dreaming of hollywood

So friday i was supposed to go to see jamie and jeff, i invited (m) to come along and he agreed. as usual he was at his mamas and then came to pick me up. lets just say we got a little distracted and we didn't end up going to the party. i feel kinda bad, that friendship is shot. we came back to my place and we ended up falling asleep. sucky, (m) got a ticket for parking at my building. Saterday (m) had to work... yep he got this gig doing walk around magic at indigo at bay and bloor. i needed to do my x-mas shopping so i asked him if i could come down with him. we grabbed a quick bite and then i walked him through the concourse to work. then i was off to do my shopping, i think i did pretty well actually. i got (m) some clothes from FCUK. i figured he needs some cool clothes. i got my dad and (k) and (s) and michael s done. i was pretty impressed. then we went to (c)s and they worked out. i hung out with (b) and it was a little awkward, but she did tell me that (c)s mom wants her to convert to Judaism. then we came back and (m) and (c) played video games i fell asleep and they played for 5 hours. it was cute because (m) was petting me while i was sleeping. he's wonderful. Sunday i had to wake up really early because i had to get flowers for (m)s mom. i went to fairview with my mom and i got the flowers, my mom paid for them which was really nice of her. then i went home and got ready and (m) came and picked me up. I was nervous for some reason, i always want everything to be perfect. anyway i got there and his mom seemed to really like the flowers. (m)'s friend (kv)en was there with his girlfriend. i felt really bad because she was a big girl. not to sound conceited but if i were her i wouldn't want to be in the same room with me and Karen. we had lunch and (m)s mom got us all these little name thingies which was really cute. lunch was great but i know i was being a little quiet, but (m) knows that i can be shy. Then we hung out and put together the highchair for Lia. His sister and him are something else. There is no way she's 29.... just no way. So lisa and lia arrived, lisa has really really blonde hair now, i think she looks better with it dark. Lia got so big and shes very very cute. i think if (m) and i had a baby it's be the cutest baby ever. Monday (m) had to work at indigo again. i stayed at work late with Anne and she did a reading. OMG. i totally believe, she has such a gift.

afterwards i went to meet (m) and i told him all about it, it was sooooo cute, he asked if we end up together! then we went to meet (k) for dinner. i ran into little glenn from release at starbucks and he was really nice to (m). we went shopping on queen and looked at a bunch of cool clothes, i think i could train him well although he seems to think he has a pretty good fashion sense...lol... we had dinner which was nice and then we went to (k)s to hang out. i played him some house music which he doesn't seem to be too fond of. we played halo for a while which was fun. i lost obviously. then he dropped me home. Tuesday was my work x-mas party. i hung out with denise for most of the party and got a little tipsy. Dave was there and he was totally hitting on me. he never mentioned his girlfriend. hmmm. anyway i told denise that (m) was working at indigo and she came with me to meet him. it was really cute, he gave her advice on the murray situation. We went to go try to find the digital camera at staples and then we went to future shop. i ran in and when i came back he was on the phone with Catherine. i guess they were making plans to get together. i was a little drunk so i was a little pissed. i'm not sure why, i sorta twisted what was going on inside my head. then we went to mail the coins and the he dropped me home. he tried calling me but i just went to sleep i was upset and tired. Yesterday i decided that we needed to not see each other so i didn't go by his work. i went home and started to sort laundry and wrap gifts. He called me and we were on the phone for a few hours. we had some good conversation and talked about x-mas plans and all that. we're planning on going away in January... somewhere hot. i can't wait. i need to get in shape for that. So i need to finish all my wrapping and i'm almost done my shopping. i hope this x-mas is a good one.

ohhhhhhhhh.... hahahahha...

