dreaming of hollywood

countdown to cuba...

March 23, 2005

Well..... i thought that today was the start of a nice easy strech of living but apparently i overshot by a day. i woke up this morning put on my brand new Uggs and head out the door. they are so comfortable i'm sorry i hadn't got them sooner, but the ones i got a coogees and they are not the ugg brand they are actually much better quality so i'm sorta glad i waited to do my research instead of just buying them at Aritzia. anyhow Michael is in Ottawa for the next couple days then we're off for easter and then he heads out to New York for this conference. so thats a week and a half without the boss. And then- the week he comes back, i'm gone to Cuba so i won't have to deal with his crap for sometime. Anyway so this morning i got myself a grande toffee nut latte - i forgot to ask for it to be non fat. crappy. and i mosyed on into work thinking that today would be an easy day - hey i might even get to leave early to meet dear stevie for coffee. well i stopped at the walk in to pick up some of my stuff on the way up to 7th and sure enough Anne was there and she said she was told to come here while they waited for me. WHAT THE FUCK. as soon as i head that i started to cry. well not cry but the tears were there and i was pretty choked up. i have been really emotional lately so i'm not sure if its hormones or if i'm just at the end of my rope at this place. but i hate it down here. like HAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE it. i have no compassion for my clients anymore. i hate to say it but i don't give a shit about their problems. i know thats completley insensitve and wrong but i've been hearing the same shit for four fucking years. yes i'm saying fuck alot and its not like me but i'm pissed. anyhow i find myself boiling inside if the talk to long or don't listen to what i'm saying. if my phone rings and they are talking to me and i can't answer it, i feel like punching them. now thats a problem no? they will tell me about their starving children and the stories of refugee and they 10 years of university in their country and it means nothing here.... and i'm standing there wishing they would go away and stop bothering me. if thats not a clear indication that i have been doing this too long then i don't know what is. i mean these people come in person for a reason. they deserve a person who will WANT to help them and spend the time. hell, there was a time where i was the best person to talk to. i took the time, i showed compassion and reaped the benefits of helping people. i loved that i made a difference in peoples lives. i felt great about coming to work. these people deserve someone like that and that's NOT me right now. So why do they insist that i come down here? well because i'm about the only normal LOOKING person in our department. Geez if i was fat and ugly they'd stick me on 7 and never let me down. curse these good looks. bhahahaha. kidding. but seriously now i don't need supervision, i can handle this whole place by myself - no one else can do that. even when maala was here full time 3 people would be in line and she would panic. christ they are just people - she should visit the passport office.

anyway so the point of all this is the fact that i hate my job. Wherever they're cracks i go in to fill. fill in at the walk in, take some calls, do some e-mails, manage the info box, take my calls. None of these things are my job, they are someone elses so why i am getting called to do them. Lets call me Caulking. anyway on top of all that i bust my freeking ass. i know alot of the time i have nothing to do i admit i have it good - SOMETIMES but then like days like this week i take my lunch and then do more work and no one even knows but because somewhere in there i have a good work ethic, i do it anyway. and what thanks do i get? i can't even take the day off of my dads 50th? Where are these peoples sense of people. my god i tell you, we aren't making the 75 000 - 200 000 that the rest of the college makes. there is a reason these people who work the category 11- 13 job do what they do. its so they don't have to take their work home with them, so they can live their lives and management think that this work is so important that they can infringe on that. bull fucking shit. i hope i can get the hell out of this shit hole soon, but in the back of my head this is the shit hole that gave me - a 17 year old supporting myself completley a 32 000 a year job, with benefits. but the fact remains i'm not doing well here it seems like NOTHING i do is good enough, i'm just barely treading water here. i saw Michael's log book and i see that he records my lates. even if its just a few minutes. i don't know what more i can do.

in other news i took a break from my pills for a week so i could have a visit from my friend and now i'm back on it and i think my hormones have gone insane. i'm just so sensitive i mean i'm already seriously worked up about work and then yesterday when i was on the bus i saw this blind man. he was waiting for the bus with a bunch of people and they all rushed the bus and no one helped him. you could tell he couldn't see well - (duh) and he just waited for the next one. i was all teary because the poor man just takes lifes brunts like that. so sad. i wish i could have helped him but where i was on the bus, i couldn't get out that way.

what the world needs now...

