dreaming of hollywood

i love red bull

lots and lots of ketchup

prefer room temperature water

only drink bottled water

i am an actress

i always fall asleep watching movies

i love gingerbread lattes

i have a problem eating the last bite

i love seven jeans

my favourite movie is love actually

i am really good at crash

"snap"

i'm a fashion freak

FCUK, Artizia

"not so much"

i rarely wear socks

i'm always cold

i sweat alot

i have a crazy laugh

i'm shy sometimes

i get headaches lot

i have two tattoos and want more

i look like angelina jolie

i always sleep in

i have a shopping problem

i love eating out expecially the keg

i'm scared to be alone

i chew my tounge when i concentrate

had a wonderful weekend...

Saterday morning (m) called to wake me up... but he wasn't awake himself yet. we chatted for a bit in the morning and then he came to pick me up and brought me to his house to make me french toast. i had a blast, it was sooo cute to see him cook for me. he put on this little cooking show skit for me i was dying of laughter, he threw the butter in to the pan and totally missed and he was cutting the bread all crooked. he had the best bread ever.... come sort of jewish bread called hulla. then we ate and it was amaaaaazing! soooo yummy. then we went upstairs and he gave me a present, it was the lance armstrong bracelet that i wanted so much! i was totally touched it was such an awesome gift. then we slept for like 5 hours. it was so nice to sleep in his bed with him. we cuddled and spooned and then we woke up and got ready slowly because it was (ne)'s birthday party. (ne) called and he was telling (m) that he went to this rub and tug. that makes me sick. but you can't really be mad at him because this guy truly is delusional. he said that he was touching the masseuse too and then he got her number. he said that she might come out to the party. wtf???? who does that? on what planet does he think that this girl would like him and WHY for the love of god why would even want to associate with a girl like that? its nasty. and he says 'shes a nice jewish girl' bahahahhaha.... anyway (m) and i discussed (ne)s adventures and i told him that i think its totally gross and almost immoral. paying for sex? i'm sorry but i don't see the pleasure in that.

anyway we got ready and we headed out to pick up (kv). in the car i realized that i'm going to a party surrounded by (m)s friends and chances are i'd have to entertain myself for a little while. so i asked if i could call (s) and (m) said i could invite whomever i wanted. (s) was at the hospital with joey so she couldn't come. i called deanna and she was busy too. but it was nice to talk to her again. then we picked up (k). i could have lost it in the car... (k) and (kv) together... (kv)s totally cool but (k) turns into this arrogant show off and i feel like slapping him.

i'm trying my hardest not to talk badly about people but i'll do it here. he kept talking about the strip club and all these inside jokes.... like okay... you already dragged my boyfriend to the peeler bar.. fine i can deal with it whatever. i trust (m). but stop rubbing it in my face... oh and then he started with Montréal. he wanted to go to Montréal and i'm not entirely sure if i would have been included in that or not but he was talking about the strippers there and so on... i was thinking SHUT UP!! Its not like he can afford it first of all and also why does he have to act like he's this tough guy? so we got to the club and (m) and i had dinner with (m)... we had cheese fondue. for some reason i was struggling for things to talk about with him. i was nervous, i still get all nervous. i guess that’s a good thing though. then we met up with (c) and (ne) and (ne) has this completely ridiculous outfit... it was a tux with a mesh cowboy hat on... bhahahahahhaha poor guy. really. so we had some drinks and (kv) and (k) joined us also john and chris, tim, moses and a few of (k)s friends came by. what a wacked group of friends. there’s not like one normal person there.... which is fine but makes me wonder how (m) got in there. i ended up spending most of the night chatting with (c). (kv) and (k) kept going on about how much the hate (c) and by the end of the night (kv) was depressed and moping... (k) was strutting, (c) was half in the bag, niel was pissed that he hadn't met a girl and i was tired and ready to go home... oh and (ne)s hands are too small. lol.

