and mcdonalds. sweet. tons of little restaurants and the grocery store was right there. we bought a pizza from dominos and went home to watch the bachelor. the next few days we spent exploring the city. i put myself on tape for a pilot in NYC. i visited casting w. and we walked and walked all over the city. our feet and backs ached. soon after we discovered sushi. sushi here is amazing. we have an all you can eat place just a block away. so delish. we went there for valentines day. it was so lovley. i was supposed to meet with some agents but for some reason or another they were moved. mark's agent called him with an audition for some pilot. this week i wasnt feeling myself. i wasnt unhappy but unsettled. i didnt really like anything, i didnt feel much about anything. things were annoying me for no reason. i think i felt like i wasnt moving forward but i couldnt really understand it. all i know was that i was probabley distant and grumpy. on the sunday mark had his audition. it seems suspect from the start. they were seeing him and only him for some filler scenes for something that had already been shot. he was a stipper/sex scene. he was to meet this man in a hotel room to work the scene. hmmm. in my gut i knew there was something not right about this. i felt like there was something all wrong about this man and about this piece. the script was garbage and not even written in the standard. and the working the scene in a hotel room. i even suprised myself at my lack of emotion. i felt lathargic and asleep. i didnt care. i cared but i wasnt having the anxity that i SHOULD have been having over this. and i didnt say anything mucb other in my joking manner about my concern over this meeting. so he went. and everything i feared happened. the didnt just work the scene they did the scence. the directore was some sort of voyeristic pervert encouraging the sexual contact. mark called me after the audtition to tell me and he said that i didnt want to know, he said it went too far and that he felt very uncomfortable with it. he told me partial details and about the man who excecuted this debocale. his story lit my fire. whatever had died, whatever daze or slump i was in was over. i could feel again. i cared. all the feeling came rushing back like someone had opened the floodgates. i could feel it in my heart and in my veins and in my mouth. i met mark to exchange the keys and then i went on my first walk alone in the city. i cried. i cried and cried. i didn't even know what i was crying about. i just knew that it hurt me. i hated. that wasnt an audition. you dont do that in auditions. and then i thought of mark and i knew that he meant it when he said he was uncomfortable with it. i knew it wasnt him. but i hated that he was put in that room i hated this. and they offered him the part and i knew he would take it. if it was an oppertunity he would take it. i could only imagine what other unethical and perverse things would lie ahead. i was angry. i was hurting and i had no control over it. i hated it. when i got back mark was anxious about me being upset and it seemed that he was still unsure about what to do, which didnt make sense because i was sure he was going to do it. i told him how i felt and he was to speak with his agent. his agent called and he went into the other room and spoke. i couldnt hear. he came out and told me that he wasnt going to do it. a wave of relief swept over me. he told me that his agent was disgusted and outraged by what occoured. he then elaborated about the encounter. i want to vomit and i tear up writing this now. he hadnt shared with me the whole details. this man directed him to put his hand down the girls underwear she was topless and i dont even know what else happened. it was all i could take. i know he felt wrong about it and the he too was releived about it. if he was single maybe itd be different but i know that being the good person that he is that he was feeling disloyal. I was devestated. DEVESTATED. i cried and cried. i dug my nails deep into my chest and rans then down my body trying to take away from the pain, i pulled and my hair and just wished for something to hurt more than this was hurting me. i know he didnt mean to, i know he was confused at time and not sure of what was happening but he still did it. why did he do it?? why? why didnt he just walk away. he knows thats too far, nudity is too far and in a hotel room for FUCKS SAKE. he should have known better. HE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER. he said he felt like he cheated. well i do feel cheated and i do feel betrayed. it's so many shades of grey because i know where his heart is and i know it hurts him that i'm hurting. but FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!! Why did he do it. This is my boyfriend, this is my life too and all of this has nothing to do with me, i just wanted to shake him so hard, just shake him. FUCK. He should have known better. i wasnt mad at mark. it happened. he didnt mean it. but I was raging. RAGING. I was so angry that angry wasnt even anger anymore. it was rage. pure firey rage. I was angry and this man who brought him there who conducted this sick twisted sharade with promises of sucess. i wanted to hurt him. sometimes i truly believe i am capable of killing someone. i wanted him dead. i truly did. the rage was so consuming i couldnt stop thinking about it. i hated feeling like this. i hated it. i hated that this man had created this situation that made me feel like this. i wanted it out. i wanted the visions out and the rage out of my body. i walked and walked and walked. i had a meeting with an agent. i walked and walked and raged and walked. i never told mark how i felt cheated on. that i felt betrayed and i never told him about the rage that was taking over my body. because NOTHING could change it. so i either had to move forward or move on. and moving on is not an option, we're stronger than this. so it was up to me to move forward. at the very least at least my passion was back. mark was blading to catch up with me. i dont know why he came. i knew he knew i was troubled. he was being so good. he was just waiting for me to come back. he didnt pressure me or act out. he just waited. i met with agent. the second one of the trip. we spoke and it clicked immediatley. just like amanda. she was so excited and enthusiastic about me and had such exciting plans and goals. and then i noticed her red hair. just like Anne had said. i tried to ignore it but i couldnt. uncanny or conincidental i'm not sure which one. i agreed for her to represent me and we filled out all the paperwork and got things started. i was on a high. i was excited about me again. Slowly the rage slipped out of my body. the hurt was still there. but the rage was gone, i had something good to focus on again. i told mark about it who had waited at a local cafe. i was excited. i could see that he was happy and confused at the same time. its hard for him not to compare himself to me. and vice versa. we walked home. healing. we decided to walk by the new amsterdam cafe on the way home. it was the most bizzare encounter i've ever had. we walked into the cafe where people were all eating and drinking and rolling joints. there was a room in the back for smoking. i asked about the secong floor where patrick from tribe had suggested us to go. the mark asked some brazillian tourists about where to buy. the door next door led us to a room with a bouncer and a man with a cash box and a scale. we bought 20. what a blantat disregard for the law. so bizzare. The rest of the week we did some more exploring, we smoked weed and watched the few channels we had. we saw D&T and marks friend dominic. things were settleing down. i was beginning to feel settled and at home. the idea of staying was becoming more and more feasable. I applied at aritzia and was offered a job there. 10/h. i am excited and dreading it at the same time. but i need to make an income to take care for my bills. Visa took money from my account and my cards were racking up. the stress that comes from debt is awful. i also applied at the ebay call centre in burnaby. we shall see. My agent in Toronto called to tell me that the the casting director in NYC receieved my tape. and they sent two tapes to LA for the casting. two, it was down to two girls and mine was one of them. The CD called about my american working status. motherfuck. so close. what a great feeling though. at least i came close. at least i came close. but close isn't good enough. my skin is causing me great concern. its acting up and freaking me out. i went to the dr who precribed me this cream. its not working. i'm going to go try proactive again and stick to it. So here we are in the third week here. i feel comfortable and lost at the same time. i have done everything that i can do and now i just have to wait and see what happens. there is so much more unknown each day. but it is okay. i feel at peace that we will figure it out together. this peace is now letting me enjoy the things that i have. i am now able to enjoy living with mark, sharing a place and a life. i enjoy our bed and our bath tub. i enjoy making tea. i enjoy our dinners and our conversations. i look at him and smile. i have time to remember to love him and enjoy what that feels like. its so easy with him so natural. its not work to be in this relationship. i am enjoying the rish i took and living in a new city. i'm enjoying the new contacts i've made and the potential. last night i told mark a story. i told him a mama story. i miss my mom. i miss her face and her smile. i wish that i could be there with her. i see more and more each day what a wonderful mother she was. retelling her mama stories. those are memories that last forever. i wish i could see her. i also miss earl and my cats and my dad too. but thats okay. i wish i could see them too but if i had only one wish it would to see my mom.

never good enough

02.02.06 (8:06 pm)   [edit]
not even one day. i woke up this morning to the sound of the radio signals crossing causing my alarm clock to emit a static sound. i felt around for my phone. it was him. he sounded cheerful, perhaps eger to talk as we simply just didn't speak much the day before. i felt much better after a good nights sleep. i felt like my worries and my over active brain were calmed. i realized that the issue of conversion was not an iminent issue. although at the same i time i do feel its better to talk about these things before they really become an issue. we took a trip to my agents office. i was nervous about telling them of my chioce to head out to vancouver. the meeting went well although they discouraged my trip they proved that they were eger to continue working with me. we drove back to his place and he went to his mothers room to say hello. i hesitated. there was something about the way she said hello the last time i saw her that didnt sit well with me. i went in to say hi. she was cold and guarded. we started to speak of vancouver and out trip and i was greated with her dissaproval. she expressed her displeasure towards our choices. then she asked me if i would convert. she said it was very important. she said that she spoke with cole and that he said i was very smart and would say what i could to get mark. she doubted my intentions and my sincerity. i was devestated. i gave my everything for mark, i sacrificed my own wants, needs and feelings so he could feel ready for our relationship. i never manipulated or misled anyone and to be accused of that is heartbreaking. i dont know how much damage was done. i know that mark loves his family very much and im sure he would like the woman he marrys to be accepted by his family and welcomed. i'm sure he would like her to be welcome on friday nights and be part of the family. i'm sure these things are important.and i'm scared that i will not be able to give him that. i cannot be where i am not welcome. i dont want there to be a divide. i love him so much, so truly so unconditionaly that if that is something he wants for his future i will let him go as much as that breaks my heart.

conversion.

02.01.06 (11:25 pm)   [edit]
I might burst into tears again. i'm scared. for the first time ever in my relationship has a problem arisen that i was unsure about the outcome. conversion. i had no idea how complicated and messy this issue would be. i didnt realize how many intricate layers there are to one single issue. i didn't realize how many peoples feelings are involved. when i first met mark, he told me that he's jewish but he wasn't practicing. i'm not quite sure where that comment came from but its certainly quite a strech from the truth. perhaps his own spiritual beliefs are different but being a part of such a tight knit family would reveal that being jewish is a major part of his life. as our relationship and our love developed i realized that there was a certain sense of importance that being jewish held for mark. i was able to see the gifts of a jewish upbringing and the idea of having our own family one day became appealing. i seriously thought about our future family and i felt that one day converting and rasing our kids jewish would be something i would want. i had my own reasons, i saw things that mark had growing up that was missing from my childhood that i would want for my children. i know that traditionally it is encouraged that jews marry jews to have jewish babies and that marks family would certainly prefer if he was to have a jewish partner. so when marks mother asked me if i would convert i could confidently say yes. i know that this was something that both his parents were pleased about and i was happy that my choice could make them happy. Lately this seemingly perfect arrangement, which once seemed so black and white is getting grey. After a conversation between cole and marks mother about conversion it was expressed that i must absoulutley convert. this was something that marks mom felt very strongly about and will not budge on. When it was brought up that mark and i had discussed having lights and a hunakah bush i'm told that she thought this was rediculos and strongly discouraged it. now i wasnt there for the conversation so i cant really say anything about it but its something that is causing me stress and worry. I have a very good relationship with his parents and i love them very much. they are kind and loving people and have treated me very well. which makes it so hard to question their motives. There really is no issue because i want to convert, they want me to convert so whats the problem? The problem is the reasoning and motives behind my reasons and their reasons and how they differ. I absoulutley have to convert. or what? what would happen if i didn't want to? would i no longer be accepted? and why is it so important? i honestly dont have an answer to these questions. i would like one and i can handle the answer as long as its honest. why when karen talks of dating a non-jew is it such an awful idea, if she found someone who loved her and she loved and they could have a beautiful life together what is it that is so wrong about not being jewish. i want to understand. I also think that what conversion means to me and what conversion means to marks family are two different things. I am who i am no matter what. If i convert i would be jewish, our children would be jewish. We would learn and teach about the jewish history and traditions and incoporate them into our family and their upbringing. We will be a jewish family. But i will never forget where i came from and the roots of my family. I will always be very proud of my family and i want our children to know and understand where their mother came from. i'm not asking for any sort of christian upbringing but i am asking for knowledge and understanding of their background because it is still part of them. i want them to celebrate diversity and embrace other cultures. so if that means having a christmas tree or decorating for chinese new year,I dont ever want ot have to hide the fact that i was not born jewish. One of the reasons i would like to raise a jewish family is because i see the sense of family, community and belonging that mark had growing up that i did not have. But the one thing my family taught me growing up and that i would like to pass on to my children is tolerance and acceptance. love and happiness are the essense of life and there are no rules attached to that. At the end of the day when someone asks our children what's their background they can say... "i'm jewish. my parents are both jewish, my dad is polish and russian and my mom is indian and german. grandparents on my dads side are jewish and my grandparents on my moms side are christian and way back when a great great grandfather was hindu. And i think thats pretty cool" and i hope that everyone involved can hear that answer with pride and see what a remarkable child that would be. But there is a very good chance that that is not the case and because of that i am scared. Lastly in my mind i would covert after marraige and before children. I do not want to have a religion specific wedding. i do not want to be married by a priest or a rabbi. my love with mark has no denonmination and so i feel it should not be marked as such. what does mark want? would this make me a permanent outcast. i know what happens when someone crosses his parents want for their children. i dont want to end up like dan. and he's jewish!