i've really been slacking on this journal. i need to start writing even when i'm at home nightly. (m) and i were talking about how important it was to record how we're feeling for the sake of our careers. and i also think how nice it is to see how life progresses. so i'm going to try harder.

so first of all i have an agent now. that process was something else. i tell you. i met with (m) agency and that did not go well, they made me feel like total crap. i felt like i had to sell myself and i didn't even know what to say. i'm good? is that what i'm supposed to say? well anyway i only had a few meetings and it came down to two agents. i picked the smaller agency and a really inexperienced agent. at first i was feeling really good about it. i asked anne and she said that the guy agent would just sit on his butt. anyway they didn't make me sign a contract or anything which was kinda cool. anyway since then i've had a few auditions, mostly commercial. i didn't book anything. *sigh* there was one in mexico which would have been nice. anyway i also got an audition for this ABC pilot. for a lead role. apparently they really pushed for me to see this casting director. i stayed up all night with mark practicing. i felt kinda guilty that i wasn't prepared as much as i could have been. but i dont know the words weren't falling off my tounge just the way i'd like them too. anyway work was pretty understanding suprisingly. i had the audition and i think that it went okay but it was such a blur and i was so scared. i think the lines came out okay but i might have been kinda boring. i'm not sure. but now i know what these auditions are like and i'm learning. i didn't get the part. they gave it to some asian girl. whatever. i haven't really had an audtion lately but i need to start applying to jobs on mandy. i think the reason i haven't is because i'll have to take time off work and is it really worth it to take time off for independant films? i'm not so sure. but i did apply to one that i think mark did too. i would love to work with him again.

so work. i am so tired of it. i feel so drained and i hate it. i feel bad though because as far as jobs go its pretty easy but i have being a slave. i feel like the misc. girl. whatever odd jobs need to be done just ask me. whatever. i don't know what i can do about that though. i'd love to quit though but i'm trying to pay off my credit cards. i payed of bay, sears, AMEX and i'm starting to pay off the VISA and MC. i also need to pay off the future shop card but the money hasn't come in for the coins yet. so annoying.

a minor setback is that i'm planning a trip with (m). i think we are going to go to cuba. its pretty cheap. i'm really excited. i wonder what it will be like going away together. i really hope that we dont fight. but it will be really nice to spend the night together and get ready together and do that couply stuff. i still need to talk that over with michael. i hope that he doesn't freak out. but whatever i need to stand up for myself. i also need to talk about the long weekend of dad's birthday.

shit i don't know what to do i WANT to go to the cottage but i SHOULD stay and celebrate my dads birthday. ugh. what can i do though.

okay on the looooooooove front... everything is A-OK.

this weekend was really nice. on friday (march 18) he just showed up at my house and he wanted to hang out. we put up my window coverings and we put up stars on my ceiling. then we turned out all the lights and we kissed in the blackness. it was tres romantic. after we went to coles and hung out with bob and watched the spongebob movie. cole was really funny because he was freaking out and pressing himself on to the freezer. (b) made me laugh hard though. the (m) and i went home.

saterday (march 19) morning i woke up and i talked to Lewis. i decided to take the on camera class this session since (m) isn't taking scene study. i figured i might as well. i still need to talk to him about the fact that i wont be there for the first week. then (m) came to pick me up and we went to register for his hockey games. after that we went to kyles place and we waited for his sister and his friend. i don't know how i feel about her. i mean she can be really nice and sweet but theres this bitchy side to her too. but then again theres that in all of us. we drove to Hamilton for hotdogs. That was kinda fun, but it was weired because kyles friend was there, it kinda changes the dynamics of the situation. then me and the (m) went to his place we played crash and bond for a while and listened to these motivational tapes then we went to the keg for a bite. we played this hockey game with coins on the table for a long time. it always makes me laugh how we find these random things to do that keep us occupied for so long. then he dropped me off. i called him because i wanted to ask him if i could come over in the morning because i was meeting up with kosta. then we hung up and he called me back. its always cute when he calls me at night after we've spent the day together. i wonder why he calls... is he bored? does he miss me already? does he just like talking to me before bed... or is there absolutley  no reason why he does it. either way i love it because i would do that too... only the thing is my past has made me so paranoid. i don't want to do anything wrong which makes me not do things that i would usually do.