so we drove home and have (k) his present and (m) drove me home. i slept well and then i woke up around 11:00. i called (m) because we had some errands that we wanted to run. so he picked me up and we went to costco first because (m) said that they had amazing pizza and they totally did! it was fantastic....then we went to pick up the video camera. i think that (c) and (b) are having marriage issues. i could tell by the way (c) was talking to her. also (m) said that (c) and (b) would be getting marriage counseling. but come on.... nothing can change (c).. he's a moron plain and simple so (b) did it to herself not to say that if she's unhappy she shouldn't leave but how could she be surprised that (c) doesn't meet her needs? anyway afterwards we went downtown to go look at some products for (m). we went to kheils and we got some samples and then we walked around a looked in stores... it was really nice... like i say every time we go out together i have a really nice time. i bought the mary is my homegirl t-shirt and that’s about it. so we're walking back to the car and who do i see? yep. richard. i my heart nearly stopped. all i could do is turn to (m) and say 'ohmigod there’s my ex'. i thought it was too late and if he saw me try to avoid him then i would look stupid so i just went forward. we chatted for a little bit and then i was off. i had to introduce them to each other. i thought i was going to die... but it was waaaaay less dramatic than i had imagined it to be. he looked horrible too. heh heh. then we went to CAYA and we looked around it was closing soon so we headed to future shop to get some blank DVDs. after we were both hungry so we went to quiznos and got a sub to eat. we went back to his place and we ate and then we went to his room to work on the video. i could tell he didn't care. he doesn't learn his lines properly and he was doing this whole face-off shpeal.... i don't think i have all the answers but i think maybe he was over doing it just a tad. well more than a tad but who am i right? after he was done the video i curled up in his bed and i went to sleep while he watched carnivale. he woke me up to go home and he was kissing me while i slept. it was very cute. he dropped me home and i went online.... i told him that i had a really good weekend and he told me that he wished that i could have slept over.... i told him one day we would be able to. i told him i'd let him get back to work and we went to bed...

monday i had a really busy day at work, i asked (m) if he could pick my high school transcripts.... and he agreed happily! so after work i went home and (m) went to the gym for his ab class and squash with jeremy... i watched the rest of the alias DVD and worked on my letter for university. i'm really hoping that i get in.

yesterday (m) went to get my transcripts... i did really really bad in highschool. like really really bad. i'm disappointed. after work i came home and showered and then (m) came over to get me. we went to his place and i watched this movie of rocky that he made and we packaged these coins. then we sent them off and we got the movie 'made' and i rented then next disc of the alias series. afterwards we went to Yorkdale and we went to indigo to find books on the movie program, they didn't have any... then we went to holts to look at mens skin care. we had so much fun... (m) does this voice that kills me. (m) told me that Margaret would have to be put in a home soon and his moms pretty upset about it. we drove to yonge and eg indigo and we found some books there. we decided to go for dinner and a movie. we went to pickle barrel and we had grilled cheeses and then we went and saw million-dollar baby. it was okay but really slow. it was the first time we ever went to see a movie alone.... it was really nice to have a date date. then he dropped me off and to bed i went.

So.... Friday....

what a day.

a got a letter from the property managers saying that i owe them last months rent and that legal action would be taken against me. i was totally freaking out. i called (m) and he told me not to panic. he actually was teaching at E.Haig that day - band class....lol

So i called the lawyer and he was such a total asshole. ASSHOLE. he said 'see you in court' and hung up. i was fuming. anyway i ended up talking to (r). yep. for the first time in 6 months i spoke to him at first it was strictly about the issue and then he was telling me how wonderful it was to hear my voice and then he was crying. it was tough to hear. anyway i he was very supportive and helpful with everything and we chatted for a little while.

so that night i went home and i was supposed to meet up with jon but i didn't have the energy to do it. so i stayed home while (m) went out for (kv)s birthday with (k). (k) called me in a drunken stooper from the car.... he thought i was an answering machine... at least they think about me when they're out right! even though they didn't end up at a strip club which surprisingly.... didn't piss me off. i trust (m), in some strange way i have faith in us... he agreed we could make breakfast on the weekend... yay.

