dreaming of hollywood

there's always a catch. always. you know when you think something's just too good to be true, it probabley is.

Thurday i had class, after work i went to Aritzia and i bought some new clothes i saw mark running to starbucks to meet steavie. i waited around for Rob and i went in and it turned out steavie hadn't arrived. i get i little jelous of her sometimes even though i know her and i have a great relationship. i know she wouldn't do anything to hurt me, but she's young and mistakes happen. class went well but i have to make sure that i'm focusing more on my work. commiting to the scenes. lewis said we need to recruit more people to the class or it'll stop. after class (m) (k) and i went to his sisters bar. we hung out and then we drove home. we sat in the car and talked for about an hour or so. it was nice.

so friday i was so tired i came into work late. then lori came by with her new baby. she was so cute. she let me hold abby and walk around with her. it was amazing. it almost made me want to have a baby too. almost. then i went to get my hair done. i went to see Angela who had told me that (r) had been earlier that day and he had his cult book with him. she told me that he had also mentioned cunt face. i'm regretting ever giving him angela's number. so my hair is now chocolate brown, i love it. i think it looks amazing. it gives me back my edge. i met up with kyle and mark breifly and mark took me home. we met up with jeremy and went to mark's friend chris' party. we saw the cutest kittens and we hung with bob. i think i annoyed (m) but then he started annoying me. i think it was the first time that we actually were not getting along. then we went for dinner at the goose and then mark drove us home.

the next day sat, mark msn'd me and invited me to his magic show. he came and picked me up and then we drove to ajax. it was the cutest thing i had ever seen. he was so good with the kids. i laughed out loud watching him. i loved it. then we went back to his place where he was going to be taking a shower. his mom came in to talk to me and we chatted about my hair and setting up a food plan. then we just hung out for a few hours. kyle lost his cat so we went to go look for him.

this is where is began, (m) and i were just bickering and then he said something that really hurt me. he said 'no ones forcing you to hang out with me, no ones holding a gun to your head'. like honestly wtf... that's so mean... so he's just willing to throw it away like that?? who says that. that really upset me and made me re-evaluate the situation. i need to back off a little. anyway we drove back to his place and we watched the dateline segment he was talking about. we snuggled and things seemed better. then we well... you know.... and it was incredible. absolutley amazing. we lay together in bed and snuggled and then it was time to go. i don't know what the hell was happening in my head but i did the worst thing ever. i accedentally on the way out called (m) by (r) name. i cought myself and then paniced. it must have been so obvious. then i was so shook up from having done that, i must have been acting all aloof. so he dropped me home and then i didn't hear from him for almost the whole day. i called him in the afternoon and he called me back a couple hours later. i had thought about it all day i couldn't get out of bed. when he called me he told me that he had gone to his grandparents cemetary and then to the gym. we talked on the phone and watched a new show together. by then things seemed to be better. i made plans to go to the movies with tremblay. we went to see colareral and we chatted about stuff. it was good to see him again. then when i came home i called (m) and he msn'd me back and we stayed up until 3:00 a.m. talking about stuff.

so the point is i love him. i really want to be with him but he's not perfect and i know there's an even greater chance that my heart will get broken. but thats life right....

another week and i'm still lost in the clouds...

i know there's so much that i wanted to write but i'll do my best... i'm feeling sorta out of it today.

okay well lets start off on monday. (m) called me up and we went to his house and we hung out in his room for a little while and chatted and stuff. then kyle came by and he brought us some sandwhichs and we went to the game. i could tell that kyle wants us to move in together and honestly i would however i don't think that's a good idea with (m) because he'll feel like i'm invading his space. also (k) keeps talking about how depressed he is. now i can totally relate especially from my family experience but you don't advertise it. if you really wanted to do it you'd do it you don't tell people. i think he's crying out for help but i don't know how to help him. anyhow (m) lost his game again...lol... however he got in a fight.... that was sooooo hot. although he lost the fight too, seeing him get so mad was cute. he told me later that had kyle and i not been there he may not have done it. which i think is incredibly honest of him to admit. he drove me by his grandmothers house and he said that one day he'd bring me over there. his grandmothers house is beautiful i can only imagine what it looks like on the inside.