unwelcome visiter

12.28.05 (11:03 am)   [edit]

the thing about reality is that it sucks. there is no perfect. and believing that things could be perfect is only self destrutive because the only thing that could come out of it is dissapointment.

today i got the lovley news that KW is back in toronto. this is a funny subject because really i can't even put a proper label or description to it. i don't even know what it is. i know she doesn't want anything from M. And even though i don't think that M wants anything from her i cannot get that day out of my head. the day she called about her stupid ipod. i saw so clearly where he stood. no one can make M do something but if i ever saw a ball and chain it was at that moment. and that was eyeopening. i mean who am i kidding before me it was HER picture in that frame. life goes on and she dissapears for a while and i forget about it and the every once and a while i get the reality knock and she comes back into toronto and i am reminded of this twisted attachement. i wish she would stay away or in actuality i wish mark would let her go. this morning i called mark and he said he was on the other line. i KNEW in my gut it was her. and sure enough it was. i know that i should listen to my instincts because they are always always right but i'm scared because what i feel isn't a welcome feeling. i am waiting for maybe next week or two, M will tell me the day of that he is meeting up with her for some sort of meal. and he won't ask me how i feel he will just tell me and thats that. and i will know that he would have made these plans some time ago and opted not to tell me until the last minuite so there is not time for discussion. its funny how M and i could have such a facade going. i dont think he can truly belive that i believe what he tells me about her. but i choose my battles and this is one that i cannot win so i keep the door shut and my eyes open.

i also believe that when things aren't nessesarily in your favor you have to draw on these experiences and see what you can learn from them. i need to learn to be more aware and in touch with reality because only when you truly admit to yourself what you are dealing with can you work to make it better.

 

 

le sigh...

08.26.05 (8:28 am)   [edit]

well what can i say.

today is different. the whole feel of today is different. is quiet and solum and it seems like time is moving very rapidly. i have 3 days left of work at the college. i'm scared. everyday for the past 4 years i have come to this building. it stopped being a job and somehow became the place that i come in the mornings. everything is so familliar and comfortable. i know all the little details about this place. the days go by quickly here. also the people are good people, these faces are all familliar. i know about their lives and their weekends, their wives and their children. i spend more time with these people then with anyone else. and they care about me. somewhere along the line i made some friends, and even though i never made any effort or participated in any of the social things, i really did make some good friends. i am very very grateful for that. i guess what i'm saying is that, i'm going to miss this place.

this weekend was very interesting and seemed really busy for some reason. on friday i was feeling really crappy because of my lack of friends. i was telling mark on msn how upset i was. he had some good points but i could tell he was weary of me assosiating with my old group. which is understandable. he was very supportive and told me that we're best friends and that i have him. it was very sweet. then he told me to come over so i went by his place and we had a very lovley time. he was so loving. we fell asleep and we slept even though there was a huge thunderstorm. after a little while i helped him with his lines. i really didn't want to because the whole time i kept thinking about the fact that he had to kiss and touch another girl. but thats what i'm hear for, to help him and support him. after that i went home and took a nap. the wrap party for the film was that night. ash keep me posted and asked me when i was coming and all that. i'm not sure about him, i know he likes me. i know he does but does he think he has a chance? hope not. i like him though, he's funny and we get along well. we could have been friends maybe, but oh well. anyway mark was supposed to come with me. he called me and told me he was running late so i went on ahead. i ended up meeting ash just before and we arrived together. i just sat and hung out and chatted with the guys. the party was bare and dull. i was really just putting in time. then mark called and told me he was done, i asked him what scene he had shot and he told me it was that one. i felt sad. i told him not to bother coming that i was leaving soon anyway. i couldn't be happy after that so i just got up and left, i offered ash a ride home. i told hime what was on my mind and he laughed at me. i know that i was being silly but its just the way i felt. i can't help that. so i dropped him home and then i called mark. i told him how much it had upset me and how much crying i had done about the whole thing. he was very appologetic and he felt bad. it was just nice to tell him how i was feeling. the

school vs work

08.11.05 (10:01 am)   [edit]

it's actually beginning to sink in now. i'm starting university in less than a month. holy shit. i'm going to have to do work, and papers and stuff like that. yeesh. i had forgotton why exactly i was so egar to go to school, but trying to balance auditioning and work just wasn't working. i suppose i'm less aware of it now since i've been auditioning way less because of the film and because i have way more freedom working with lynda. but i know that this will be good for me and i will have fun. its just seems so restricting being in school as far as travel is concerned.

mark was talking about going to vancouver next year for pilot season. ideally if he were to go i'd like to go with him and try it out. but i don't finish school until april so maybe he will wait who knows. i'm not sure if this move is the best choice. i know that his mom is very concerned about this. it just seems that its such a financial commitment to do that nevermind a life commitment. even though if i were him, i would not do it. i do support him because you truly do not know what could happen until you try. sure there are no signs saying this move would be of any significant value but there is nothing to say that this couldn't be the oppertunity he's looking for. and mark being as commited as he is i think he would need to give it a shot. it fills me with dread to think what would be if he went there and nothing came of it. it wouldn't be the end of the road as there would be other avenues to venture and essentially the entire world to explore. but i would like nothing more than for his next venture to be the one. so he can stop searching, so he could have a life that he could grow and build and be happy. do all the what ifs could stop.

i'm also realizing that i have to get a job. this totally SUCKS. going from making 50 000 to some dinky hourly wage is going to be a blow to my system. i cannot imagine having to restrain myself. this is horrible. hopefully with some luck i might actually land something and  get some substantial funds. that would be awesome. but i am not that silly to bank on it, so i have to start looking for a restaurant job or call centre or something....

julian offered me a position at his bar. i didn't end up folowing up on it too much. the problem there is that i don't know what's in his head. now i like julian alot - he's a superfun guy but obviously he's just a friend. now i almost forgot a couple years ago on my birthday i was at an afterhours with elaine and rob and i ran into him there and he totally propositioned me. i had actually completley forgotton about that, so now i know he was interested in me. now in my dealings with him since have been perfectly pleasent and he's been very helpful but its those little things that strike me.... telling me how beautiful i am all the time? i'll look good in anything i wear? i'm so exotic? do guys say this sort of stuff to girls they are just friends with?... i dunno, but my gut is telling me i'm asking for trouble...

i just don't think its right for me to go work there, i mean if some chick was desparate to tap marks ass (or have her ass tapped rather) then i don't think i would be too pleased.... so although technically he hasn't done anything too wrong, if i start working there and one night closing up he trys to work it.... i would have put myself there because i saw it coming.  but i remember having a talk with mark about my guy friends always turning out having other motives... and he said that any single guy will have those underlying intentions. so am i being silly? am i sabotaging potential friendships as well as oppertunitys on the premis of something that hasn't even happened yet? i dunno whatever, the whole thing makes my head hurt.

so i still need to get a job.... i'm not exactly sure what or where.... but i want something that won't completley SUCK and something that i could make somewhat decent money. now i just need to figure out what that is.

i would really like to move out. but going to school full-time probabley wont allow that unless i get lucky with a gig or come into some serious money for some reason. i need to keep my goals in sight, i need to pay off my debts and start saving for a house. so maybe the next year will be a little stuffy and crampy but in the long run it will be okay. i will make my room as livable as possible and try to plan some trips and weekend getaways. also christmas is coming up so most places will be hiring, i will try to get a retail job for a little while so i can afford to by presents.

 

kissing and crying...

08.09.05 (7:30 am)   [edit]

last night i went to pick up a box to send the coins and then i called mark to see if he was home so i could drop it off. he was on his way home from the gym playing squash with jeremy so i met him at his house. when i went up to his room i saw the script for the independant film project that he's working on. i asked him if could see it. i scanned though it looking for the jist of he story, the characters, the sum of his parts, i slowed down when i saw his lines highlighted. it was all pretty mundane intricate chatter (which is my favourite stuff anyway) seemed pretty interesting. and then i get to a part where it calls for him to kiss his scene partner and then make out hardcore. my heart fell to my stomach i thought i was going to throw up, my face got all hot. it's not like i didn't know about it, he had already told me and i was totally okay with it. obviously i didn't love it but whatever its a part of the industry. so why was i reacting like this?

i moved over to his computer trying to make busy, even though my brain was really just in a state of shock. i knew i was visibly sad so i had to get out of there as quickly as possible. mark was heading out to jeremy's to watch a movie. he invited me to come but i think it's important that he spends time alone with his friends. but more importantly i couldn't let him see that i was upset. my face just felt so hot and i could feel my eyes start to fill with tears, i managed to fight it. i told him that i had a headache incase he did notice i had a reason for me looking so unwell.

i got in my car and said goodbye to him and he headed off to jer's. the second i shut my car door the tears just wouldn't stop. i couldn't stop crying, i was trying to drive and cry at the same time and then i'd start to laugh at how rediculos this was.... and then start wailing even louder.

what was wrong with me? i totally trust him and i know it's part of the work and some day i'll have to do it too... so i had totally rationalized it in my head but i guess deep down it made me sad. i guess i'm not as tough as i thought. i guess when i think of mark doing a scene like that i think of our scene, and thats really special to me and to think of him doing that with someone else makes me sad.

i can't let him know though, i have to act like i'm totally cool with this because this is really great for him. he hasn't had a project in a while so i want him to enjoy it and have fun and focus on it with out thinking 'my girlfrend is at home crying her eyes out because of this' i don't want him to have to concern himself with my nonsense.

but if he refers her to lewis i'll be pissed. lol.

memory foam....

08.08.05 (10:19 am)   [edit]

i have a problem and i don't know how to fix it.

i don't have any friends. i don't have anybody in my life that i really feel close to that is my friend and mine alone. i think there are many factors that have contributed to this, the fact that i switched high schools 3 times and i always always ended up in the wrong crowd. the fact that i didn't go to university after highschool i missed that social circle there.... the fact that i've had a boyfriend for the past 7 years, i really never needed friends. and then theres the fact that i don't know how to keep friends. i manage to sabotage all of my friendships. i don't know what to do.

but it's apparent now more than ever that i need to have my own circle of friends. when i was with richard we had mutual friends, which i guess automatically sets of bells because look what happened. all the people who i thought were my friends aren't. they'd rather hang around that loser than me. i supose it's a loyalty thing which i get but in the end i get screwed and hurt. so the idea of my only social circle being mark's friends is a tad scary. the other reason this wont work is simply because i don't like mark's friends. i don't dislike them but they certainly are not my friends and i don't see that ever really happening.

i mean i don't like cole. if i never see him again i would be perfectly happy with that. i cannot see what mark sees in him. i don't like hanging out with him so i think from now on mark should hang out with him by himself. i feel bad though because i do like becky and i know that she likes to have me around. then basically there is tim, chris, niel and mozes. just doesn't do it for me. so why should i hang around people i don't particularly enjoy being around and why should mark have to worry about weather i'm having a good time or not. so i think more of my time with mark will be spent one on one. i have to be confident that he loves me, i know he does and that he will make good choices for our relationship. and perhaps because of this our time together will be more valuble. so as a result i have to find some ways to occupy my time... i think once i start school i will be slightly busier and not have the time to go out as much. i would like to start working out and taking a yoga class. i would like to start taking acting classes again. but having people to spend time with, i dont know how i can make that happen. it just needs to happen naturally. i need to believe that i will find these people.

this weekend i went on the rafting trip. well all i can say is that Cole is bloody annoying, he makes me so irritable. i don't even know how to handle it and then it becomes a downward spiral... everything starts pissing me off i am in a horriblw mood, i start looking at the big picture and then i feel that i become unplesant. i become a nusaince to others. and i don't like that. i find him disrespectful and selfish. he's so needy, he can't stand to be away from mark for 5 mins. its disgusting. he seriously has some issues.

when cole wasn't pissing me off everything was reasonably calm and enjoyable. mark offended me a little when he told me that i was being really cold to jen who is tim's 'so-called girlfriend'.

