dreaming of hollywood

well one miniute i'm up and the next miniute i'm down.... i can't be sure of my mood for more then a few hours at a time... funny this feeling is oodly familiar... oh wait i've been through this before... its called being in love with a guy who can't give you what you want.

lovely.

although in my defense this time is different. this time this guy might actually be worth it in the end. where as last time i was getting taken for the ride of life which eventually left me tottaly corrupted. anyhow... its been a while since i've written in here again... i think i tend to do that when things plateau and it becomes redundant but now i have alot to say about the last few weeks of my life.

first of all, i need to get a grip. like seriously. being up and down like this is not healthy and i don't need stress like this. i need to take control of the situation... thats my goal. i'm not sure how but thats what needs to happen.

Okay so for the recap...holy christ i can't believe how much has happened! lets see well actually there was alot of good times actually, great times in fact. there came a point where i thought i may have found some sort of stability and happiness.

last time i wrote i was concerned about how things were going with (m). well we went to this Director's guild party where i got ridiculosly drunk. we had a good time and we had some fun. (m) looked fantastic in his outfit. we didn't really network all that much but we had fun drinking and hanging out. the next day we had to go to jaclyn's wedding. that was nice, we got ready at the hilton and then went to the wedding. it was nice except it was freezing then we went back to the hotel and he ran me a bath and then we went to bed. we then went to get some lunch and then off to future shop where we picked up some movies. one turning point was the arrival of (m) friend from taiwan. this is the equivilent of my deanna. (m) invited me out with him and his wife for wings. it was really nice, i really really like his friend and his wife is sweet. i also met his friend tim. that weekend we went up to (c) cottage. that is when i think things started to go uphill. we had a fantastic time and one night we ate pizza toppings and he was wonderful... he held my hand and sat up with me. (m) invited me out to his friends places with him for movies and smot spoking and they seem to like me well enough. i heard him on the phone with one of his friends and they asked him if i was his girlfriend and he was like 'pretty much'. we went to kyle's cottage to close it for the weekend which turned into a really fun trip. it was really intimate. we also went to magic hill which was awesome. he stayed with me the whole time and hugged me when i was scared and laughed with me about bad food. i saw his cousin's husband who seemed really happy to see me. that was like so great to have the family like me. anyhow so the point is we did lots of stuff that was really great and before i knew it he was being extra sweet. he let me know when he was going out, called me when he gets home. sends me kisses on msn, calling me baby and holding my hand. he even would call to talk to me the whole ride to his movie rehersals there and back. i think i may have just aquired a boyfriend? well no... and here's how the story goes...

so last tuesday i had an appt at the bay c. (m) called me during the appt and i decided to take the day off and go look at cars. i bussed it to his house where he greeted me with a kiss and we went up to his room where he came to lie down with me. it was incredibly sweet. he even offered me to nap. well one thing led to another and it was the most incredible moment. he was so loving. and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. i could loose it all in a heartbeat and it would be all my fault. there's still that looming fact that he doesn't know my age. so we stayed at his place for a while and then we went to the car dealership. we looked at the wave and i fell in love with it. the dealer guy was ill that day so we left. we then went to the family jeweler where he joked about engagement rings and he even asked me how old i am. again, a ton of bricks sinking in my stomach. what was i going to do? i felt awful. we went back to his place after where we went to hang with (c) and (b). we watched a movie and i fell asleep in his lap. so the next day i went to work feeling wonderful and i realized that i had to tell him the truth. how awful, just as things look like they are coming together i have to go screw it all up. figures... but i had to. so i practiced all the way home on the subway and i told myself that today was the day. wednesday was the day. so i got home and i called him hoping he'd invite me over. and sure enough he did. he was so sweet we went to his place and we watched t.v and of course as usual had an incedible evening. we wrestled and laughed and he made me a samwhich and brought me jello. we cuddled and kissed and played and then the moment came. he looked at me as we lay there and asked me what was wrong. so i stared and as the words left my mouth i could see the shock, anger and dissapointment in his eyes. i got teary realizing that i had let him down and that things may not be the same again. talk about the crappiest moment ever. he took me home after a long ride around looking for a gas station. i appologized again and he kissed me good bye but i could see it on his face. i got home and i cried and cried until i fell asleep. then at 1:30 in the morning i got a call from him telling me not to beat myself up about it and that he'd get over it. i really appriciated that.