sunday (march 20) morning i woke up bright and early and met kosta. i couldn't believe how fat and ugly he got. i mean the guy looked like a total slob. i felt horrible that he aged so much he looks older than the 22 years that he has. the guy used to be so good looking. makes me laugh - that could have been my husband!! ahhhhhh!! anyway i get a text from mark and he says that hes going back to bed and that his parents are still sleeping. i think that was his way of telling me not to come over. so i didn't. i went to fairview and walked around. i really liked it, like they were saying in the tapes it's important to have quiet time to think and reflect. so i walked around the mall and i bought a couple of cute tops and then i returned some other stuff. then i get a text from mark asking me what i was doing. i called him and i told him about my day and i asked him if he wanted to see robots. he said he would come down and then he said that the house was empty. so i went over to his place. he answered the door naked and the we went to take rocky for a walk. then we went back to his place and we were brushing our teeth. it was cute getting ready together. then we had a really really nice morning together. i wanted so badly to tell him that i love him more that the world. i wanted him so badly to feel the same way. so i just kept quiet. not a word. but the silence was sweet. the way he holds me close and strokes my back and the way he touches my neck. its blissful.

we spent the rest of the day working on CDs for jeremys birthday. we played crash and i beat his ass nice for 3/4 cups. then we talked about publicity for us. we have also talked about leaving canada. hopefully we can do it together. we came up with mostly illegal ideas for what we can do for publicity. it was kinda funny. his mom cooked dinner and we ate as a family. i don't even think they know what that means to me. but then i get my hopes up that one day i will have a family like that. then he played max payne while i napped and he watched carnilvale. its cute when he touches me while i nap he rubs my leg. thats something i would do. i'd just want to touch him and know he's there. i heard him yelling a rocky for a bit which was kinda cute. he drove me home and we chatted in the car a little while. i wanted to tell him again but as always i held back. i hate it. i hate keeping this in. it feels like the time when i wanted to tell him my age and it was like this thing hanging over me. i want to be free and just express myself and let it out. i never though holding in something like this could be so hard. but then i tell myself that if it goes badly its SO not worth it. what if he doen't love me back? what if i just freak him out and he realizes that he's in a relationship and jumps. what if its just too much for him. somehow deep inside of me i dont think that  he will do any of those things but you never know really. so i will keep my feelings tucked away until either i can't hold it in any longer or i know he is ready to hear it. mark, i love you so so so much. i wish i didn't have to say it hear. but then again i'm not ready to hear that he doen't love me back so this is safer. but who ever got what they wanted on safer.

So last weekend was something else. (march11) on Friday i had a commercial audition and they needed hot girls. so i dressed up nice and sexy and i went to my audition. i called mark after and he said that he was going out with the boys. and thats fine and i totally want him to spend time with his friends because he does spend alot of time with me and i'd like him to miss me rather then get sick of me! anyway my only 'issue' per say is that i need to have my own friends because the idea that he can dictate when and when i can't come out bugs the shit out of me. i love his friends i really do but its hard sometimes. and the thing is all my friends are guys anyway and i know what thats like so i don't want to put mark out like that. so i had dinner plans with kyle at hemmingways. i stopped by my agents place and we chatted for a little bit. i didn't see amanda there but it looked good that i had come by but i was really there because mark wanted me to drop his demo off.  anyway i went to hemmingways and kyle and i had a few drinks. it was really nice actually. then we went up to the bar and we saw Alenka. she was really happy to see me and she kept complementing me. i really like her. apparently she has a boyfriend now and they already said i love you. two weeks. okay like wtf is wrong with me then....!!?!?! then her manager wanted to talk to me about taking pictures. which then lead to him bringing me over to this group of old guys. UGH. Well here was my delimma, apparently they were these producers and the seems to have all the props and contacts but something just felt off. but i kept telling myself that if this is my dream i would stick it out here. so many times i wanted to run and hide. i was so bored and i didn't like being fake. i called kyle over and he called his bluff pretty quick. one of those guys loved me to pieces. he kept asking about my boyfriend and i thought that it was quite innapropriate. i need to learn how to kick some ass. anyway i was totally hammered that night. I spoke to mark and he said that he was going to some club with the guys and i told him to have a good night and i told him what i was up to. it was a nice test to see me and him out in separate places we got along really well and no one had a fit. but i ended up calling him like 7 times. i don't even remember doing that. i called him to ask him if he could pick me up and he said yes. (s) and her boyfriend joey came too and it was soooo great to see them. i was totally hammered and we chatted about how much we missed eachother.