 

jen is simply put - a pathetic loser.

okay i know that might seem harsh but i dont think i'm being mean when thats really the case.

when i see her i can see her crazy manipulative tendancies a mile away. and like i said before the reason i can spot them is because i used to be like that. there was a time when i was so engulfed in my insecurites that i became a toxic person to be around. in fact i caused very good friends some problems and created some situations that shouldn't have happened. the difference is that i'm much smarter than her and i was able to pull the wool over some people's eyes for a long time and some of my underlying intentions and motives were never visable. i was a manipulator. i never meant to hurt anyone, i my intent wasn't to cause harm - it was that i was desperate to keep my life in order. in my life that i had little control over, it was my attempts and holding the pieces together.

and the root of my toxic behaiviour - a very very unhealthy somewhat abusive relationship.

now i could feel sorry for her because i know where her head is at in many ways. but sorry sweetheart - i know how people like her operate and i know the kind of damage that they can do. and i'm not going to open up life up to her and as much as i can i will keep her out of mine and mark's life. someone else in her life is going to have to knock some sense in her and hold her hand but right now all she is is trouble.

mark is a good person and he knows that tim doesn't treat her right and feels sorry for her. i know that they are not friends but he does talk to her quite frequently (msn). i would never ask him not to talk to her, it's not his fault. but it's my natural reaction to want to protect the people i love. i do not ever want to see her try to get mark to play her game. and i know she's worked it in the past but since i've come in the picture i'd like to see that stop. in fact i wouldn't like to see her play her games with any of marks friends. in fact not only that but i don't even feel sorry for her anymore when it comes to her relationship with tim.

I think that what tim does is wrong, he should never treat someone like that and the fact that he cheats on her leaves me with zero respect for him. but tim is one smart guy, he is well aware of what he has and that he is in complete control.

so my distaste for her occours on two levels

1) she's a toxic person

2) and through her manipulation she's stepping on my toes

the thing she fails to see (which i failed to see too) is that by becoming that person you no longer become the innocent party. no longer are you the person who is being done wrong. you are adding fuel to the fire. you deserve the conceuences of your actions. and the moment she sees that she's being self destructive she will be able to change her life.

favourite movie quote

07.23.05 (4:48 am)   [edit]
Do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? It doesn't actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should. When someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part says "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know. The light just never went on, you know. I must have known, of course, but I was too scared to see the truth. Then fear just makes you so stupid.

yuck.

07.19.05 (6:01 pm)   [edit]

today i feel like total shit.

like complete and utter crap. i feel like the ugliest girl on earth right now, fat and ugly. its horrible. think it might be because i stopped taking my pill, my hormones are all over the place. i am beginning to completley obsess about my weight now. i want to be perfect. i want to be skinny. i want there to be not one single flaw. i wish there was a way for this to happen fast. i need to start eating healthier. i learned how to purge, the key is plenty of water. i have yet to try it but i'm glad i know how. i have a problem that when i'm bery hungry all my logic takes over, i loose sight of my goal. and then i settle. i eat crap i shouldn't. its awful. i feel horrible. i need to drink lots and lots of water and eat lots of super healthy foods. i need to work out. i was thinking of ways to make my hunger go away.

all this feeling like shit has made me feel very insecure in my relationship. he is perfect, he has a perfect body and he loves that about himself. how can he be perfect and i be any less. it can't possibly be attractive. i need to get in the same shape as jessica simpson. i have to find a way, if i don't i am a complete failure. i can't even loose 20 lbs? i need to be at least 100lbs or under.

i have to have to have to do this.

so much for that...

07.17.05 (6:51 am)   [edit]

breakthrough.

well i don't know how to feel right now, but at least i got some honesty. last night we went for dessert and we started talking about getting a job. see right now he has no money and he has had no money for a while now. he just did a magic show and i'll be curious to see how he manages that money. well i asked him if was going to get a job and i was trying to help him come up with ideas and i guess i just kept offending him. i was trying so hard to fight back the tears.... he didn't want to hear it and i now know that its one topic i can't get into. but it seems rather important so its unfortuante really. he told me that its all or nothing with him and that if hes not doing what he loves then he doesn't want to do anything at all. and he says that this is the hell that he lives in and that he pity's me for being with him. what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

i don't just leave because he's going though something, i don't just leave because he has no money. i don't just leave because i don't know what to do. i love him, he's the person i want to spend my life with. i want to do so much with him, i want to get married, i want to have a house, i want to travel and explore and just do fantastic things with my life and i want him to be there with me. but he's basically telling me that he can't give me that. its strange though at first i felt to cry but then i was able to pull on that strength from inside and tell myself NO. Not again. i am not going to beg him. i am not going to make him want these things. if he wont pull his life together for me than that is his choice. i will do all these things on my own. i will not let anyone stop me, not again. i'm sad that things aren't the way i hoped they'd be and maybe i'm just not destined to have these things in my life.

i just can't believe this is happening to me again. i am dumbfounded, how could i possibly end up with someone in this situation not once... but twice! and when i first met him i was sure this was going to be different. i was sure that this was going to be better. its not about the fact he has no money, i don't care about that. its that he has no motivation to change his situation. i dont want to be the one that goes out to work each day while he stays home and plays video games. there is a difference between helping someone you love while they are down and being a crutch to a bad situation. sometimes i think the more i help him the less reason he has to do something about his life.

i think life is incredible.... there is soooo much to experience, so much to do, places to see.... i want to do it all. and i don't understand how he could want to just let it pass him by. doesn't he want to do all these things too? sure you have to work jobs you dont really want to do and for less money than you really want but thats life. and the rewards you reap from that are incredible.

 

pet peeve....

07.14.05 (5:38 pm)   [edit]

i figured it out. finally after one year (almost) i found the one thing about him that drives me fucking nuts.

for all the things i do for him, granted he doesn't ask me, he can't give me a fucking drive into work. i start work a 1/2 hour earlier than him and he can't just do it... for me, to be nice. he says he doesn't want to... of course he doesn't want to... but maybe to do something for me that would make me happy. driving me somewhere or picking me up is one thing that i truly truly appriciate...

i can't even describe the torture of the TTC. i honestly have the worst anxiety from it... i am in the worst mood ever when i get home because of the FUCKING HELL that i go through on the bus. i am so livid that i'm a total ass to my parents and i feel like ringing someones neck. thats 4 god damned hours of my life on a filthy disgusting bus/subway/streetcar with nasty people. right now it 35 degrees, even hotter it feels like. its in unhealthy and it feels hotter than hell.... i feel like crying i'm so hot, there is no breeze and i have trouble breathing, i get headaches and i feel fucking sick.... when i get home i need to sleep for at least an hour...

and all i'm asking is that he leave a 1/2 hour earlier than he planned to drive me... he could save me from all of that and i would truly be grateful for that kindness... but NO!!!! and he'll never do it. i don't ask him to drive me or pick me up from work. no. i don't ask him to take me places i want to go. i asked him the other day after the commercial shoot if he could pick me up from bayview and eglington... and he said NO! he 'had a long day'.

i realize that he drives everywhere we go together and he is always responsible for picking me up and dropping me off. and i am aware of that and grateful for it. i acknowledge that and in return i pay for gas sometimes and try to help out with things i can... and also if he didn't, well we'd hardly see eachother so i'd like to think he'd want to.

but other than that if i ask him to do something for me that is just for me, something to make me happy.... he can never fucking drive. today he was coming from an audition today and he was downtown and he couldn't even pick me up. instead he let me take the bus 2 fucking hours of HELL. and when i told him that he was like 'have fun'.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!!? that pushed my button, i thought that was so arrogant. does he understand just how much i hate the TTC??? does he?? that and my day job cause me the most anxiety than anything else. its fucking disgusting.

now i don't mean to compare and i shouldn't (but i am). he is by far the most amazing person i know and he make me happier than anyone ever has. but in all my past relationships i would drive them to work if i could and pick them and they would do the same. if the weren't busy then they would drive me when they could. almost everyday... thats just something i would do for him. anytime.

so thats it i found my hot spot the thing that can set me off like a mad woman.

forky fork fork.....

07.08.05 (5:03 am)   [edit]
i am very uncomfortable with his interest in porn. not porn in general but teenege porn. its a major point of concern for me and when i stumble across it, it makes me very upset to the point where i need to hold back the tears. and the fact that he's thinking of being a highschool teacher really bothers me too.

the weekend away.... the verdict is in.

07.04.05 (2:21 am)   [edit]

unfuckingbelievable.

i'm not even sure where i should start. this weekend was truly an
experience. i think it had to happen to show myself how i really feel.
writing my last entry was incredibly helpful because i was able to
understand and really make sense of my feelings and ideas, and now after
having laid them out i am able to see what i was right about where and i was
wrong and the new experiences that have created new feelings and new ideas.

i'll start with what was GOOD.

GOOD. i loved driving down with mark. i really enjoy night driving, there is
something very peaceful and intimate about driving at night. our chats are
always very entertaining and interesting and we just babble about whatever.
this time we talked a bit about acting and being open to experiences and
about ghosts and stuff. i think it stated because i was telling him about my
desire to visit mental wards, prisons and haunted spots. i love sharing, its
so much fun learning about each other. these drives are so special to me for
that reason.

And now for the BAD.

Cole. I realized that he is my problem. remove him from the equation and you
have an entirely different scenario. when we were playing that ridiculous
judgment game mark said something that i totally disagree with. he said that
he the good thing about cole is of all the stupid shit he says he never
intentionally tries to hurt someone. i think this might be coles saving
grace with mark, but i think it is entirely untrue. i recall the moment i
realized this, i was telling my mom a while back that 'coles really annoying
but he doesn't mean to be.... blah blah... he just says blah blah' and i
realized what a total crock of shit i was actually saying to her!

Cole absolutely intends to cause hurt. he intends to cause pain, to offend,
put people down. whatever it takes to make himself look better, smarter,
more deserving. he absolutely intends to insult you; but what he does not


intend is to take responsibility for that action. he wants to hurt you but
for it not to be his fault. he'll pass the buck anyway he can - his
trademark being the 'you're so sensitive' remark. he thinks he tells it how
it is, when in fact he tells it as he wishes it were. a skewed narcissistic
view of the world.

i have confirmed the idea that cole is not a positive influence on my life.
i cannot think of any way that coles adds something of value to my life. he
is critical

what's even more aggravating is the way that he treats mark. i am obviously
very protective of mark and i take it personally when someone mistreats him.
cole is so disrespectful of him. he is incredibly jealous and critical of
him and makes no attempt to understand him. mark doesn't see how cole takes
pleasure in marks misfortunes and would resent him for his successes.

i do not see what cole brings to marks life and why he keeps his as a
friend. i asked mark today and he said that cole is like the brother that
you hate but love anyway. i have to respect that. cole and mark have shared
a friendship long long before i was in the picture and i don't have any
business trying to convince him not to be his friend. its very difficult
though to stand by and watch the person i love get treated like that. but
mark is a big boy and can make his own choices and i will support them -
even if i don't agree with them.

i can see clearly now why other people have been so hard on cole (i.e kyle,
kevin, tim...) because cole is malicious and really i don't have any
sympathy for him anymore.

we got to the cottage and chris and cole and becky were there and i think
that they were stoned. we chatted with them for a little while and got
settled. we made our bed and then we went into the living room to watch a
movie. we started to watch robots. i ended up getting really tired and i
went to lie down and ended up falling asleep early. which isn't really a


surprise to anyone. mark came to bed after the movie and he helped me get
ready for bed. the next morning we woke up and i had a bit of a hangover, i
was so hungry from not eating since lunch on tuesday. we got up and got
ready and cole had decided that he wanted to walk to get breakfast. i told
him that i wasn't feeling well and that i didn't want to. well too bad he
was walking and that was that. instead of just going with it and driving he
sent me mark and becky to drive and asked chris to walk with him. we ended
up driving to a diner that cole's neighbor raina had suggested. we got there
and we ordered our food and actually finished it. the food was okay but i
was thinking about that place we had gone to with the kick ass bread.

we all sat around outside watching the stars and the fire. i was quite
peaceful i was still huddled in my blanket and mark came to lie with me.

i noticed that cole had gained a huge amount of weight his stomach was huge.
that can't be healthy for him or good for his self-esteem. i said to mark
'coles so fat now' and he told me to be nice or that i was being mean -
something to that effect. i was fuming. i truly not saying it to be mean
(not that i really care at this point if it was) i was so shocked that he
had let himself go like that it was more of an observation more than
anything. i couldn't believe that that i was being called 'not nice' for all
the unacceptable things that cole has said to me, calling a fat person fat
doesn't seem that wrong. i was annoyed not only because he thought i was
being mean but that i couldn't say things like that to him. its sucks that i
have to censor myself, i don't want to have to be 'nice' all the time. if i
want to point out that someone gained weight i'm a little upset that i have
to worry if mark will think i'm being mean. its funny because at passover i
had pointed out that kevin t. had gained weight and mark totally agreed and


we saw it as a point of concern for his health. i don't see how that's any
different just because its cole. anyway i attempted to explain this to mark
because i thought that his remark was unwarranted but i he dismissed the
conversation as silly. GRRRR. at least hear me out and then ignore me!
ANYWHO.... that was the end of that. so neil suggested that we play a game
of truth or dare.