so the next day (thursday) (m) had to go to st catherines to start filming the trailor. which meant i had class without him. so that day, feeling crappy as ever i called kyle to meet him at which time i planned to tell him the truth as well. well i ended up telling him over the phone and he was completley understanding and told me not to worry about it. he also told me that if (m) couldn't see past it that he would be his loss. next up i met stevie after work to run lines and i did the same thing. only stevie was soooo happy. she high fived me and she completley understood the rational behind my actions, witout having to explain it to her. i really love her, we talked until class started and then we went to class where i started to feel crappy about the mark situation again. i wish he would call. (k) tried to get me to come to the shania wrap party but i opted to go home. (k) has been incredibly supportive. so after class (s) and i went to her car and we drove to a lot near my house and did some smot spoking and we had a blast. stevie and i get along so great. so then i went home and crashed a bit upset he hadn't called but sure enough he called after wrap at about 1:30 a.m. the next day i called him from work and he called me back but here's the thing. i had done a search under his nickname just because i was bored and i came across these personal ad profiles and he's been on them very recently. i was so upset and he called just at that moment. i nearly died. well i cried and called stevie and she laughed and told me that it was just him being a loser geek that he is. so that night i went to get my hair done then i met up with kyle and we went for dinner and drinks. we had a lovely time, we talked alot and had great conversation. we are really great friends. while we were there mark called to say hello and he said we should come up to niagara, half-joking. well of course, knowing how similarly crazy me and (k)are we hopped over to my office and we checked the bus schedule and hopped on bus to niagara falls with just the shirts on our backs. it was awesome we ran hopped in a cab and hopped on a bus and then ran around niagara. so that was the moment of truth (m) picked us up from the casino and then we went back to the dungy motel that he was staying at. he was acting so bizzare. like a tough guy. any way once i got there he was bing strage he said that we'd have to figure out where everyone was going to sleep. i decided to take a shower. well sure enough (m) decides to come and join me and it was awkward. i asked him if he was still upset and he said that he was still affected by it. whatever that means. and then i asked him if he was serious about the sleeping arangements and he could see that i was about to cry and he hugged me and assured me that i could share his bed with him. i didn't have clothes so he gave me his shirt and pants and told me how cute i look wearing his clothes. we went to bed and in the middle of the night as i was curled up he pushed over to one side and he swiched my pillows to give me a comfier one. i woke up and was like 'what the hell are you doing' it was very amusing actually. the next day we drove home and went to hamilton for footlong hotdogs. we went to future shop to pick up his computer and then he dropped me home. i met up with steavie and we went for dinner at this fancy french restaurant and we had a fabulos time. again we just get along beautifully. she is so supportive, she gives me great advice and she's just lovely. we met up with kyle and then we wandered around town we went and smot spoked and then went to speakers corner and did a play which was halarious. we then went to aritzia and bought some awesome clothes. it was a perfect night. then we went to yonge and eg and met up with (m) (c) and (b) and then (m) dropped me home. (m) was being the biggest jerk. he was being mean and cold and soon my perfect night soon turned into a crappy one. i went home and that was that. sunday i needed to go and buy my make-up at the bay and mark needed to replace his pillows so. so we made a shopping date. we went to the mall where he started to warm up a little and then we went back to his place and spent some time together. it was really nice actually. then we went to frans for dinner and rented princess bride with kyle and we went home. so things were sorta looking up. then yesterday i had the day off, (m) was being all wierd on msn and i was getting annoyed. i asked him if he wanted to hang out and we went to see some cars and i test drove a sunfire. then we went for lunch where it was slightly awkward and we talked about our exs and stuff. then we went back to his place and he left me at his house while he played sqash while i napped in his bed. we sat in his living room and chatted with his parents about my car situation. when he went to tell his mom that i'd be staying at his house while he went out she told him that she thought i was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. she said that she was looking at my face and that she thought that i had the most perfect face. when he came home we went to karaoke with (c) and (b) and (k). we had a great time and he has a beautiful voice. we went outside and we had a moment together which was nice, he told me that he thinks i'm beautiful and we both let the walls down for a little while. i went home happy. so now i'm here and i don't know what tomorrow holds for us but i need to trust in fate that things will work out.

on a side note, i think (k) has a thing for me. stevie told me too. i can see it. but that would never happen even if i was single. or am i single? whatever. oh and i found out that cockwhore quit her job and came back to toronto for (r) and he took her to angela. wtf, i could kill him. he also said that he misses me. well he can miss me till the cows come home but i hate him. i hate him with every ounce of my being.