i almost forgot... so richard e-mailed me. twice. once was on my birthday wishing me a happy birthday and saying that he hoped we could be friends again and asking about the cats. i was drunk when i opened it so i just closed it and forgot about it. i showed it to mark of course. i started to reply a couple times but i didn't have the heart to tell him that i didn't want to be friends. i mean i already told him that he shouldn't contact me and despite the fact that he's a total asshole and doesn't deserve to know me i still don't like to cause people pain just because i can.

then i got one the other day. i had posted something about 2004 being a tough year and then wrote about all the things that have happened to me. i also talked about giving someone my heart... meaning mark. he e-mailed me to say that i broke his heart but he is so proud of me and that he had to say something.

it freaks me out a little because the psycic said that a dark person would keep coming back to haunt me. and he is. i don't want him in my life and i don't want to be his friend. althouh some part of me wants to reply and tell him to leave me alone. but i love mark and its not fair to put him through that. i mean if anita was trying to get him back (which i'm sure she is) i don't think i'd be exactly thrilled if mark went to meet up with her. so i won't reply to him.

hahahahhahahahaha....

omg all i can do is laugh. i'm so confused and messed up and happy and sad and everything all rolled into one big mess it's actually become comical.

so logging on here to write this blog proved a couple things. 1)Time flys. 2)So much can happen in so little time. 3)i need to actually finish my blogs because right now this is the third week writing this and i keep having to revise it...lol

So i could try to go back and remember all the things that have happened in the last little while but right now i'm too laughy...

okay so first of all i freeeeking passed my G test!!!! I PASSED IT!!! I can't even tell you how big of a deal that is, i haven't driven a car in almost 3 years and i still passed my test. i don't need to worry about this for another 50 years now it's like this huge weight off my shoulders. I need to go and renew it though, but THAT i can do no problem...

Secondly i had my very first audition a couple weeks ago. i'm sooooo nervous. i think i was doubly nervous because i got the audition through (m) and its a joint audition and i didn't want to screw it up for him.

anyway to continue on, yes life sure is unpridictable.

Okay since the last entry things have been consistantly good with me and (m) we went to kareoke a few more times, hung out with friends, just really basically doing fun things.

So thursday i had arranged that (m) get his haircut through angela. so after work he came to pick me up and we were driving in his car and he started complaining that i wasn't taking care of his book or something. (whatever...lol) so we started fighting about it. anyway angela cut his hair and paul just adored him. it was really cute. so we leave and start heading to class. i'm already upset about the fact we are fighting. so he says 'so whats gonaa happen when i go to vancouver?' i'm like 'with what?' and he says 'us'. Ahhhhh omg omg omg he actually said 'us' wooo hooo... basically i said i didn't know and i asked him what he wanted. we established that we are together which was huge relief. he said some really sweet things... he said that in five years he has had all emotionless physical relationships until me. and that when he finds himself having these feelings it scares him... and he's a huge on maintaining his independance and with me he never felt like that was compromised. he told me that i had done a great job with dealing with him and his issues. then we talked about what would happen if he left. i told him that i wanted to stay together and make it work but only if thats what he wanted. he said that he didn't want to be with anyone else but that if something happened he didn't want to be responseible for hurting me. he basically has some seriously messed up commitment issues. but i love him anyway. so we talked it to death and then we went to class. we had a good last class and i hung out and talked with stevie. she's so wonderful. then after class we went out for drinks with the class. it was wonderful. Daniel is only cool guy. and that other annoying talker is actually really nice he bought us all shots.

Then on friday Mark and i were fighting because he was upset that i didn't look for his wig. then he tapped on my window and he picked me up and we went to his place and i helped him fold his laundry and then we went to coles. he was really sweet even though i fell asleep again. then on saterday we went to pick up my dry cleaning and then we went to pizza hut for dinner. we were considering going to see Cole's ex but we didn't. We went to kyles and i had a brutal UTI. i just lay there for the most part. Then on Sunday was the audition. i woke up early and then i got dressed and went to the santa claus parade where mark was working as a cop. we walked back to his car and then he changed in the car and we went to the audition. i was so nervous i felt like throwing up. we got there and i actually ran into Julian. We got in and i hate to slate, it was so adorable, mark nudged me, i looked at him and he winked to calm me down. we had to sit around and talk and it was nothing. i left and then forgot about it. we went to mcdonalds. i didn't really even think about the audition, i just forgot about it. then me and mark went to his place and hung out.