OH LORDY. i have no idea why but i did NOT want this to happen and i had a
feeling this was going to open a big can of worms. my very first thought was
great.... cole is purposely going to ask questions that would be
inappropriate or try and shit disturb. I was thinking that he would for sure
get some sort of anita related question in there. well the questions went
okay there were some funny ones and i started to relax. i was really trying
to be open to it and have a good time. and i was starting to, i was laughing
and a highlight was neil dancing by the fire. hahaha!!! i think the toughest
question to answer was name one thing i don't like i about mark. i answered
it honestly and I was trying to be careful with my answer but i think i
actually gave an answer that was too personal. which was part of my whole
hesitation with this game. Oops....

the thing about this game is that i am an open person, i will tell most
people anything about me. but my relationship with mark is very sacred to me
and the details of our relationship and my feelings for him are very special
and i like to keep them private. there a very few people that i would make
privy to information about our relationship. and again, chris, neil, cole -
these are not my friends. if mark wants to share information about us with
them, that's fine but i don't want to be there and he can do so on his own
account. I wonder if I'd feel differently if it were my friends (or former
friends I guess) I think I might have been a little less guarded but I think


I would feel the same...

isn't it lovely how i can turn what appears to be a harmless game of truth
or dare into a gross invasion of privacy??? lol no one can ruin mindless fun
like me!

so we went inside and the game started up again, it went on a while and sure
enough my feeling was right. now cole gets 2 points and a strike for this
one. he said that he feels that mark was in love with me long before he said
it to me. that was actually a really nice thing to say and it made me feel
good and since that's a rarity for cole and me i think it's important to
acknowledge that. his question was why it took him so long to tell me. and
my god i started to sweat in places i didn't know you could sweat. mark went
on to explain, which in a way was interesting because i actually was
interested in this answer myself...lol... he said that basically that when
dealing with emotions that's its very powerful and he had a fear of getting
hurt and a fear of hurting me, being responsible for my feelings. he put
emphasis on the latter, but i truly believe that it was the fear of getting
hurt that was prevalent. which is the same reason i waited so long so i
totally understand. and then cole started asking if he still has love for
past girlfriends and so on.... ugggghhhh i wanted to run. not because of
what the answers are but that this discussion was so public.

then that passed and the most childish ridiculous part of this started. neil
thinks a good dare is for him to give one good judgment and one judgment
about each person in the room.

UM NO THANKS!!!! No offence, but there was not one person (other than mark
obviously) that I respect enough that i care to put any validity into their
opinion of me. well maybe becky a little bit. Frankly i truly couldn't care
less what any of them think of me and i think it would almost be
hypocritical to entertain the idea of listening to this nonsense. i think i


joked to mark let's pack the car up now.

i realize that no one was aware of this about me (probably because they
don't really know me that well) but i feel very strongly that its
irresponsible to let yourself be effected by what others think of you. i
have a very solid sense of self. i know who i am and what kind of person i
am. there are a handful of people who TRULY know me and even less that i
hold in such a high regard that i would take in account their judgments of
what kind of person i am. You can judge my hair, my clothes, the food I eat,
the places I go.... But judging me as a person - ha!

so sitting around this room looking at cole, neil, chris - it was almost
laughable..... THESE people are going to pass judgment on me. Good or bad, i
don't want to hear it, but it was going to happen anyway. The irony of this
moment is hilarious. neil's judgment was that i was easy to talk to an
affectionate. and my bad judgment was that i hide behind my looks. he said
that have to many fears that i hold back on participating because of how i
might appear that i uphold certain standards. and then it came back to why i
don't swim in lakes... hahahahahhaaha!!! i wasn't mad or bothered by what he
said at all! i was totally prepared to be like 'gfy'. but i wasn't because -
he was absolutely right!!! i totally have standards and i don't do stuff
that's beneath me. like i always say 'nothing but the best'. and i totally
acknowledge that i might miss out on certain experiences that i shouldn't.
and i WILL make a valiant effort to make sure that i don't close myself off
to things, but do i have standards HELL YEAH!!! and i looooooove it!!! and
mark does too that's one thing we have in common that makes us such a great
team. so one persons 'negative' is one of my most proud personality traits!
point 2 for cole - he said that even though i look like i'm a certain way
i'm actually not. (read: even though she might look like a hoity toity stuck


up bitch - she's really not) thanks cole! i really did appreciate that.

then neil got to mark. neil is a squirmy little guy - he said that mark was
easy to talk to and a good listener or something like that and then he said
that he had trouble with commitment. he said that he commits to something
and then he backs out. i was like 'um what' .... get it... get it... like he
commits to me and then backs out. (touch wood... tuh tuh tuh) okay my lame
attempt at being funny. he said that two years ago mark agreed to go on a
jewish trip to NYC and then he backed out. the real story which i could
smell a mile away before they even explained what had happened, was it was
some sort of culty jewish group and mark saw it for what it was and decided
not to go! good for him, so what he let neil down, thats too bad but he's
not going to go to NY for a cult retreat just because he 'committed'!! and
then he threw in the fact that his parents convinced him not to.... I felt
really bad because I perpetuated that by mentioning that he often takes on
the advise of his sister Karen. (more on that later)

now i spoke up and i defended this because one of the things i admire in
mark is the fact that he is incredibly strong and confident in his choices.
he doesn't do something that he doesn't want to do and he his able to speak
up and to what's right for him. he is always true to himself. mark has
helped me in so many ways by being like this and I have learned from him. so
for someone to call that a negative about mark - no fucking way!!!! you
don't call him a flake and get away with that. mark has more balls than most
people thats all. and then he went on some tangent about how he says he'll
do things and never follows though like the video editing thing. he said
that mark has told him that he thought it was a good idea and then didn't do
anything with it. i totally lost it inside, i was fuming. mark probably did


think it was a good idea at the time and then when he thought about the
logistics of it obviously its not that great of an idea. i told neil that
the thing is, as close as he thinks they are he really has no fucking clue
what its like to be mark - or any one else for that matter. so before he
starts passing judgment on something learn your facts!! He says that if mark
did this editing that he'd get his name out there in the acting industry and
that he could make money. Neil made it appear as if it was a personal insult
that he didn't follow up on the idea. He doesn't have a clue about this. If
mark wanted to video edit he'd a) have to train and master it (6 months
maybe?) b)invest in all the proper equipment c)start building a clientele. I
say it would take him about a year and some serious coin invested to make
this a business that would make him profit.... And for what???? It will in
no way shape or for assist him in reaching his goal and if anything it will
hinder it if his name gets associated as 'that demo guy'. I can't even
really remember what exactly I said to neil I was so infuriated. All I know
is I think I made it clear that his comments were not only incorrect but
irresponsible.
Afterwards cole wanted to pass his judgments and I think I might have
blocked it out completely. But they got into this discussion about mark and
his parents and how coles life is so much harder than his and so on. I
couldn't believe what I was hearing. Yes mark's parents are very involved in
his life and his choices but there is a reason for that. His relationship
with his parents is excellent. Mark is lucky to have that in his life and
most people aren't so fortunate, so for them to act like he should disregard
his parents advice is.... UGHHHHHH!!!! Sickening!!! I just cannot wrap my
head around how these people think that the have some sort of authority on
what is and isn't right for mark.



Then it came to mark and he started doing this judgment thing. I have to say
that I was a little surprised that he actually contributed to this
silliness. He told cole the obvious and he told neil that he has tunnel
vision (more on that later) and then cole said 'do karyn's' - and he did! I
was totally not expecting that and it caught me a little off guard. He
started with my bad judgment which was that I don't express my feelings
enough to which I responded 'neither do you!'. I wasn't offended in any way
because what he said to some extent is true but I think he's worse than me!
But like he said we can help each other overcome this and truthfully I think
that in time we will both learn to express our feelings better, you give a
little and when you see that nothing bad happens and you give a bit more...
sometimes you need to see that its safe to open yourself up. Then he started
to go on to the good judgment and I asked him not to. I wanted to take some
control of what was happening. I want these sort of things to be private and
just between us.

i went to bed and i started on another anxiety attack i breathing became
shallow and my chest tightened. it feels like being trapped. i closed my
eyes and i started to take deep breaths and i thought about what just
happened. as much as i hated it and found this whole thing disgusting, i
know that like all things that happen in my life, big and small it was meant
to happen and it happened for a reason. its important that i look at the
experience and look for the lessons and the good that lies within it. i have
to put aside my pride and my anger and be open to the experience, take
something useful from something unpleasant. it was definitely an experience
that proved to me, mine and mark's strength as a team. As much as I had
thought that I would always stand up for mark it hadn't really been tested
before. I didn't realize the extent that I would feel the need to protect


him, the feeling inside when someone says something unkind about him is
overpowering. its far worse than someone saying something about me.

The next day we woke up got ready for breakfast, I flat ironed marks
hair.... It looked really cute, but he really did look like his agent!! We
finally agreed to drive, we crammed into marks car and we drove to Sharon's
- which is this diner we went to once but we don't really like. Anyway chris
said something about needing a convenience store and we drove to the diner
we wanted to go to and chris started getting pissed off about not going to
the store, mark offered to take him and chris was just ungrateful and
blaming mark. Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!! I think I was at the end of my rope, I got out
of the car and I said 'you fucking losers!!!' luckily no one heard me. i was
sooooooo beyond annoyed. i just wanted to grab mark and take him away and
tell him that he is soooo above this....

but i think that its because i don't fight. i don't usually argue or get
angry or be rude with people. conflict is a type of intamacy and i don't
share that with anyone.... except for mark and my parents. so i forget that
in friendships, the strong ones will have conflict and thats just part of
it. it doesn't make it any easier for me to accept people treating mark like
that. but these are his friends, they are an eclectic group and mark is
drawn to that. so i need to bite my tounge and breathe it away. but at that
moment it was a build-up from the entire weekend you couldn't get me out
fast enough.

i asked mark for us to leave after breakfast.

canada day long weekend...

06.30.05 (7:01 am)   [edit]

okay so here's the deal... cole goes to the cottage almost every weekend and this weekend is his birthday weekend. so naturally he has invited mark up... when by default includes me.

i really don't enjoy spending long periods of time with cole. he's just really annoying, he's not a bed person its just he's got the mentality of a 12 year old, he is very childish, jealous, competitive and incredibly narcissistic. he's a very difficult person to be around. sometimes it can be a neutral situation where we get on okay and things are well enough but spending time with him never adds anything positive, there is never any gain to be around him. i wish i didn't feel this way but i do. the last time we went to the cottage which was a few weeks ago i was having a very difficult time dealing with him. he has a negative effect on me... i don't like the person i become when i am around him. i feel like i'm always on the defensive, even though i know his thoughts on me are completely off base i end up feeling like a bitch. every single time we have gone to the cottage i have come home and felt like a huge bag of ass. one time i was on the verge of tears the whole ride home and there was no explanation for it. it's very hard to explain this to mark and i don't really expect anyone to understand.

the thing is i am what i am. i don't like roughing it the way they do. i love nature and the outdoors but i don't like swimming in a ses pool of a lake. the cottage is falling apart and is covered in bugs. its not even clean. the beds are disgusting are 1000 years old and have period stains on them for christs sake. everyone else can shrug and say, 'its no big deal'. but to me, it is a big deal. i'm all for cottaging but a comfortable sleeping, dining and relaxing area is important to me. everyone's enjoyment of cottaging is different. for mark, he like swimming and water-sports, hanging out outside being by the lake. same for cole and i think for becky she likes being outside and cooking and watching movies. for me i like cottaging to get away from the city, read a book or a magazine, listen to music, paint my nails, take a nap.... i really like to relax because i don't do that in the city. at night i like to have a fire and watch the stars and being away is a chance to spend the night with mark which is very important to me. so you see for ME having a comfortable indoor environment is just as important as having a lake is to mark. and while the boys are off doing their thing i am perfectly content doing my alone stuff. i am very comfortable being alone, if i don't want to do what someone else is doing i do my own thing. this is something that i am actually very proud about but cole doesn't seem to understand this and makes me feel bad about being this way.

he says that i'm a snob because i wont swim in the lake. i'm a snob because i bring up nice clothes, make-up and my flat iron. LOL i KNOW this is a bit strange... but this is me!! how long has he known me now? just accept the fact that when i look like shit, i feel like shit... so i avoid looking like shit. its not necessary to point out what a pretentious snob i am every single time. i'm a snob because i bring a truckload of bedding up. i'm a snob because i go in the bedroom and do stuff alone. there's nothing wrong, i'm not hiding, i'm not mad. it's just that the rest of the cottage is a piece of crap and we've made the bedroom comfortable and livable so naturally if i want somewhere to veg i'm going to go in there. DEAL WITH IT. i know all these things about me yet i am still effected by him. i'm waiting for him to realize that i'm in the room and then come bursting in the door complain about how comfortable the room is, how hot it is and ask why i'm in there. can you imagine the anxiety this causes?? last time mark was absolutely amazing with this he'd help keep cole away and was incredibly understanding about this. i am very grateful for this and i know that its important to mark that i have a good time and he tries his best to help that happen.

now to be fair i'm going to turn the tables. when you go to the cottage you are going as a group. you are going to do things as a group. you go grocery shopping and decide on meals as a group. and most of the night time and evening activities will be group activities. having a fire, hanging with bob, BBQing, cards etc... this is the area where i am the one with the difficulty. i think that i am sometimes so used to doing things myself or just me and mark that i forget how to be part of a group. its something very foreign to me. this means not always doing exactly what you want to do, sharing, compromising, basically being a good sport. so at night when they want to play cards (god help me i hate cards!!!LOL) i just need to suck it up and go with the flow. i have to realize that its just a weekend and its not the end of the world if i'm spending a few hours doing something i wouldn't have picked myself. and i'm sure that it's important to mark that i participate and for that i should at least give him that. i see all the little ways he tries for me so i should try for him. i want him to have a good time and not have to worry about if i'm happy.

i guess because in the city i am very easy going, go with the flow kinda person that when i turn into this person that is so difficult to please i am embarrassed.