So i spent like an hour and a half at the gym and of course i come home and eat 5 chocolates. it's (m)s fault he was eating chocolate on the phone. i wish i had more discipline but i can't help it.

yesterday at work some people were all like 'hey you're the girl from t.v' it was so strange... i guess the commercial is airing now... (m) had been trying to catch it for some time and last night at like 2:00 a.m. he finally saw it and he managed to tape it. i don't really want to see it... i must look horrible... but hey at least i'm on t.v...lol

I spoke with Leanna last night, it’s always nice to talk to her. i told her about (m) and we chatted about the old crew. its looking like she'll be back by june. i hope that she has a baby soon. but her health is kind of preventing her from doing that at the moment... i can't imagine not being able to have kids.. especially her!

so i'm totally psychic... actually no, i think i'm just not a dumbass. yesterday i knew something was up with (m) when he was on the phone with me. he was e-mailing (an). well it didn't end well... basically he e-mailed her saying he couldn't understand why she played stupid as to why he didn't want to talk to her and then she said that they had been broken up for 4 years already and that she didn't think he'd care that she 'kissed' ashley. she said it was harmless fun. then she asked him if he's not over her. and told her that she can think what she wants and best of luck in Calgary and then it ended with her telling him to grow up. hmmmm. intermaresting.

haha so i told (m) that i had found his personal ads online and i checked them and he went back and amended them and he deleted everything.. hahahhaha... made me laugh. if only he knew that i've know about them for like 3 months... he kept sending me naughty text messages at work they made me smile...

i got the information on the M1 license... i'm really excited about that but i have to buy a helmet. hopefully (m) would like to do it with me. i think that would be cool. we'd look hot on bikes...

i'm also going to finish my application to York and all that and finish my application. i was having some doubts about going back to school, i was worried about not having money. there are so many things that i want. firstly i have to pay off my credit cards... ouch... and then i want a new bed and to redo my room. i have a list of little things that i want. i want to go on some trips and have spending money. but the fact is i hate it here at my job and if i'm serious about acting i'm going to have to make some sacrifices. i'm gonna have to get some crappy bartending job somewhere. so i printed off the list of agents from ACTRA and (m) some some contacts so i asked him if i could go through it with him on Thursday. Since today we might be going for wings and tomorrow is a big day for TV. LOL Alias is on and so is Lost and smallville. Adam invited me to this party, i kinda want to go because i haven't seem him in a while. but i doubt (m) will want to go.

hey (c) starts school tomorrow... lol... i wonder how that’s going to go. anyway (m) was saying that i just have to start doing some serious cardio apparently you can do as many crunches as you want but if you don't loose the fat nothing will happen. crappy mccrapperson. i dooooon't want to go to the gym again. i hate it. but i think i have to.

Anyway so then i gave (m) his gift. i was really nervous that he wouldn't like it. Well it looked like i screwed up a bit. I totally underestimated his size. i thought for SURE he'd wear a small.... i was even debating on getting the XS! Well nothing fit... cept the t-shirt which i don't think he liked very much (but it looks smokin' hot on him) the rest of the stuff he seemed to like and i told him we could go exchange it. we hung out at my place for a little while longer and then we went to his place. i ended up napping for like 5 hours while he played the game that (c) got for him. We then we back to my place where we watched the first two episodes of Alias and snacked on x-mas dinner leftovers. we had some tea and snuggled on the couch and around 2:00 he left. it was really nice. i had a wonderful x-mas.

Oh and Richard e-mailed me too. I haaaaaaate this.

On boxing day i woke up early and watched a few more episodes of alias. i started to really get into it. (m) called and we chatted for a while in the morning and then i got this idea to got to fairview and look for hair product since my mom got him $35 at trade secrets. He came to get me and we were both in really great moods. we went to fairview and we looked around and grabbed a bite to eat. neither of us bought anything and (m) took me back home since he had to go out for dinner with the parents. The rest of the day i spent watching alias. I called (m) out of frustration with alias and he called me back laughing at how into the show i was getting. we didn't end up going anywhere since he was getting frustrated with the movie program on his new computer.