Monday mark went to the movies with Jeremy. They went to see Alexander. anyway, i check my messages and low and behold... i got a callback from the audition. i wanted to call Mark right away but i thought i better just let him enjoy his night. anyway i ended up calling him and left a message that i needed to ask him something. so he calls me back and he asks to borrow my flat iron. i kept asking him what for, he said an audtion so i asked him point blank if it was for lavalife and he said yes. so i told him that i got a callback too. he was really happy for me. i was so excited.

Tuesday i went to the second audtion. I got totally lost like an idiot just before i got there so i arrived all hot and sweaty and out of breath. mark had already done his audtion and he was just waiting for me. i went and got my picture taken and waited for my call. i got sent in with all these people who were pulled off the streets. no professional actors. mark had warned me that they make one girl do this stupid thing with the phone. anyway of course they ask me to be the phone girl and then i needed to pretend to mingle and noone react. all the other people just stood there... i'm like hello??? do something!! i was acting to no one. anyway i gave it my best considering the circumstances and my ADD was making me lose focus. i came out feeling like the biggest idiot ever! I had totally bombed the audtion. i couldn't stop thinking about it. even in the car ride home i was feeling so dissapointed but i guess thats what happens right? i looked at it like a learning experience. then mark too me to his agents office and i met Colin. he was like 'wow she really does look like angelina jolie' ahhaha so cute of mark. so that was kinda nice.

so wednesday i was just chilling at home and mark i think was sleeping. i get this call and its the casting people saying that they want to put me on hold for the part! i was freeking out but i didn't call mark... because its just a hold. then about an hour and a half later i get a call confratulating me that i was cast!! i can't evem describe the feeling. i was soooooo happy i was 'scilent screaming' and jumping all over the place. i had to call mark. he was soooo happy for me and then he called me a bitch because he hadn't gotton a call. anyway so he told me not to worry about it and that it would be fun. i was told i'd have to deal with marks agency, which really was fine with me because it starts some sort of relationship with the agency. we went to future shop and looked at computers and all that fun stuff. we always have such a good time there...bahahahaha....

Thurday i went to Jacob to buy a dress because on friday mark was taking me out to dinner for my birthday. and he was wearing a suit so i needed something pretty that he hadn't seen before. i wasn't feeling well at all. i had a kidney infection so i told mark that i was going to the doctor and he offered to take me. it was really sweet, he picked me up and he took me to the walk-in and then to shoppers to pick up my medication, we went to mc donalds and we decided to go out with cole and neil. we went to the biere market and we sat around and talked. neil is one wierd dude. but he's nice none the less.

