lorena bobbet in training..

06.28.04 (11:50 am)   [edit]
so i ended up finding out where he was. i can't even write it or i'll get too worked up thinking about it. but all i can say is that we're not good. and right now i'm not sure if we're going to make it much longer. i'm really sad about that because you put so much of yourself into something and then to have to walk away. just seems so sad. i'll miss his family the most i think. i basically told him that if it happened again then i'm leaving. i know that's going to be brutal but i have no choice anymore. i hope that he turns himslef around. but i really am expecting the worst. i hope we at least make it until september for austrailia. i hate this all. honestly what a shame.

late nights and textbooks...

06.25.04 (5:48 am)   [edit]
i think of all the stupid things that he's pulled i'm finally fed up. Yesterday i had acting class and i tried calling and calling him. no answer. so i call from the station and no answer. i checked my messages, nothing. i was really confused because he knows how much i hate walking home alone. So anyway i got home and i'm thinking he's dead or something and of course he's not here. So i'm calling and calling and nothing i check all the messages everywhere and nothing. I even called reza asking where he was. So i'm fuming and then i'm in our e-mail and i see an e-mail to 'silly natty' the Argentinean slut that came to canada to ho herself out. lovely. so i logged on msn hoping that i'd see 'ben' online even though he's in calgary but i saw chris instead. He always manages to make me smile so i chatted with him for a while and i even vented about the situation. He told me that he understood why i was upset and that i had a right to be upset. sometimes i think i'm over reacting but this time i knew i wasn't.

so what happens?? So i watch some TV and i curl up on the couch i next messaged him asking him where the hell he his. i get a text back at 1:30 am telling me that hes really stoned and drunk and that he's going to glam. i was livid. what you're too stoned and drunk to call but not to text message? please. something's not right. so i fall asleep and i wake up around 3:00 a.m. and he's not here. Finally 15 mins later he walks in the door. He tried to say sorry and he tried to lie with me but i told him that i'm angry and we went to bed.

I'm so tired of these things always happening. its called respect. i don't know what to do. I was really upset lastnight i was in tears. I didn't realize that he could hurt me so much still. i still don't know what was going on and why he couldn't call. i'm going to bring up the e-mail and at least now i know why he deletes everything on the cpu.

anyway this is the last thing i need right now. i'm really swamped with school right now. it turns out that my sticky situation with school just got harder. last night the professor asked me if i wanted to join an on camera class that he was holding. I'm really excited and flattered that he asked me even though i had to show him that i'm ready. So i think i need to wait until Mark comes back and tell him the truth and see what he says. i really really want to take that class with the acting coach i just need to find a way to make it work. I need to stay focused on things and realize that i have to be strong and i can't let negativity get in my way.

So he e-mails me today asking if i want to go to a movie and that he'll cancel his plans for me even though he'll get in shit. i don't want him to do anything for me. i don't even want to see him. he's draining me. :cry: :cry:

playing with fire....

06.23.04 (4:59 am)   [edit]
oh no. what have i gotton myself into. so last night i decided to skip the spa, because i know i really didn't need to spend the money for something so silly and also 'r' was working on the t.v show set so i thought i might as well go home and get some work done. Well i got home and 'ben' was online so we chatted for about 2 1/2 hours. we were sending pics back and forth and he really was making me laugh. then i asked him to show me a picture of his dog and he turned on the webcam. omg, that dog was the cutest thing and he made the dog wave to me. and what was cuter than the dog... was him! honestly that smile made me smile. but i kept thinking, 'this is so so so not good'. anyway he's leaving for calgary today so that'll help keep me focused. and 'r' is being really nice these days, not sure whats up with that. it makes me feel worse even though i haven't done anything but its the fact that i'm thinking it that's bad enough. i'm understanding why we broke up the last time. also i can finally get where vanessa is coming from too. but i think she acted to hastily. i need to calm down and really think this through.ahhhhh fak. so i'm thinking that i want to change jobs. my two years is up in october. i'm thinking it would be helpful to actually work in the field behind the camera. it can only help me when i'm in front of the camera. I need to make a plan for myself, similar to what elle does. i need to set timelines for myself. i need to pick out the clothes i will be bringing to the photoshoot with ian. i need to book sessions with the thom guy as well as tim and i need to sit with chris to work on a website.

maybe meg ryan isn't so crazy...

06.22.04 (6:34 am)   [edit]
On saterday i finshed filming the trailor for sisi's dream. What a rush! I actully went on set quite ill prepared. I knew there were no actual speaking lines but as far as the scenes i wasn't fully prepared. I think that it might have been a blessing in disguise. I knew there was a dream scene in the forest as well a two skin scenes with a male and a female. I worried a bit about the skin scenes because i'm not happy with my body right now. Had i known about the intense emotions that i would have to play during the murder scene i think i know that would have freaked me out even more.

Anyway i got to work with an amazing group of actors. The actor who played my boyfriend was very experienced. He was on a MTV show and has done several film/tv things in the past.

I thought that the skin scenes would be much worse then they were. Actually the one with 'Lisa' was over in literally 5 minutes. It was painless. I was actually really impressed with the girl who played lisa because it was her first time acting and to do a scene like that, she didn't seem phased at all...

the scene with 'ben' oh boy.... i was talking to the actor before hand and i had said 'you don't think you just do' and he said no the thing about acting is it's okay to think. i can understand that point of view now. I can't believe how much fun i had! I mean instead of thinking 'oh god this is the worst thing ever' i think 'okay, here i am with this hot guy, who's halarious and sweet and i get to do a skin scene with him'

I'm not sure what happened during all of that but i was so thankful i wasn't a guy. fewf. that guy has good hands and i learned that my back is extra sensitive. there was something there i don't know what it was but i have to say i enjoyed it much more that i would have thought. :lol:

you know i heard meg ryan left her husband when she worked with russell crowe. i remember thinking, 'what an idiot! why would she do that?' Well not that i plan to leave my b/f, i can understand how that may have happened. when you work so intimatley with someone you feel a closness to them and sometimes that can be a powerful feeling. and sometimes you need to take a step back and tell yourself that its not real, that you're caught up in the story that you're playing out as an actor.

I think i have a good perspective on things although i have had a perma-smile since saterday and i keep checking his demo-reel. He just makes me smile. i'm such a dork i know.