Monday was my first day of not working. it was fantastic. i got to sleep in and watch more alias. (m) went out for lunch with his family since Lisa was leaving on Tuesday. After his lunch he came by to get me and we went to Yorkdale. He brought his FCUK stuff that i bought him to exchange it. The mall was pretty nuts and the FCUK store was insane we ended up just dropping everything in the car and then we went looking. I bought a new robe from the GAP. its the softest thing ever. i love it. (m) helped me choose it and was really helpful. he told me to get another size since its supposed to be comfy. he was soooo right. i also got a tin of peppermint hot chocolate from Williams and Sonoma. he didn't get anything but we went to holts and i made him try on a pair of sevens. they looked pretty good! we also pretended like we fit in there and looked at the prada and the armani. After that we went back to his place and we made some of the hot chocolate and hung out. I showed his sister my new robe and she loved it. It turns out that Lia ((m)s niece and Lisa's daughter) needs to wear this helmet thing because part of her head is flat. Shes such a cute little girl. (m) and I went to (c)s to watch Braveheart on his projector screen. i have to say it was a really good movie but i think it may have been over hyped up that i wasn't 'blown away' like other people were. (m) was going to KILL (c) because he kept talking and spoiling the movie.

Tuesday (m) went to the airport with his family and then her went to take his pager in or something. i went to the gym... we hung out at his place and watched t.v and so on. He had put the picture from Hanukah in frame. he likes me!! lol Then we came back to my place and watched some alias and ordered some pizza and wings!

Wednesday we went to go pick up his pager. i was in a bit of a mood for some reason. then we went downtown to exchange (m)s clothes. We spent sometime at FCUK and then we went to Due west and looked along Queen Street. it was incredibly fun. We were supposed to meet (k) afterwards so we went to the future shop where we ended up meeting (k) and (m) invited Kevin... they were going to invite (ne) too but (k) put his foot down. (k) was getting a bit snippy. we decided on philthy mcnastys at yonge and eg and when we got there (k) was playing with me and he made me fall... i was so mad but i contained it. we went to eat and it was fine. after me (m) and (k) went to (k)s place and we watched this movie Garden State.... I absolutely fell in love with it. The girl reminded me soooo much of me and the way i am an the way i think. i was inspired. i'm going to go buy it as soon as i can. The guy from scrubs wrote, starred and directed it. He's a genius.

After going shopping with him three times in one week i realize i LOVE shopping with him. I accept the fact that his has a bit of a different idea of cool, but i always have such an amazing time with him. he holds my hand all the time and I LOVE that. he's so fun and we have such a great time being little snobs. its wonderful.