then mark showed up. i swear i had never seen him look so gorgeous. he was breathtaking and in my drunken stouper i was thrilled to see him. i kissed stevie goodbye and we left. i just remember lying in marks lap in the back of the car and cole was asking me questions. i wasn't sure exactly when he asked me. i wish i knew. i know he asked me if i love mark and i think he pulled coles hair. cole seemed suprised that we hadn't said it yet. that made me not so sure what to do. then i went home. i couldn't find my keys which was scary because how was i gonna get past my dad?! well i got in and passes out. i got a message from mark asking me if i got in okay. it was nice but i was annoyed that he was just going to leave me there.

i woke up in the morning (march 12) and i felt like i was in HELL!!!! oh god never again.... it hurt so much. i don't want to ever go through that again. i swear i need to learn my lesson. its been a long while since i was drunk i must have forgotton. the next day mark came and picked me up and we rented ladder 49 and watched it at his house, he was hitting his head so he didn't fall asleep it was really cute. then we went back to his place and kyle invited us over for dinner and a movie to his place in mississauga. mark and i agreed to go and we got in the car and there was a blizzard. it was a good drive because he told me all about his exs and he explained the amanda story and the kathryn story. he also told me that it was like one big circle the way things got gossipy with me and kyle. i think kyle must have been talking to mark about me. i'm really trying not to talk about things like that with kyle anymore. i dont trust him and further more he talks about me and mark with (s). we talked about how we first met, which is always really funny to think about. then we went to kyles and we rented ELF and we made some dinner. i thought my food was off so i gave it to mark who ended up getting food poisoning from it. hahaha. then i fell asleep there as usual.

Sunday (march 13) was strange. i didn't see mark and i was feeling a bit off. he went for breakfast with his dad and then just hung around his place. he has been feeling really anxious lately he says. i think its because he's 27 and still living at home and his career isn't going the way he'd like it to. but when he talks about it its usually very quick.

Monday (march 14) i went to work and i decieded that i wanted to do something nice for mark. i wanted him to know that he could talk to me about anything and everything. so i went and i got him a card and wrote him a little note. i wanted to drop it off that night but i didn't. we chatted on the phone and i watched some carnivale. i'm not sure how i feel about that show yet. afterwards i fell asleep and i got a call from mark saying that he had talked to kyle about his anxiety problems. i was a little jelous that he had gone to kyle but i was pleased that at least he was talking to me about it. he asked me if i had ever been to see a therapist and i told him the truth about what i had done. i also don't think he realizes that i am anxious every minoute of everyday. well except when i'm with him that is, and even sometimes i am. so i tried to talk about it with him and then we went to bed.

March 15 Tuesday, i woke up early and i went to Marks house to drop off the card. except i saw his dad walking rocky!! i paniced and i looked for a mailbox quickly but i couldn't find anything, i was so scared that he'd see me and wonder what the hell i was doing there so early. so to my dissapointment i left card in hand. i got to work and decided to have a city courier drop it off. at around 12:30 mark called saying that he had gotten the card. he seemed really appriciative of it and told me how sweet it was. we talked breifly and then i went home. i had to go and drop off carnivale so i told him i was going and he offered to take me, we went back to his place and watched blind justice and hung out. afterwards he took me home.

Wednesday (march 16) i decided that i wasn't going to call him from work. not to be spiteful, but to see if he'd call me and i figure if he didn't then he didn't want to talk to me. so sure enough the day goes by and i don't hear from him. when i got home i logged on msn and he was like where have you been all my life? lol and then he said that i was the one call he could count on and it never came... i think he refered to it as his daily phonecall. it was really sweet. we ended up chatting for like 5 hours on the phone it was really nice. Then alias came on and we chatted afterwards for a while. i need to start using my time after work a little better though. there's so much that i need to take care of that i don't.

Thursday (march 17) mark did the cutest thing. he called me wondering if i wanted to have lunch with him. i would have except i had a meeting all day and i was at the walk in. he went to his audition and then he parked outside of my work. when i was done we went to my agent because he wanted to replace the demo that i had given to Erica. we chatted with her for a while and then we went to get some meat to cook for dinner. we had steak which was really yummy and then we hung around his place and watched t.v.

GOALS:

wake up early and get ready slowly. think about my day and prepare things that need to be done.

keep writing in my journal consistantly.

don't buy anything. except the nine west shoes?

make lists and make use of after work time better.

random thoughts...