Thursday was funny. Sharon saw Sarah Polley and came running to tell me that i was prettier than her. now i have lots of issues with my looks but anyone is prettier than Sarah Polley. sorry not to be mean now. anyway i talked to him on the phone until he got to class and we were egar to know who our scene partners were. lewis told me mine was rob. crappy. and i was dying to know who (m) got. we he got steavie. i was a little jelous but i calmed myself because i know that she likes me and we get along very well so we joked during class. I was thinking that we'd have to go for a drink but (m) wanted to get home. so he dropped me home and that was the night...lol...

Friday i went to holt renfrew after work with kyle. then i took him out for dinner at his sisters bar. we were planning on getting together but we didn't. Mark went to the movies, i'm not sure who with but i didn't want to ask. he called me late when he got home. it was sweet that he comes home and thinks to call me.

Saterday morning i needed to go pick up my boots from downtown so i treked all the way there and all the way back to finch station and cabbed it over to ceaderpoint mall to meet (m). I saw him in his uniform, he look soooo freeking hot. unbelieveable. i stayed for a while and then he put me in the back of the police cruiser. it was too funny these 13 year old flagged us down and they must have thought i was some sort of criminal. lol. then we went back to his house and we hung out and watched t.v until the rest of the clan was ready to go to his.

i'm writing this about so long ago i'm even having trouble remembering.

Tuesday - i moved the last of my stuff from the apartment with my dad. it was sooooo strange seeing the apartment empty. it was sad. i walked around and i could see all the old ghosts floating around. an end to the chapter that i thought was going to be my happy ending. too bad it had to end so badly. so that was that. its finally over.

wednesday - i called in sick to work and (m) and i went to the gym. it was a little strange and i had to give my ID which made me nervous again. i got to see him work out and he made me a plan. then we went to my place where he met my mom. i showered, we hung out and then we went back to his place so he could shower. i spoke with his mom and she offered to sit down with me and come up with a food plan for me. i saw his niece and sister and then we headed to the spa for our massage. it was really relaxing and then we soaked in the hot tub together. afterwards we went back to his place and watched t.v and just cuddled until it was again that time to take me home. his good night kisses were spectacular.

Thurday - i just sorta bummed around and mark came to pick me up and we drove to class together. he went to meet steavie at starbucks and i walked around. class with lewis went really well actually i think we made some real progress. rob asked me out which was kinda wierd. (m) was being reall loving and i think now everyone knows that theres something going on between us. after class we went to insomnia and we has some food and gabbed. it was pretty fun and i got to know steavie a bit more. we didn't stay too long and then mark dropped me off at home. Stevie invited me, (m) and (k) to her place for a sleep over. i was sooo excited i even went out and bought a new set of PJs. hahahaha.

so okay weekly re-cap.

Friday. Friday i didn't work i had a vacation day, i decided to go to the mall and look for a dress for the wedding. i didn't find anything but i did a bit of shopping and i actually saw John Murray. It was soooo strange, he totally remembered me and we chatted. Apparently he's living with Joe from back in the day. Anyway i ended up going out with Kyle and driving around the city and we went to meet Kosta to pick up. We followed a spotlight and that was quite entertaining. Anyway when i got home (m) asked me if i wanted to come with him to his audition in Niagara, we had spoken about it before but i didn't want to push it if he didn't want me to come. Anyhow i agreed (obviously!) so he picked me up bright and early on Sat morning. We went to McD's for breakfast and then we hit the road. The drive was really fast in fact we over shot out destination. So we got to the location and i helped him run his lines. i really enjoyed helping him, it made me feel needed ya know? he introduced me to the producer or director of the film. he had worked with him on another show once before. so then when he went in i parked myself under a tree. He took about 2 hours and the sweetest part of my was when he snuck up on me while i was under the tree and woke me with a kiss. i had a bazillion butterflies.