Thursday I went to I n I to get my hair dyed. i dyed it dark brown, it looks really great.... then I had the photo shoot with that photographer. He was a really nice guy and totally appreciated me doing the shoot. But i really didn't feel like doing it. I hate still photo shoots. But i figure it can never be bad for my portfolio. I knew that (m) was meeting up with his friend katheryn and i was a little nervous about that. I mean (m) has never really told me too much.... he told me that he really gets inspired and motivated by her. but from what (k) says he had a thing for her. so i had spoken to stevie in the morning and we had agreed to get together for lunch or something. She came to meet me at the salon and then Ricky the photographer offered to buy us a drink. So we agreed and we went to Insomnia and had a martini. Ricky seemed like a nice enough guy and him and Stevie got along really well. I kept talking about (m)... i must have sounded like one of those obsessive girlfriends. But the way Stevie talks about him...LOL.. man its too funny... i know he's not perfect but i love him. to me he is perfect... even with all his quirks. Stevie kept saying oh 'she can do soooo much better'.. i thought that was a little bit of an inappropriate comment especially if front of this guy...anyway i don't think i can.. with (m) i feel like i already have the best. So after Insomnia we went and we smoked with this guy and then Stevie and i drove home to her place. that's when some of the drama began. She wanted to pick up some smot and i told her that i had some at (m)s. she asked me to call him and ask if we could pick some up. i called him and he said no. i was a little surprised that he had said no but i didn't really think anything of it. i told her that he said no and she didn't like that answer. So she called him and asked him again, he said no. then she kinda went of on him and was like 'it's karyn's' and he lost it on her. I'm not sure exactly what happened but it ended up with her hanging up on him and throwing the phone across the car. i was thinking.... this CANNOT be good. i asked her what had happened and she said that (m) was being really rude to her. The way she told me the story it did sound like he was being rude. Then he called me back telling me to tell her this and that... so on and so on and i just didn't want to get in the middle. (m) ended up saying goodbye abruptly and getting off the phone. i was upset by all of this. i knew that he was now on his way to meet Katheryn and although i really wasn't worried still...i wasn't thrilled but who would be thrilled about their boyfriend having dinner with a beautiful blonde? and she is beautiful there's no denying that... he's not doing anything wrong so i can't be upset or anything and deep down i trust him and i don't feel threatened by other girls, not even her. in fact this is just the tip of the iceberg i'm sure since hopefully we'll both be successful and in this industry its all pretty people.....anyway.... stevie was mad at (m) and i told her that if that’s how she feels that she is totally entitled to her opinion. then she went on to tell me that (m) talks dirty to her and other girls and that if she were me she would not be okay with her boyfriend doing things like that. to be honest it sorta kinda bugged me but i know how (m) is and i know that he cares about me. i know it. and i know that he's a joker and that sometimes he says inappropriate things but that he doesn't mean anything by it. So now i'm feeling really crappy because even though i don't really care i can't help but be affected by it. So then comes the (k) drama. (k) had been calling us like 16 times... my phone would ring and then 2 seconds later stevies phone would ring... and then repeat.... it was ridiculous, he freaked us right out. i got us lost somehow and when (k) found out that we were lost he said he'd come out and escort us home i tried to stop him. but it didn't work. he then said he was going to go to sherway to exchange his jeans... how convenient... me and stevie are in the sauga and he just happens to want to exchange his jeans there??? we didn't want to hang out with him so i kept getting off the phone. then we went to starbucks and he asked to speak with stevie and he asked her if he could come over. that little worm!! i know he's desperate to hang out with us but really come on now... when i talked to (k) stevie and told him about the fight with (m) and (k)s response was that he's probably a little worked up because Katheryn's in town. i asked him wtf that was supposed to mean? i asked him if i think he still likes her and he said he probably isn't actively perusing her but that if given the opportunity he would go for it.... just great.... that's not what i needed to hear. i asked him one last question... i asked him if he thought that Katheryn knew about me. and (k) said without hesitation... 'in all likelihood she doesn't know that you exist.' So now thoughts that weren't even in my head before are filling up with doubt and worry. i had to really talk myself down. Having been hurt by cheating before i get like this wall when i think it could happen again... like i just want to run away. i don't mean run away from (m) but run away from the feelings that i could get hurt. but that's life i COULD get hurt again.... its very possible but i will NOT live my life in fear. I pride myself as being someone who loves passionately, deeply and fully. i am proud of the love that i give to (m)... even if don't say it to him, i do give it to him. I will not let some insecurities warranted or not compromise that.... because its LOVE that makes life so beautiful. Its this part of my life that makes me glow.

So after i realized that (k) had worked me up for nothing... i kinda got a little pissed at him and at myself.

No one knows what (m) and i share except (m) and i. i trust in my feelings for him and i trust in his feelings for me. I know (m) has a horrible track record and that since his last relationship he has some issues... i recognize that and accept that and i have faith that (m) will over come these. but he has to do them on his own and i think hes done a great job. he wonderful to me. he makes me happy and i see what we have together and even though we are both horrible communicators and don't talk about how we feel that often if forces us to show and to feel and for that i can say we have something great. a really healthy caring, supportive relationship.

I know that (k) can't see that and he might just be looking out for me and stevie too.... but i don't want or need the same things as either of them. honestly stevie isn't mature enough to understand. (k)... he's either in love with me or (m)... or both and he doesn't like it. i think he like us together but deep down he wouldn't be sad to see us fall apart.... but we won't. they just have a totally warped perception of us. at least i think they do.... the idea crossed my mind that maybe i'm the delusional one.... but that was a temporary moment of weakness. i believe in us. i was also a little mad at myself for letting me get affected by what they were saying, for actually considering these ideas.

(m) called me when he got back and we talked about what had happened with stevie. everything with us was okay. I asked him about his night and they had gone to the keg. he told me that it just wasn't the same without me. she came to his place to see something with the ipod. she saw my pictures and she said that i was very pretty. (k) drove me home and i called (m) and we chatted until i went to bed. we were trying to figure out new years plans... nothing we were planning sounded it good but i just wanted to spend it with (m).

