dreaming of hollywood

crap crappy mccrappers.

i'm such an idiot. stupid stupid stupid. why could i ever have the right to give Gen shit for hanging on to Tyrone when i'm sitting here doing the exact same thing. i'm living my life hoping to win someone's love. although in my case i think i have a better chance of getting what i want i know that it's very unlikely and every ounce of pain that i experience in the future because of this will be all my fault. i'll have done it to myself. it's almost like i like being hopelessly devoted to someone. the romantic notion that i've given him my heart with absolutely no expectations in return.

i recall him mentioning to someone that relationships are just a small part of life and that there are so many other elements to life. well that's logical. not very romantic but logical. so here i am with my head in the clouds and he's over there being mr. sensible.... wonder how that works?

so yeah for a re-cap of the weekend. so friday i was supposed to move. yeah well everything got screwed up and it didn't end up happening. no truck no storage. ugh. what a disaster. my dad apparently had a talk with richard, kinda smoothed things out. although i'm glad that richard appreciated it the fact still remains i never want to see richard again, we will never ever get back together and we will never be friends again. so friday i made plans with kyle to go get some dinner and drinks and then meet up with mark. kyle seems very needy and eager to share his feelings about his depression. i think i may have taken on more than i can handle with him. anyhow i met kyle we went to the green room and had a few drinks and we had some good conversation. apparently steavie found out about me and mark. i'm curious what she thinks about that. also i told kyle about how i feel about mark. kyle thinks that mark just got burned before and now he's jaded. i can see that. sometimes he's a little harsh but i don't mind so much. anyhow finally mark decided to come meet us and it was weird. he didn't kiss me when he arrived. i hate how inconsistent we are like that. but then when we left the restaurant he was being snuggly. we went to the candy store and we hugged and joked while kyle stocked up on useless candy. then we went back to kyles place and i think we just hung out and watched TV and ordered pizza.

Then saterday Mark and I got in our first little mini-tiff. I still think i'm right though. every time i ask him to do something he says maybe. which makes me feel like he might have something better to do. so i told him that and he got kinda huffy. anyhow he picked me up after the gym and we went to my apartment to pick up some stuff. his sister called and she asked who he was with and he said 'my karyn' hahaha.... cute huh?! loved that. she invited the both of us to go to the movies with her and her husband. so then we went back to his place, and he showed me some videos of him when he was a kid. it was the funniest and cutest thing ever. i was so happy that he shared the videos with me. anyway then we sorta got some action going. so much fun. but his sister knocked twice and came in while i was on his bed. i was so embarrassed. then his brother-in-law came in and i met him still on marks bed. fuck man how awful. but apparently he told mark that he thinks i'm hot...lol... so then we watched big brother together and we went out for dinner afterwards. we went to the keg and we had a good dinner and then he drove me home and we had a good talk about kyle and that situation. that night he called to ask me about the o's. hahahhhaa.... i loved staying up all night talking to him. i was so happy. i couldn't stop thinking how much i wish he was here with me. i even told him that i had a thing for him from the very first day we met.... and how i was totally into our scene. haha.

so now we're at sunday. so mark invited me to come to this party for Lia where as his family and family friends would come see the baby. i woke up early had breakfast with my family. then i took a cab to fairview to get an outfit to wear to the party. i picked up a bottle of wine for his parents to say thanks for letting me be there. anyway it was great because i was able to meet all of his family and family friends. i met his aunt, his grandmother and his cousins, everyone was really nice. i hung out with kyle and i met some his friends kevin and im ron. after everyone left we hung out with his family and they gossiped about the people that were there. his sister karen told me that all his friends think i look like Angelina Jolie... and then all the rest of the family started looking at me and agreed. it was so embarrassing but in a good way. his mom told me that she had people telling her that they thought i was beautiful and i looked like angelina. that was awesome because it helps make mark comfortable with me being with his family. i discovered some grey hair on mark and he flipped out. it was so funny, what a metro...lol... then we went to spring rolls for dinner and we heard about kyles neighbor. interesting conversation. we then rented a movie and went to kyles. i feel asleep in marks lap.... haha.... typical me. anyhow tonight's his game so that should be fun.... and tomorrow's moving day! its almost over woo hoo!

ohhhhh snaaaaaaaap.

hahahahaha i just read my last entry and realized that it's been a while since i've written in here. omg i'm laughing so hard because my last entry was on july 29 and i'm talking about a kiss goodnight and the very next day things sure changed.

okay well first of all that very day mark invited me to go to the cottage with him and his friend. of course i accepted danced in my seat and my belly flip flopped with excitement. i ran out bought a new bikini and then started thinking of ways that i could loose 15 lbs in one day....

anywho i better keep this short since i have so much to write, we went to the cottage and the drive was good, lots of fun. kyle and mark together are the funniest people i know. so we get there and we 'hang with bob'. omg..... i swear i have never laughed so hard in my life. mark turns into a totally different person. he's so crazy and animated i wasn't sure what to do... actors i tell you...lol. so at the end of the night it was time to go to bed and mark went to his and i went to mine. it was sorta tense and awkward but somehow in the middle of the night i mustered up the courage to climb into his bed. haha. well i guess i don't have to go into details. but it was incredible. the funny part was that when kyle woke up in the morning he found us in the same bed. hahahaha.

so the next day we went to the beach which was spectacular! i got to wear my new bikini and i sunbathed in on the soft white sand and when mark wasn't in the water he cuddled next to me. i think i was in heaven. so then we came home and had a shower and got ready to schroom that evening. that was even funnier. kyle and mark were singing songs and we had a fire that just kept the jokes coming. i think i was the happiest i had been in a very very long time. i just didn't want the night to end. you know when you just want to be so close to them you'd like to squish their body and almost become one. well yeah that's how i felt. heaven.

the next day was his birthday and we drove home together. it was slightly awkward because we didn't really know where we stood with everything, if it would happen again or what this meant. i mean i didn't know and i wasn't stressing about it. all i knew is that i had a fabulous time and i was smiling from ear to ear.

So that week we met up at his place to run the script and well yeah... we watched some of his films and looked through pictures. i visited again a couple times after that i we would sometimes and i went to watch him play hockey. i really took an interest in his games and i actually was there for his very first winning game! i was so happy to be a part of that.

So then his sister and new niece came to toronto. he ended up coming with me to Gen's for her housewarming and to get a psychic reading there. i was so happy that he came with me to meet Gen. they all loved him. so afterwards he invited me to his place and we sat around with him family and he let me see the baby. she is absolutely beautiful. his family is wonderful i was just basking in my own daydreams. then we went to his room and we were both pretty tired. we just lay there me in his arms sharing soft kisses and i almost drifted away. i don't remember feeling so complete. i think i'm falling for him.... hard.

So monday came and he invited me to his hockey game. kyle and steavie came too and i had a chance to bond with her. i was sorta concerned that she might have a thing for Mark but she doesn't and we're thinking of being roomies! that would be quite fun! After we went to kyles and hung with bob. we fell asleep there for a while and then we went home. i just wish we had a place to go to where we could actually spend the night together. *huff*

anyway so i think thats the bulk of it. i'm falling for him and its so shitty. i don't want to because he's told me that he has commitment issues. that may be true but the fact is he doesn't want a commitment with me. and thats fine, i appreciate the honesty. but for once i wish i could fall for a guy who would fall for me harder. and then he's leaving for vancouver in the spring. i don't know how this escapade will end but i'm guessing with my heart being crushed yet again.... fuuuuuck. he's just so incredible.

okay i can't think anymore. i'll finish the rest about aussie, the psychic and the deal with richard and the move later.