we then decided to go to the falls. He insisted that we go and see the falls it was very pretty... then we had to walk up this big hill and we were both dying of heat, we went for lunch at dennys and then we went to the Casino. i was kinda freaked out about the ID but nothing happened and it went off fine. We had some good conversation and we were kinda couply at the casino. we played slots together which was cute because (m) was getting really into it. then we had the long drive home which was lovley as usual we chatted and laughed and had a good time. i really enjoyed the day. then he came over to my place to check his e-bay auction. no bids..lol... he met my dad who seemed to really like him.

I got ready to go to Stevies and (m) picked me up and we went downtown to pick up from Reza. Reza was very polite and they seemed to get along well. We chatted for a little bit and we were on our way. We then drove to steavies where we hing out for a little and then we went to the park to hang with bob. we had soooooo much fun! Steavie and i were a great team and we freaked out (m) big time. It was such a blast. We concluded the night with a few episodes of sex in the city and then we resigned to bed.... lalala... in the morning we woke up and snuggled a bit and then we had to jet because Lisa was leaving to go back home and (m) had to help with the airport arrangments. we ended up getting stuck in major traffic so he told his mom he'd meet them at the airport since we were already in mississauga. we stopped and had breakfast and then we went to the airport. i was kinda happy that i was there to see Lisa off and say good-bye. then he dropped me home. it's always so sad saying bye to him even though its not even bye. That night i think he went out with his friend jeremy to get some dinner and we spoke on the phone at night. Then on Monday i went downtown to the gym. it was funny because i didn't call him and then when i got home all of a sudden he was curious to know where i was and what i was doing. i really like that he cares enough to ask. so then we chatted online for a bit and then he called me and i asked him if he wanted to do something. he came and picked me up and we watched dead like me and we just hung out in his room and snuggled. i took a moment to really feel and enjoy the moment and i realized that i was happiest just lying close with him. he is amazing. we then went to subway and shared some stories and he ate my leftovers!! how cute. he dropped me off and that was that. then yesterday i had e-mailed him from work and he called me after the gym. i asked him what he was up to and he said that he was plannng on learning lines that night. so i decided not to worry about if i was going to see him and just do what i want. so i went to the eaton centre and i looked for a dress. no luck but whatever. anyhow he ends up calling me... woo hoo! and then he asks me if i want to come over. so i say yes and i jump in the subway and fly on down i get changed and fly on over there. we have a nice time in his room...lol.. and then his parents came home early! holy heart attack, that was sooo close. he then hooked up his speakers and he had my favourite CD in his player and played me my favorite song 'kissing you' from romeo and juillet. he then asked me if i wanted to go downstairs. i wasn't sure why but i said okay. he took me into the living room and we sat at the piano and he played the most incredible music ever. it was beautiful. i was smiling and choked up all at the same time. i looked at him discreetly and i couldn't help being swept off my feet. he is perfect to me. i almost feel like i'm not worthy of him, what could i possibly have to offer him that he would want to be with me ya know? anyhow we then decided to go get dinner and we came back and we watched big brother. it was sweet just lying and watching his shows and then he showed me the jewish bible. he called his dad from the car to ask for it and he joked that we were talkig religion already...hahaha... i also told him that i found his mothers file...lol... he thought that was funny. it was really nice just spending my evenings with him. really really nice. when we got in the car it reminded me of the line in love actually when the portugese lady tells the guy that the saddest part of her is day is leaving him. he took me home and then we chatted on msn and then we spoke on the phone... loved every miniute of it. i think i'm in love. no i know i'm in love. i'm in love. freaking great, just great. *huff*