Friday was new years eve. I did some laundry and packed my bags and then went to (m)s. We had some lunch and hung out for a bit and then we got ready to go out. (m) looked fantastic. what a hottie. (m)s mom really liked my hair. anyway we went to (c)s and dropped off our stuff and then Jer came and picked us all up to go for dinner at the outback. Tim showed up with his girlfriend and his roommates. His girlfriend Jenn looked like she was okay but the other two came off as such bitches. They didn't say hi or even acknowledge me or (b). (b) and I were not impressed. (m) got a little upset with me because i came in the boys bathroom. haha... oops. Then we went to this house party that was a producer friend of Jers. All the guys were eyeballing me i had to keep my head down.... i think maybe they were looking for a new years kiss? Hmmm.... anyhow... we stayed there for a bit and then we took off to Nathan Philips Square for the countdown. We had a nice new years kiss and we snuggled and then we went to (c)s sisters boyfriends place... we had such a fun time sitting on the couch and playing with these party toys... we laughed so much..... alas it was time for home where we had a wonderful wonderful night... wink wink.....

Saterday we woke up and showered, (m) told me how beautiful i look without make-up and that my eyes looks beautiful especially with my new hair. We went to the golden griddle with C&B and Jer and we had a good breakfast. it was lots of fun. Jer has a new girlfriend, he seems to really be into her. I'm happy for him. Then we went back to (c)s and they played bond while i napped. for 5 freeking hours. i should have gone home. then we ordered pizza and then (m) took me home. When i got home i noticed that Uncle Rolfe had bought me an LCD monitor. I can't wait to get it all set up. I'm looking forward to making my room nice again.

(c) was pissing me off.... i know that guy doesn't like me... he's just jealous of (m) in every way and he's jealous that i'm hotter than his wife... he's a knob. I like his in the sort of way that he's (m)s brother but i really am beginning to understand why no one likes him. i gave him a chance i really really did but i'm looking my patience here.... he can't insult everyone just because he's insecure.

Sunday (yesterday) i woke up and it was blah out.... i was going to go to the gym but i didn't feel like it, (m) was going to go to the gym too. i settled in my bed with alias and then i looked down at my stomach. I picked up the gym bags right away. after that i came home and showered and i chatted with (m) for a bit. he was meeting up with Kevin T for wings at the goose. afterwards he came to pick me up and we went to his place. i watched some alias and he fiddled with his computer. i was a little annoyed that he spent like 2 hours trying to fix this ipod stuff for katheryn and then offered to come over to her place to fix it. i mean all while i was there but whatever... it doesn't matter. we then watched one of his movies and then started the last samurai. when he was attentive it was really nice. he took me home and we had an amazing goodbye kiss. it was the perfect way to end the night and start the work week.

So today is my first day back at work, i'm miserable here. i'm not happy to be back at all. it seems so daunting.... a whole year ahead of me here. woah. its really busy although i don't really have too much to do. everyone seems really stressed out. Giovanni is gone now, i'm really going to miss him. Anyway i spent most of my morning typing this out and also i've been at the walk-in. I de-tagged my Aritiza jeans on lunch and i ran a few errands. (m) and Lewis called. I called (m) back and apparently his ex ((an)) called him today. She called to tell him that him that she was moving to Calgary. He basically told her best of luck and that he didn't want to talk to her. He told me that he felt so bad after for being mean. I can relate to that seeing as i feel AWFUL about ignoring Richards e-mails. I feel like i'm being so mean. I hope that he stays strong and doesn't call her back. I'm really not in the mood to be dealing with another ex that wants back in the picture. i did it with Richard and i'm not doing it again. Anyway then i called him back and he was all distant and weird so i just got off the phone with him. Now i'm feeling crappy. Ugh.... *Note to self* Karyn if you're re-reading this down the road and the ex or any other ex is a problem... DO NOT TAKE IT. No matter how much it hurts walk away.

I have a bunch of errands to run including going to the gym tonight...