Which brings be to the issue at hand...

for cole's b-day weekend he has invited mark and me, chris, neil and his stepmother. he also invited his sister but i don't think she is coming. there are three rooms in the house and a cabin. so basically cole and becky in one room, his step mom in another, and neil and chris...LOL... in another. which means me and mark in the cabin. mark says that cole cleaned it out, cole says its okay but again coles standard of okay and mine are likely very different. this freaks me right out, if i don't feel comfortable with where i'm sleeping (i.e BUGS) i will be miserable.

now here's the other thing chris and neil are up. i really like chris. and neil... well he's okay nice enough but i don't really know him all that well. here's my theory on dynamics. when its me and mark and cole and becky its pretty even. i spend lots of time with mark and mark gets to spend lots of time with cole and me and becky mingle a little and everyone's happy. you can act like couples and no one gives a shit. you add chris to the mix. okay so now you have the three guys... which means more time doing guy stuff and becky and i are a little less involved. add neil, now you have 4 guys doing guy stuff and becky and i are even more removed. what i think is being forgotten is that chris and neil are not our (me and beckys) friends. its not the same as if it were say, kyle. so essentially it's four guys two who have brought their wife/gf. and becky and i aren't close enough yet to really be comfortable just the two of us. although i have to say i think its finally happening, i actually look forward to talking to her and we talk about more stuff then just mundane bullshit. but i just don't understand why not make it a guys weekend?? then they don't have to worry about us. at least one person other than mark that i might have my own independent friendship with might be nice... but i'm optimistic that becky and i are working on that. (i hope she's not still worried that we're going be like annie and anita because i don't think it takes more than a glance to realize we're noting like them) and then add his step-mom....what is that??? sorry, she's a lovely woman, but i'm just not into going away with someone's parent. not comfortable! hey and i just realized she'll probably want to spend time with becky... maaaaan....

I feel like i'm making an issue out of absolutely EVERYTHING. probably because i am. and i feel like a giant asshole for this. i feel really crappy that mark has to deal with me acting like this. i'm sure he wishes that i was more easy going about this and god i wish i was too...

Okay so i need to RELAX and look at the facts.

it my boyfriend's best friend's birthday weekend. this particular weekend's activities do not appeal to me and yes i do not want to go. BUT it means alot to mark that i go and he doesn't want to go without me. ITS JUST A WEEKEND. and mark has a point, i could be surprised and i might enjoy myself. it's not like i'm going to have a BAD time, its just not something that i would have chosen to do myself. and the only really bad part is the sleeping thing, if the cabin is a piece of crap, so what! I'll sleep in the car, no big deal right! AND i know becky has some reservations about raina and i want her to feel comfortable. and when i start the movie i probably wont have many weekends available and if a time comes when i just don't feel like it i'm sure mark will understand. i'ts all give and take, so this is my turn to give.

As far as cole goes i will have to make an affirmation for the weekend. i will let it go. i will not let him effect me. i am beyond it. Another thing is that mark had a talk with him about his negativity and the way he treats people. and he seems receptive to the talk. mark and i have both noticed changes and effort on his part which is positive. i am optimistic that cole will continue that this weekend.

I'm looking foward to the car rides, i always enjoy driving with mark. hopefully spending the night will be enjoyable. i will go on long walks and maybe tan a little. i'll watch the stars and enjoy the fire.

movies, lonliness and i love yous...

06.26.05 (2:43 pm)   [edit]

i'm not sure why exactly i haven't written in here latley.. but i thought i might as well update the things that have happened latley...

1) it happened. i told him i love him!! can i just say RELIEF!! i don't know the exact day but i remember the time so well. i had gotton it into my head that i had to say it. and the anxiety and nerves and energy i had built up preparing for it i couln't not do it. it was no perfect time or perfect moment, its just something that i knew i had to do because i didn't think he was going to do it, not knowing if he flet the same way or not i just needed him to know. we had been hanging out and his place and we were lying in bed together. he was sleeping and i just watched him sleep, looking at how pefect he is to me. my heart was pounding a mile a minute i gulped every time i swallowed. in my head i went over a million times how i would say it. how the moment would be. what he might say... he woke up and changed spots and started to watch t.v. my window of oppertunity was slowing closing...he got up and i grabbed his arm and pulled him towards me asking him to come here. he rested hiself on me... and then i said, 'i could tell you anything right?' and i thnk with scared puppy dog eyes looked at him for approval. he said 'of course' in the most comforting way... and i took a deep breath and said... 'i um.. i um...' i could hardly breathe i got caught up in the whole 'is this really happening' thought... and then i just let go.... and the words came out... ' am completlet in love with you' and that was it. it was out. i felt this wave of relief comeover me... and a void too.... so now what? and then he leaned over me and said 'i love you to sweetie' and he kissed me. i was thrilled extatic overjoyed!! i think i said 'you do??' and he said yes. he said that he was suprised that i had said it first. he thought that i was waiting fot him to say it. (which i had been for about 9 freeking months!!) and i told him that i was but that i couldn't keep it in any longer. he said that i wouldn't have had to wait too much longer as he was waiting for the right moment. i felt a little bad, like maybe i had ruined his plans but i think its good that he was able to see me take such a brave step in the advancement of our relationship that maybe when its time to take another step he will feel safe to take the initiative. i was so happy.... we lay there and snuggled and kissed and i told him that he makes me so happy... he asked me why i was being so open. i don't even know i guess i thought that once i had said that that all my reservations about telling him how i felt about him would dissapear. he said that he has problems saying it that its hard for him to express himself. so i had to prepare for an audition.... for the one in new zealand. i had to prepare this martial arts thing... we went into his backyard and he taught me a routine. the whole time i was wondering how this moment would effect the moments to come. all i knew was that i had achieved another goal. there aren't alot of things that i really really really want.... but love is one of them and mark's love was something i had wanted for a very long time. it would seem as though the things that i want in life cannot be earned or bought or even worked for. but some mysterious force has to decide that its my time for it. he took me home and when i kissed him goodbye we said it. it all seemed so bumbly and new. like two people kissing for the first time. it was all very romantic. and that was my 'i love you moment'

so now for the conclusion of the very romantic story.... over the next couple of weeks i went into some serious regret of my desision. i realized that i may have rocked the boat a little bit. i know he does love me. that i knew i know and there was no doubt. but his abilty to express that may have come a bit forced. i thought perhaps i should have let him do it. sometimes i would i say it and he wouldn't say anything at all...

the weekend right after was may 24 weekend. we had promised kyle that we would join him. i wasn't sure that was what i wanted to do but i did know that it would be nice to spend a weekend with mark away.

2) May 24 weekend away with kyle. so we packed up all our stuff i had an audtion that day and i came home packed up my stuff and then mark came to get me after he finished teaching we went to his house and we packed my stuff and his stuff into the car, we then went to kyles where i was supposed to stay while mark went to his mamas for dinner. when we got there the place was absolutley disgusting.... nasty i felt like i was going to barf all over the place. i then decided to walk to yonge and eg area because something happened to his mamas teeth and he thought the he might be able to leave early. i walked all the way there and then he called and said that he couldn't get out early, i have to say i was having flashbacks of what happened with kostas family.. but i knew that this isn't nearly the same. i went and grabbed a bite at pizza pizza and then i headed over to starbucks. mark asked me to walk over to his mamas. i don't think he realized that i really don't want to go somewhere that i'm not welcome. but for him i did it and i went to say hello to his mama and his aunts they are very nice to me. and then we hit the road. we grabbed kyle and when he came out it was just like old times... we listened to some tunes and talked and mark and i argued a little bit. he said something to me about judaism and he said that where did you read that in your humpty dumpty booked. OUCH!!!! and then i think i said something back in reference to his acting career and i think i really hit a spot. anyway we got back to the cottage and we drunk a little and hung out. kyle actually had to break into the cottage though the window because he had forgotton his keys.

3) i got the part. a couple of moths ago i auditioned for this role in a movie and i thought that just like everything else i didn't get it... but then my agent called and she told me that i actually booked the part. its a lead in a movie thats being produced by showcase. i can't believe that i actually have my first role!! when she told me i was so happy i thought i might cry..... i called mark right away and then i went to the office and i told michael. oh my god... for once they picked ME!!! Ahahahhahahahaha lalalalalala!! its so hard to believe. its hardly paying anything but its an incredible oppertunity. i think the producer of one of the shows here in toronto is working on this project. hopefully he will want to work with me again. i'm really nervous about getting to do a whole movie!! thats insane. i did some more research on the actual project and it looks like its some sort of sequal to this wrestler zombie movie that was put out last year or the year before, all i know is that my acting skills probabley aren't that important.

i had three auditions for this tv show. i don't think i got it as they haven't called me back yet. i came so close though, i think it came down to me and another girl. but i really wanted it. i really really wanted it. it was the first time that i got a script that i was really excited about, it just sucks coming soooo close ya know!

anyway its hard too because i told mark about the movie and you can tell that he's happy for me but perhaps a little jelous and frustrated with the lack if movement in his career and my 'sucsess' iis well..... see we've always been in the same place.... at first he was waaaaay ahead of me and slowly i got my act together... and then we were at the same point... then i was just a fraction ahead because i get auditions for more leads.. but it doesnt mean anything if i don't get it... and now i have one big point for me... and he must feel preaure but i feel like i have to hide my excitement, its not his fault but i just felt crappy that he couldn't be more excited for me... the actual day i found out cole had planned a date with mark.... and he just left till 1 in the morning without saying bye or anything, i was so upset!!

7 months

05.16.05 (6:56 pm)   [edit]

i wonder if sometimes silence can be harmful. when something needs to be said and its not does there come a time when the window of oppertunity escapes you.

today i'm feeling really alive. life is in rich colour full of emotion. a realization that there is so much in this life so much oppertunity. at my age im just starting my life and so many choices and possibilties its scary. but i dont think that fear should be previlent i think excitment of the unknown would be more fitting.

today is may 16. there are 76 days until our 1 year anneversary. one year. if i don't tell him i love him before that i will be very dissapointed. because how can you spend a year with me and not fall in love. i am so in love with him. he's the one. i know it. i could marry him and know we'd make it for a lifetime. but does he know it? does he want us to be forever as much as i do? i don't know.

i got a callback for an audtion i did for a tv show. it shoots in new zealand. so yeah, that means 7 months in new zealand. imagine. that would be a dream come true. i would love that... but the only thing i love more that acting is mark. and i love having him there to share in all our experiences and would it be the same not having him there to hold and to cuddle and to love. no it wouldn't.

 

you giant tool...

05.06.05 (6:17 am)   [edit]

UgggGGAAGAHHHHHH!!!

i'm soooooooooo annoyed right now. i could scream.