so friday i had off work. i woke up early did some laundry did my hair curly. i had my wardrobe session for the shoot at 3:30. mark called me early afternoon and he wasn't in a good mood at all. he had gotton into a big arguement with his parents over money and they took away his visa and the gas card. he was pretty upset about it so i tried to stay out of his way. He came by to pick me up and he started to talk about what happened with his parents. it melted my heart to have him confide in me. i could see that he was upset about it. he had turned down supply work. so we drove to the fitting and we went into this fancy building where i met the stylist. the fitting was fun at first i was trying all these sexy outfits on and they were taking my picture and then the director came and she didn't like the outfits at all. i ended up taking an hour for wardrobe and the director asked me to learn this bit from almost famous and the the client kept asking me to come in. i was stressing out big time because mark was waiting for me in the hallway and we had dinner reservations for 5:45. So we finally left and mark was obviously upset. we got to his place and changed very quickly and we bolted off to the resaurant. we got there and we sat down. it was a very cute romantic little italian place. it was the most grown up romantic thing ever. then he said that he was going to be back in to mins to get money. i told him not to bother. he said that i was very beautful but he was still going to go. i lost graso of his hand and he bolted out and was actually back very quickly. when he got back he told me that he got me a birthday present. i was totally suprised. he pulled out this jewelery box, neatly wrapped and everything and slid it across the table. i could have cried but i was so embarassed i'm horrible with gifts. i opened the box and and it was this beautiful silver bracelet and i looked at the box and realized that he had bought it from his family jeweler. i was sooooo touched. i thanked him but i don't think i showed him just how much it meant to me. we had a lovley dinner. we were both pretty tired and he suggested jokingly we go home and play video games and he could distract me.. hahaha that sounded perfect after the day we just had. so then we were off to hairspray which was nice. we had a lovley evening and mark got to meet michael. then he took me home and i reveled in a wonderful day. i felt on top of the world. the next day was my actual birthday. i was on msn and the i get a message 'happy birthday princess' and he had changed his msn name to happy birthday baby. i was sooo touched for a guy to actually do that for me. so he came and picked me up and we went to his jewlers to get my bracelet fitted. we then went to future shop and we bought mark a computer. i loaned him the moeny. it was really tight but i know that it was what he wanted. then we went back to his place and dropped off the computer. his mom came to wish me happy birthday. then we went to my place and we ahd dinner with my parents. he brought them wine. i was really nice. then we went to marks and then to kyles and we played halo 2. kyle bought me a card and a cute gift. it was sweet.

on tuesday was the shoot. mark and i got into a fight about a flat iron before we got there. the shoot was long 19 hours. we didn't leave the set until 5:00 a.m. the director said that i was the most talented and she thinks i'll be union in no time. mark and i hung out on set all day and he was very sweet. i hated my hair and wardrobe but it was kinda fun having some of the scenes revolve around me.

the next day i called in late at work. i got in soooo much trouble and for the first time i broke down crying in michael's office. he was sooo pissed and basically told me that if i didn't shape up i'd have to ship out. i didn't know what to do i was soooo frustrated. i just wanted to quit. that night i went to marks place to help him make a video audtion for his vancouver agent. it really took my mind off of things. it was lots of fun and he really appriciated my help with it. that night he called me to say thanks and he couldn't have done it without me. that made me smile.

On friday i went to his house and we hung out for a little and then he took me home because he wasn't feeling well. poor guy. he had just finished a magic show and he made us dinner. i love all the time we spend together.

then on saterday i stayed home and caught up on some sleep. mark went clothes shopping with jeremy and then he called me. kyle had wanted to hang out, mark said that he wanted to stay in so i told kyle and he seemed kinda pissed off. we ended up hanging out and then going for dinner with cole and becky and her sister at montanas. it was really nice and then we went back to their place and we watched some movie clips from back to the future. then on sunday mark had a magic show in burlington and he called me on the trip up and the way back, he came and picked me up. i brought my gamecube over. we got to his place and we set up the game cube and we played for a little while and then we watched tv. we had the most incredible evening it was so romantic, we listened to french music and i fell asleep in his arms. then we slow danced to the music and we cuddled. it was perfect.

monday he called me and asked me if i wanted to come to his agency party with him, of course i accepted and we went. it wasn't terribly exciting but it was exactly what i thought it was. i saw colin who said it was good to see me...yay. we ate and people watched and then he took me home. i was so happy that he includes me in these types of events. tuesday i went to future shop with mark and we got a router for his computer and then we went to meet cole and becky for wings at duffs. we had a nice time and the we went to our respective houses. last night (wednesday mark called me on the bus and he asked if i wanted to come over... of course i did! i went home and changed and then he came and picked me up. we watched t.v and i helped his practice lins for two auditions. we fell asleep at his place. i invited him to come to annes with me for a reading. i'm a little nervous but i think it'll be good. i totally trust her.