So. yesterday was a perfectly lovely day. the weather was nice, work was nice and slow. i had pizza hut for lunch and i bought a new top from aritiza. I had this audition to go to. it was for dentyne and i knew that i had to make out with someone. and like not just make out with someone but like get downright dirty and roll around on the floor. so i told mark and of course neither of us was really pleased. i kept thinking about that gross guy at the coke commercial. *shudder*

so i told mark to call talent house and get Paren to get him an audition. He called and she didn't help any. she said that she has already submitted him and that was that. i told him that at 4:35 he would come through for me. i knew it. So mark got a new agent, he actually applied at mark preston who i had applied to. anyway he went to his office and he told him how his girlfriend was auditioning this commercial yadda yadda and his agent picked up the phone and called powerhouse and got him in. so mark called me and i was thrilled!! THRILLED!!

So we got to the casting place and we read the breakdown. holy crap, it was so racy! it was like full on hot and heavy. we went in and we did it twice. it was insane. i could not imagine doing that with someone i didn't know. even more so i couldn't imagine mark doing that with someone other than me.

so after that we went to meet c and b at this Chinese malls to gey DVDs for marks parents. then we went and got a little cake for marks mom and i brought her a card. we all sat around and sang and ate cake. marks mom and i ended up talking for a very long time and i was sharing all my stories with her. it was nice to have someone to talk to who really listens. it was a little awkward having mark and his dad sitting right there but i think mark really enjoyed seeing me and his mom get along so well. afterwards she hugged me and told me that i was a sweet girl and that she likes me alot. she went to her room and then she came out and invited me to come over for lunch on mothers day because it was also her moms 82 birthday. i thanked her and i told her that i would love to come. i felt really great. then mark and i hung out in his room for a while and then we went to meet c and b for bubble tea.

It all went downhill from here. cole and i simply do not get along. and the thing is i try...... god knows i try so hard because i love mark so much i know how important it is to him that we get along that even when i know cole doesn't care i will make the effort. but last night felt like the last straw. it started with cole rating girls in front of becky. and he was saying all these ugly girls are hot and i tried to make a point that how can you even compare them to his wife. i know that the way that i was saying it came out totally wrong. but then he started to rate his wife! i was disgusted, absolutely disgusted. and when he started talking about it i was just very unsettled by that and i asked him to drop the topic and he wouldn't. he just wouldn't drop it and he was saying all these inappropriate things that were pushing my buttons further. and he kept speaking for Mark and trying to get him in on this with him. and then the bomb dropped, mark joined in with him and he started rating me. he reduced me to a number. i felt repulsed by him. i wanted to pick up and leave so badly. i was soooooo hurt that he didn't help me out and sickened that he joined in coles retardation. and with cole constantly harping on the issue i was fighting back the tears. when we left and went to marks car i thought about what had happened and it made me really sad, so many times i thought i wouldn't be able to contain my tears. i got home left the car and just started to cry. it wasn't about the actual thing that he said it was the big picture. if i'm going to put up with his friend treating me like shit then he should at least give me back up when i need it. i'm totally frustrated and exhausted from cole. if i make the choice to see less of cole, i'm making the choice to see less of mark. i'll be letting him down and i don't want to do that but i feel like i have to.

when i got home i called stevie and i cried to her. i told her about my day and we chatted. i was so thankful to have her there to listen to me. she was appalled, she said she would have dumped him right there. LOL the funny part is that she had a point. not that i would break up with mark, but i should have said something right then and there. i went to bed still pretty upset and now i'm at work. we're supposed to see kyle tonight. i think i'm going to hang out with him more.

he loves me he loves me not...

04.29.05 (8:02 am)   [edit]

On friday i was having a pretty good day at work, not a whole lot to complain about. i went home after work and i though maybe (m) and i would get together. (m) has been in a bit of a mood lately because of all the agent stuff going on. i think its actually just the icing on the cake. he's frustrated overall i think with his life. anyway he was in a bit of a crusty mood for most of the night and then his sister and neice came into town so he was in for the night. although this was not a new revelation i was hit with the realization that i live in the middle of nowhere and having no car sucks. without (m) i have no way of getting anywhere. i was kinda itching to go to system to see DH but alas no way of getting there.

Saterday morning started a bit better, (m) and i decided that we would go shopping and then his sisters and dan and dan's brother were meeting up for lunch. we were orignially going to to eat at Yorkdale but the line was too long so we went to the pickle barrell at yonge and eg. holy cow what a production.

first of all (M) sister (k) is crazy. she is simply crazy. well maybe not crazy but she definatley has a warped reality. she rides on this high horse of hers and makes the biggest deal of things that don't really matter. i mean i like her a lot i really do though. so we get there and we order and first the drinks took forever and then there was no cutlery. and then when the food came, karen had a fit that the cheese was processed. like a total fit, like a child. so she sent it back and the manager came out and said that that they didn't have real cheese at the pickle barrell. okay well that was wierd. then she throws a fit that mark doesn't care where her car is parked and starts calling him selfish. i'm telling you, something just isn't right there. anyway mark took me home and then he headed out to have passover dinner at his mamas. he called me a after dinner to check up on me. i cleaned my room. i realized i had gotton lazy with finishing my room but i did a good job at cleaning it up. mark came over after his mamas and we had the most amazing night. (c) called and (m) told him that he was hanging out with me tonight which was sooooooo cool. he totally got points for that. we watched motercycle diaries togeteher which was a really nice movie and then we spent the night just hanging out together. i had candles going and when we turned the fan on it made the smoke detector go off.... i think this night was particularly special because i could see in so many ways that (m) cares for me, the way he kisses me the way he holds me and rubs my arm. i am not taking him for granted for one moment, i am so grateful and thankful to have someone care for me like that.

Sunday was passover dinner so i woke up bright and early to go to fairview to get something to wear. i finally found somthing suitable and i headed home. i also had a script to memorize for an audition on monday. i suprisingy didn't have trouble memorizing the lines but i had a terrible headache so i slept before i went to (m) for dinner. he came to pick me up and then we went to passover headquarters to pick up something for his mom. luckily i came across this store Chapmans which sells nice cookies and such for passover. so i picked up some stuff and was on my way. when we got there everyone was already there and it was my first time seeing lia. how cute! she truly is the cutest baby i've ever seen. simply adorable. we sat around for a bit and then we went to the table. it was really really nice. they said these prayers and sang these songs and they told the passover story called the hagadah. the food was soooooo good and there was sooo much of it. marks mom packed some food for my mom. after dinner mark was told to drive the help home. on the way back he thanked me for coming and told me that he was really glad that i was there and i told him that i was really happy to be there. he then started to tell me that because of his last relationship his was kinda scarred and now has trouble expressing how he feels about me and he said that he doesn't want me to think that he doesn't have strong feeling for me because he does. i think at that moment i was just so taken back and so effected by what he was saying i just got really choked up and didn't know what to say. i don't think i really even let him finish. i suppose i had got what i wanted finally that i didn't know what to do. i didn't even tell him how much i love him. not that i really would have anyway because now i'm really unsure what strong feelings mean....but i don't think that means love. so now i have to gather up the balls to tell him something.

Monday i had an the audition for the iron mask movie, it was a little freaky because when i had my reading with anne she told me that i would come across a script that has to do with pyramids or egypt and when i saw this script it wasn't egyption but it was pyramid like. so i went to shanghai cowgirl and has some food and looked over the script. when i thought i couldn't memorize anymore and i was also feeling like a bag of ass i headed over to the audition. anyway the part that i read for went okay, i wasn't thrilled with it but then they asked me to read for another small part, and i did and they said that i nailed it. the producer asked me to say hello to amanda. i'm feeling really great about my agent choice now. it seems like everywhere i go they always comment on how great she is. sweeeeeeeet action.

by tuesday i was feeling like complete ass, i called in sick in the morning and then i got a call from erica. she told me that the producer called amanda to say how wonderful i am and asked why i wasn't union yet? apparently his daughter is also with amanda. i also had an audtion call for degressi on wednesday. so i basically spent the entire day trying to sleep off my cold. it was brutal. on wednesday i called in sick again and slept in and started getting ready. (m) was starting to be in a bad mood but he did agree to take me to my audition. he picked me up and i went into the studios. i did my audition but it was really bad. i am really dissapointed in myself. this would have been an amazinf oppertunity but i can't be too hard on myself i really was sick. i need to learn how to control my nerves. after the audtion i went home and changed before mark and i headed to his hockey game. the games are a perfect length, i was throughly entertained. it gives me a good time to think and relax.

yesterday was a wierd day, i came into work and that was fine i had to leave early to go to a commercial audition. i called mark and he had gone to the doctors to get his ears flushed and then he had an appointment with his agent. i hadn't heard from him so i called him around 2:00 or so, he didn't seem like he was in the mood to be talking. i understood he must have been nervous. i asked him to call me afterwards but of course he didn't. i went to my audition, which i thought went really well. i called mark right after to ask how his meeting went. well he was at home just chillin and he told me that his agent had dropped him sorta, basically he said that they weren't getting him the spots he wanted and that they would still represent him but that it might be in his best interest to start looking for new representation. so i think he had gone to a few more agencys and hope and prey that someone takes him on. when i called him he didn't seem interested in sharing with me. i spent my bus ride home talking to stevie. she always seems to make me feel great because she thinks we're soooo much better then everyone...lol... plus she always has soooo much more drama that i do that listening to her makes me laugh. when i got home mark called and he was out with (c) and (b) he asked if i wanted to come to their place to eat chinese. so (m) came and got me. he was driving like a bit of a nut so when he was getting gas i took his keys. he jumped back in the car and he went to peel out of the lot but there were no keys. at least i was able to make him laugh. we started to talk in the car and somehow it turned into a convo about me and my parents.. but (m) is in a unstable place right now, i don't know what i can do. i see this anxiety and i know where his issues stem from but there really is NOTHING that i can do. his delemma his the exact situation that i'm trying to avoid. now the thing is i learned that i have put my foot in my mouth big time. i need to set some rules in dealing with him....

1. i have to stop talking about my acting career. i can't tell him about auditions or feedback or anything postive thats happening to me.

2. i can't talk about my fears of what could happen to my career here because he's living my worst case senario.

3. stay out of his way. don't call too much don't bug him, if he wants to talk let him talk otherwise just leave him alone.

4. be positive, brainstorm with him, provide encouragement.

5. do not take his mood personally. even though the things he says truly do hurt sometimes i have to just brush it off and be extra sweet. ignore his banter.

we had dinner at c's place and oddly (m) wanted to smoke before we got there. i didn't partake. (m) told me prior that he was going to, perhaps this is him acting out, trying to relax, i dunno.... we went to grab a movie which we didn't end up getting anyway, and then i got my starbucks and we went back to coles, i went to say something to mark about his agent and you could tell that he was not interested in talking about it. so thats when i realized that i need to shut up about it already. he's not opening up and foring him to isn't going to make it better so i should just leave well enough alone. anyway he went to smoke and i didn't. maybe i did it to lash out. i think i did. i know that he won't have as much fun if i don't smoke but he makes it such a matter of fact that i can do what i want but hes doing this! grrr flex those man muscles!! *insert rolling eyes here* plus i'm already highly emotional and sensitive i didn't want to do anything that would agrivate that. you could tell that he wasn't sure about me being sober. he was like this is wierd but i settled into in well and just relaxed. i think that i might not partake for a while, it was kinda fun having that control when they were all baked. we started to watch the cable guy and he fell asleep on me. it was so sweet. i swear to me he's breathtaking. every inch of him makes me gush. i kept checking to see if c and b were watching me because i just kept staring at him. i love these little line right around his eyes. but stupid me went and said something to him about his wrinkles and obviously being sensitive he took it personally. finally at about 2:00 in the morning i told him it was time to go and he took me home. i think during his hour long nap and me watching him i learned somethings or perhaps put some things into perpective.

i never realized how much hurt i'm hiding inside of me. when i thought about how much i love him, the way i look at him with this longing. when i look over and i see c and b lying together and so in love, i feel like crying. and what twists the knife, is why can richard be in the most perfect relationship ever and have found that bliss of true love and he doesn't even deserve it. he's a selfish arrogant asshole who has done nothing but lie hurt cheat and manipulate everyone in his life and he gets love like that? he already won the lottery once when i loved him, i gave him everything. but twice? now he has a girl who loves him even more that i did? what's wrong with me? when will i be enough? what more can i do to earn someones love the way i love? i don't just want 'someone' to love me. i want the person that i'm madly in love with to love me back with the same passion.

and i wait patiently for that day. i know that mark is different, i know that part of learning to love again involves healing, and i see it in him. i know that the steps he has taken to get where we are are leaps and bounds from where he was once. so i will wait loving him, hoping that one day he will love me too. perhaps my patience will come back to reward me. but i'm just realizing that maybe i AM willing to accept that he may never love me. i thought i was stronger than that....

anyway tonight i am going to meet elle and talk about the new script that she is working on for the summer. i don't know if i will be able to do it or not, but its good to keep in contact.

countdown to cuba...

03.23.05 (6:22 am)   [edit]

March 23, 2005

Well..... i thought that today was the start of a nice easy strech of living but apparently i overshot by a day. i woke up this morning put on my brand new Uggs and head out the door. they are so comfortable i'm sorry i hadn't got them sooner, but the ones i got a coogees and they are not the ugg brand they are actually much better quality so i'm sorta glad i waited to do my research instead of just buying them at Aritzia. anyhow Michael is in Ottawa for the next couple days then we're off for easter and then he heads out to New York for this conference. so thats a week and a half without the boss. And then- the week he comes back, i'm gone to Cuba so i won't have to deal with his crap for sometime. Anyway so this morning i got myself a grande toffee nut latte - i forgot to ask for it to be non fat. crappy. and i mosyed on into work thinking that today would be an easy day - hey i might even get to leave early to meet dear stevie for coffee. well i stopped at the walk in to pick up some of my stuff on the way up to 7th and sure enough Anne was there and she said she was told to come here while they waited for me. WHAT THE FUCK. as soon as i head that i started to cry. well not cry but the tears were there and i was pretty choked up. i have been really emotional lately so i'm not sure if its hormones or if i'm just at the end of my rope at this place. but i hate it down here. like HAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE it. i have no compassion for my clients anymore. i hate to say it but i don't give a shit about their problems. i know thats completley insensitve and wrong but i've been hearing the same shit for four fucking years. yes i'm saying fuck alot and its not like me but i'm pissed. anyhow i find myself boiling inside if the talk to long or don't listen to what i'm saying. if my phone rings and they are talking to me and i can't answer it, i feel like punching them. now thats a problem no? they will tell me about their starving children and the stories of refugee and they 10 years of university in their country and it means nothing here.... and i'm standing there wishing they would go away and stop bothering me. if thats not a clear indication that i have been doing this too long then i don't know what is. i mean these people come in person for a reason. they deserve a person who will WANT to help them and spend the time. hell, there was a time where i was the best person to talk to. i took the time, i showed compassion and reaped the benefits of helping people. i loved that i made a difference in peoples lives. i felt great about coming to work. these people deserve someone like that and that's NOT me right now. So why do they insist that i come down here? well because i'm about the only normal LOOKING person in our department. Geez if i was fat and ugly they'd stick me on 7 and never let me down. curse these good looks. bhahahaha. kidding. but seriously now i don't need supervision, i can handle this whole place by myself - no one else can do that. even when maala was here full time 3 people would be in line and she would panic. christ they are just people - she should visit the passport office.

anyway so the point of all this is the fact that i hate my job. Wherever they're cracks i go in to fill. fill in at the walk in, take some calls, do some e-mails, manage the info box, take my calls. None of these things are my job, they are someone elses so why i am getting called to do them. Lets call me Caulking. anyway on top of all that i bust my freeking ass. i know alot of the time i have nothing to do i admit i have it good - SOMETIMES but then like days like this week i take my lunch and then do more work and no one even knows but because somewhere in there i have a good work ethic, i do it anyway. and what thanks do i get? i can't even take the day off of my dads 50th? Where are these peoples sense of people. my god i tell you, we aren't making the 75 000 - 200 000 that the rest of the college makes. there is a reason these people who work the category 11- 13 job do what they do. its so they don't have to take their work home with them, so they can live their lives and management think that this work is so important that they can infringe on that. bull fucking shit. i hope i can get the hell out of this shit hole soon, but in the back of my head this is the shit hole that gave me - a 17 year old supporting myself completley a 32 000 a year job, with benefits. but the fact remains i'm not doing well here it seems like NOTHING i do is good enough, i'm just barely treading water here. i saw Michael's log book and i see that he records my lates. even if its just a few minutes. i don't know what more i can do.

in other news i took a break from my pills for a week so i could have a visit from my friend and now i'm back on it and i think my hormones have gone insane. i'm just so sensitive i mean i'm already seriously worked up about work and then yesterday when i was on the bus i saw this blind man. he was waiting for the bus with a bunch of people and they all rushed the bus and no one helped him. you could tell he couldn't see well - (duh) and he just waited for the next one. i was all teary because the poor man just takes lifes brunts like that. so sad. i wish i could have helped him but where i was on the bus, i couldn't get out that way.

 

what the world needs now...

03.21.05 (10:48 am)   [edit]

i've really been slacking on this journal. i need to start writing even when i'm at home nightly. (m) and i were talking about how important it was to record how we're feeling for the sake of our careers. and i also think how nice it is to see how life progresses. so i'm going to try harder.

so first of all i have an agent now. that process was something else. i tell you. i met with (m) agency and that did not go well, they made me feel like total crap. i felt like i had to sell myself and i didn't even know what to say. i'm good? is that what i'm supposed to say? well anyway i only had a few meetings and it came down to two agents. i picked the smaller agency and a really inexperienced agent. at first i was feeling really good about it. i asked anne and she said that the guy agent would just sit on his butt. anyway they didn't make me sign a contract or anything which was kinda cool. anyway since then i've had a few auditions, mostly commercial. i didn't book anything. *sigh* there was one in mexico which would have been nice. anyway i also got an audition for this ABC pilot. for a lead role. apparently they really pushed for me to see this casting director. i stayed up all night with mark practicing. i felt kinda guilty that i wasn't prepared as much as i could have been. but i dont know the words weren't falling off my tounge just the way i'd like them too. anyway work was pretty understanding suprisingly. i had the audition and i think that it went okay but it was such a blur and i was so scared. i think the lines came out okay but i might have been kinda boring. i'm not sure. but now i know what these auditions are like and i'm learning. i didn't get the part. they gave it to some asian girl. whatever. i haven't really had an audtion lately but i need to start applying to jobs on mandy. i think the reason i haven't is because i'll have to take time off work and is it really worth it to take time off for independant films? i'm not so sure. but i did apply to one that i think mark did too. i would love to work with him again.

so work. i am so tired of it. i feel so drained and i hate it. i feel bad though because as far as jobs go its pretty easy but i have being a slave. i feel like the misc. girl. whatever odd jobs need to be done just ask me. whatever. i don't know what i can do about that though. i'd love to quit though but i'm trying to pay off my credit cards. i payed of bay, sears, AMEX and i'm starting to pay off the VISA and MC. i also need to pay off the future shop card but the money hasn't come in for the coins yet. so annoying.

a minor setback is that i'm planning a trip with (m). i think we are going to go to cuba. its pretty cheap. i'm really excited. i wonder what it will be like going away together. i really hope that we dont fight. but it will be really nice to spend the night together and get ready together and do that couply stuff. i still need to talk that over with michael. i hope that he doesn't freak out. but whatever i need to stand up for myself. i also need to talk about the long weekend of dad's birthday.

shit i don't know what to do i WANT to go to the cottage but i SHOULD stay and celebrate my dads birthday. ugh. what can i do though.

okay on the looooooooove front... everything is A-OK.

this weekend was really nice. on friday (march 18) he just showed up at my house and he wanted to hang out. we put up my window coverings and we put up stars on my ceiling. then we turned out all the lights and we kissed in the blackness. it was tres romantic. after we went to coles and hung out with bob and watched the spongebob movie. cole was really funny because he was freaking out and pressing himself on to the freezer. (b) made me laugh hard though. the (m) and i went home.

saterday (march 19) morning i woke up and i talked to Lewis. i decided to take the on camera class this session since (m) isn't taking scene study. i figured i might as well. i still need to talk to him about the fact that i wont be there for the first week. then (m) came to pick me up and we went to register for his hockey games. after that we went to kyles place and we waited for his sister and his friend. i don't know how i feel about her. i mean she can be really nice and sweet but theres this bitchy side to her too. but then again theres that in all of us. we drove to Hamilton for hotdogs. That was kinda fun, but it was weired because kyles friend was there, it kinda changes the dynamics of the situation. then me and the (m) went to his place we played crash and bond for a while and listened to these motivational tapes then we went to the keg for a bite. we played this hockey game with coins on the table for a long time. it always makes me laugh how we find these random things to do that keep us occupied for so long. then he dropped me off. i called him because i wanted to ask him if i could come over in the morning because i was meeting up with kosta. then we hung up and he called me back. its always cute when he calls me at night after we've spent the day together. i wonder why he calls... is he bored? does he miss me already? does he just like talking to me before bed... or is there absolutley  no reason why he does it. either way i love it because i would do that too... only the thing is my past has made me so paranoid. i don't want to do anything wrong which makes me not do things that i would usually do.

sunday (march 20) morning i woke up bright and early and met kosta. i couldn't believe how fat and ugly he got. i mean the guy looked like a total slob. i felt horrible that he aged so much he looks older than the 22 years that he has. the guy used to be so good looking. makes me laugh - that could have been my husband!! ahhhhhh!! anyway i get a text from mark and he says that hes going back to bed and that his parents are still sleeping. i think that was his way of telling me not to come over. so i didn't. i went to fairview and walked around. i really liked it, like they were saying in the tapes it's important to have quiet time to think and reflect. so i walked around the mall and i bought a couple of cute tops and then i returned some other stuff. then i get a text from mark asking me what i was doing. i called him and i told him about my day and i asked him if he wanted to see robots. he said he would come down and then he said that the house was empty. so i went over to his place. he answered the door naked and the we went to take rocky for a walk. then we went back to his place and we were brushing our teeth. it was cute getting ready together. then we had a really really nice morning together. i wanted so badly to tell him that i love him more that the world. i wanted him so badly to feel the same way. so i just kept quiet. not a word. but the silence was sweet. the way he holds me close and strokes my back and the way he touches my neck. its blissful.

we spent the rest of the day working on CDs for jeremys birthday. we played crash and i beat his ass nice for 3/4 cups. then we talked about publicity for us. we have also talked about leaving canada. hopefully we can do it together. we came up with mostly illegal ideas for what we can do for publicity. it was kinda funny. his mom cooked dinner and we ate as a family. i don't even think they know what that means to me. but then i get my hopes up that one day i will have a family like that. then he played max payne while i napped and he watched carnilvale. its cute when he touches me while i nap he rubs my leg. thats something i would do. i'd just want to touch him and know he's there. i heard him yelling a rocky for a bit which was kinda cute. he drove me home and we chatted in the car a little while. i wanted to tell him again but as always i held back. i hate it. i hate keeping this in. it feels like the time when i wanted to tell him my age and it was like this thing hanging over me. i want to be free and just express myself and let it out. i never though holding in something like this could be so hard. but then i tell myself that if it goes badly its SO not worth it. what if he doen't love me back? what if i just freak him out and he realizes that he's in a relationship and jumps. what if its just too much for him. somehow deep inside of me i dont think that  he will do any of those things but you never know really. so i will keep my feelings tucked away until either i can't hold it in any longer or i know he is ready to hear it. mark, i love you so so so much. i wish i didn't have to say it hear. but then again i'm not ready to hear that he doen't love me back so this is safer. but who ever got what they wanted on safer.

So last weekend was something else. (march11) on Friday i had a commercial audition and they needed hot girls. so i dressed up nice and sexy and i went to my audition. i called mark after and he said that he was going out with the boys. and thats fine and i totally want him to spend time with his friends because he does spend alot of time with me and i'd like him to miss me rather then get sick of me! anyway my only 'issue' per say is that i need to have my own friends because the idea that he can dictate when and when i can't come out bugs the shit out of me. i love his friends i really do but its hard sometimes. and the thing is all my friends are guys anyway and i know what thats like so i don't want to put mark out like that. so i had dinner plans with kyle at hemmingways. i stopped by my agents place and we chatted for a little bit. i didn't see amanda there but it looked good that i had come by but i was really there because mark wanted me to drop his demo off.  anyway i went to hemmingways and kyle and i had a few drinks. it was really nice actually. then we went up to the bar and we saw Alenka. she was really happy to see me and she kept complementing me. i really like her. apparently she has a boyfriend now and they already said i love you. two weeks. okay like wtf is wrong with me then....!!?!?! then her manager wanted to talk to me about taking pictures. which then lead to him bringing me over to this group of old guys. UGH. Well here was my delimma, apparently they were these producers and the seems to have all the props and contacts but something just felt off. but i kept telling myself that if this is my dream i would stick it out here. so many times i wanted to run and hide. i was so bored and i didn't like being fake. i called kyle over and he called his bluff pretty quick. one of those guys loved me to pieces. he kept asking about my boyfriend and i thought that it was quite innapropriate. i need to learn how to kick some ass. anyway i was totally hammered that night. I spoke to mark and he said that he was going to some club with the guys and i told him to have a good night and i told him what i was up to. it was a nice test to see me and him out in separate places we got along really well and no one had a fit. but i ended up calling him like 7 times. i don't even remember doing that. i called him to ask him if he could pick me up and he said yes. (s) and her boyfriend joey came too and it was soooo great to see them. i was totally hammered and we chatted about how much we missed eachother.

then mark showed up. i swear i had never seen him look so gorgeous. he was breathtaking and in my drunken stouper i was thrilled to see him. i kissed stevie goodbye and we left. i just remember lying in marks lap in the back of the car and cole was asking me questions. i wasn't sure exactly when he asked me. i wish i knew. i know he asked me if i love mark and i think he pulled coles hair. cole seemed suprised that we hadn't said it yet. that made me not so sure what to do. then i went home. i couldn't find my keys which was scary because how was i gonna get past my dad?! well i got in and passes out. i got a message from mark asking me if i got in okay. it was nice but i was annoyed that he was just going to leave me there.

i woke up in the morning (march 12) and i felt like i was in HELL!!!! oh god never again.... it hurt so much. i don't want to ever go through that again. i swear i need to learn my lesson. its been a long while since i was drunk i must have forgotton. the next day mark came and picked me up and we rented ladder 49 and watched it at his house, he was hitting his head so he didn't fall asleep it was really cute. then we went back to his place and kyle invited us over for dinner and a movie to his place in mississauga. mark and i agreed to go and we got in the car and there was a blizzard. it was a good drive because he told me all about his exs and he explained the amanda story and the kathryn story. he also told me that it was like one big circle the way things got gossipy with me and kyle. i think kyle must have been talking to mark about me. i'm really trying not to talk about things like that with kyle anymore. i dont trust him and further more he talks about me and mark with (s). we talked about how we first met, which is always really funny to think about. then we went to kyles and we rented ELF and we made some dinner. i thought my food was off so i gave it to mark who ended up getting food poisoning from it. hahaha. then i fell asleep there as usual.

Sunday (march 13) was strange. i didn't see mark and i was feeling a bit off. he went for breakfast with his dad and then just hung around his place. he has been feeling really anxious lately he says. i think its because he's 27 and still living at home and his career isn't going the way he'd like it to. but when he talks about it its usually very quick.

Monday (march 14) i went to work and i decieded that i wanted to do something nice for mark. i wanted him to know that he could talk to me about anything and everything. so i went and i got him a card and wrote him a little note. i wanted to drop it off that night but i didn't. we chatted on the phone and i watched some carnivale. i'm not sure how i feel about that show yet. afterwards i fell asleep and i got a call from mark saying that he had talked to kyle about his anxiety problems. i was a little jelous that he had gone to kyle but i was pleased that at least he was talking to me about it. he asked me if i had ever been to see a therapist and i told him the truth about what i had done. i also don't think he realizes that i am anxious every minoute of everyday. well except when i'm with him that is, and even sometimes i am. so i tried to talk about it with him and then we went to bed.

March 15 Tuesday, i woke up early and i went to Marks house to drop off the card. except i saw his dad walking rocky!! i paniced and i looked for a mailbox quickly but i couldn't find anything, i was so scared that he'd see me and wonder what the hell i was doing there so early. so to my dissapointment i left card in hand. i got to work and decided to have a city courier drop it off. at around 12:30 mark called saying that he had gotten the card. he seemed really appriciative of it and told me how sweet it was. we talked breifly and then i went home. i had to go and drop off carnivale so i told him i was going and he offered to take me, we went back to his place and watched blind justice and hung out. afterwards he took me home.

Wednesday (march 16) i decided that i wasn't going to call him from work. not to be spiteful, but to see if he'd call me and i figure if he didn't then he didn't want to talk to me. so sure enough the day goes by and i don't hear from him. when i got home i logged on msn and he was like where have you been all my life? lol and then he said that i was the one call he could count on and it never came... i think he refered to it as his daily phonecall. it was really sweet. we ended up chatting for like 5 hours on the phone it was really nice. Then alias came on and we chatted afterwards for a while. i need to start using my time after work a little better though. there's so much that i need to take care of that i don't.

Thursday (march 17) mark did the cutest thing. he called me wondering if i wanted to have lunch with him. i would have except i had a meeting all day and i was at the walk in. he went to his audition and then he parked outside of my work. when i was done we went to my agent because he wanted to replace the demo that i had given to Erica. we chatted with her for a while and then we went to get some meat to cook for dinner. we had steak which was really yummy and then we hung around his place and watched t.v.

GOALS:

wake up early and get ready slowly. think about my day and prepare things that need to be done.

keep writing in my journal consistantly.

don't buy anything. except the nine west shoes?

make lists and make use of after work time better.

 

random thoughts...

03.15.05 (11:45 am)   [edit]

drained. confused. angry. frustrated.

its got to be one of the above, i'm not even sure what i'm feeling.

all i know is right now i have to get organized and put forth my best effort. and i have to drive myself. i need to sustain my determination. i know i have a lot of road blocks ahead and i'm going to face alot of rejection but it doesn't matter.

yesterday i had my meeting with keven for (TH) and it did not go the way that i hoped it would. i don't even know really what happened. i'm trying to make sense of it all. basically they looked at my resume and said that it was crap and that i need to get more on it. well duh.... but how the hell am i going to get more of it if i don't have an agent? anyway i think at the end of it that colin said that he'd be okay with repping me and that i'd have to focus on commercials before they would submit me for more film and tv stuff. this is where i totally was thrown for a loop... so yes good, they will rep me but i'm gonna be this dinky little actress on their roster? i don't know if thats the way it has to be for now or if i can find someone who will put effort into me and believe in me and want to push me. well i have a couple more meetings and i need to call a few more so hopefully i will get a sense of the way things are. but i totally paniced yesterday i felt like they were just attacking me and i had to take it. but its okay... so what i don't like TH i don't like colin. so maybe they are just not for me then.... am i any worse off.. no. mark has been absolutley wonderful. he talked me through everything and he really gave me good advice and listened to me and helped me feel so much better. he says that i'm putting too much pressure on myself and that i just need to relax.

anyway this weekend was really nice, on friday (m) came to get me after his mamas and then we went to his place. we were supposed to go to (s) place but we got distracted. i could tell that (s) was annoyed but whatever, i hardly saw (m) this past week. we then went to pick up queer as folk and we went to my house. saterday i woke up early and i went to renew my licence, then i went to ikea. i had to lug home all this stuff which was a huge pain in the ass i have to say. anyway i got home and i tried to organize alot of my stuff and then i napped. (m) was working on his demo for most of the day.

Thursday i woke up late, i was so tired from wednesday... my day at work was interesting, kyle was having a breakdown. he called me crying because his power was cut off and he was saying that it wasn't worth it anymore. i tried my very best to calm him down, and i called welfare and the mental health and addiction centre to find some options for him. mark went over to his place and stayed with him for a bit and then he took him back to his place. after work i went to starbucks and had a coffee and then k & m met up with me at class. we ran some lines and chatted. then (s)came. it was a little awkward and then my comfort level went way down with those two having to do the scene.

the class was funny because i went into the class and asked lewis what his take was on kissing during practicing and sure enough... ari walks in and m was outside the class and he knew what was going on so he was like ' ari ari look look at this....' and he started blowing up this latex glove... bahhahahahahahhaha omg i'm dying just thinking about it. m was trying everything to keep ari from hearing. i think that he might have heard me talking to (s) about it. oh well. anyway as far as class went we started later in the scene and i kicked some ass... i heard someone whispering 'shes getting good huh?' and mark replied 'yeah she is' i thought it was the girl 'georgie'. anyway i was so pleased with the scene and i was so thankful that i didn't have to kiss ari. its so sweet how mark and i hold hands when we sit in class. so cute. so we went to grad some food and we hung outside the classroom and chatted, we get along so well its amazing. we talked about kyle and what we told him and what we could do. then i decided to work on my script for my demo so (m) and i went in the other room. well well well...the events that happen in there i can't even speak about. we almost got caught. but it was incredible. then it came time to actually shoot the demo. all my prep went out the window i was so nervous. i screwed it up a couple of times and i was getting more nervous and more nervous. anyway it came out okay. i mean its not horrible, but its not fantastic. but i'm thankful that i did it and its done. after class mark came in for a little while.

so today is the fork in the road i have my demos ready for jack and amanda. i know its not great. its okay but not great. i just hope its good enough to get a contract with one of them.

I HAVE AN AGENT!!!!!!!!!!!

omg omg omg omg omg.

RELIEF.

and i know i'm making the right desision. i know that Erica will work her butt off for me so i'm really excited.

Life really is something. it amazes me that we are these things, these beings here on earth and we are here to carry out our lives and then these things happen... these connections, relationships and you can't touch it, or see it but these powerful forces that create love, hate, lust, anger... everything... and its these mysteriuos forces that make life the art that it is. its a miricle really. last night i was lying on mark at kyles house and i looked up at mark and i just felt the incredible urge to just grab him and tell him that i love him. i wonder if he ever thinks that way about me?

evian overload...

01.28.05 (8:44 am)   [edit]

what a week! i'm soooo tired....

lets see... well it been a week since i've written an entry in here, mainly because there really wasn't enough good stuff to fill up in here...

so lets see, last friday as usual i got together with (m) after he came home from his mamas, he dropped me home and we played wheel of fortune for like 3 hours on msn...

saterday

sunday we went to fairview, got the passport photos, had some lunch and walked around, we hung out at his place for a bit but then his sister came to use his computer. she's really nice and i really like her but i think shes a little slow. i think she must be because no one is that illogical. illogical, (m) uses that word alot. shes also irrational. thats a better word to describe her.

monday was a big day for me, i went to work for the first part of the day and then i met mark and we went to visit some of the agencys to drop off these letters. anyway, we went to like i think 11 different places. it was really tiring and i was pretty nervous. the best part was that i met Kevin who is mark's agent. he said that he'd be interested in setting up a meeting. i think i'd like to call him today to set that up. he seemed to like me. i dunno i want this so so so so so so badly that i'm scared to set myself up for dissapointment so i'm almost not trying that hard. but how can i afford to give it anything less than my best? i mean this is my dream for gods sake. anyway i'm preying this will work out. tuesday i didn't do much i came home and hung out and slept. mark and i talked on the phone alot at we looked at condos the the website. it was cute to even think about living together.

wednesday was round two, i visited 10 of the agencys to drop off my photo and resume. ugh. well i ended up getting shot down by one in particular who actually gave my headshots BACK to me!! i was so embarassed. but (m) says that i have to look at it as someone who's working for me... and i'm really trying but when you want it sooo bad its hard. like really hard. anyway mark and i ended up fighting most of the time. i think that i upset him because i said i probabley won't get an agent. he said that he didn't refer me to kevin because i'm his girlfriend but because he thinks i have something. that was nice but i needed him to be my comfort, my support when i'm feeling insecure. anyway afterwards we had lunch at Kelseys and we had a really good time. we were really goofy, blowing bubbles in our water and wrestling. it was pretty cute. we had some good talks in the car about acting and work and it was nice to see mark open up.

Thurday was by far the best day... i came to work and got tons of work done, i got a sweet e-mail from mark and i had a kick ass outfit. i went to starbucks and ran the script with ari. we actually worked really well together. we went to class and ari and i went first. we did a kick ass job. i knew all of my lines and i know mark was really impressed. that made me feel good.

all things that are me...

01.21.05 (11:03 am)   [edit]

for a very long time i couldn't find my own identity, i felt like i was always riding someones coattails or trying to be someone else.

finally i think i'm coming into my own. i think alot of life is learning what you like and.... what you don't like. and then making choices. i think for the first time i realize how valuble different experinces are.

so i've decided just to make a random list of all things that is me. i am special. i'm learning who i am and i know that all these facets of me is what makes me so special.

i love red bull

lots and lots of ketchup

prefer room temperature water

only drink bottled water

i am an actress

i always fall asleep watching movies

i love gingerbread lattes

i have a problem eating the last bite

i love seven jeans

my favourite movie is love actually

i am really good at crash

"snap"

i'm a fashion freak

FCUK, Artizia

"not so much"

i rarely wear socks

i'm always cold

i sweat alot

i have a crazy laugh

i'm shy sometimes

i get headaches lot

i have two tattoos and want more

i look like angelina jolie

i always sleep in

i have a shopping problem

i love eating out expecially the keg

i'm scared to be alone

i chew my tounge when i concentrate