dreaming of hollywood

On friday i was having a pretty good day at work, not a whole lot to complain about. i went home after work and i though maybe (m) and i would get together. (m) has been in a bit of a mood lately because of all the agent stuff going on. i think its actually just the icing on the cake. he's frustrated overall i think with his life. anyway he was in a bit of a crusty mood for most of the night and then his sister and neice came into town so he was in for the night. although this was not a new revelation i was hit with the realization that i live in the middle of nowhere and having no car sucks. without (m) i have no way of getting anywhere. i was kinda itching to go to system to see DH but alas no way of getting there.

Saterday morning started a bit better, (m) and i decided that we would go shopping and then his sisters and dan and dan's brother were meeting up for lunch. we were orignially going to to eat at Yorkdale but the line was too long so we went to the pickle barrell at yonge and eg. holy cow what a production.

first of all (M) sister (k) is crazy. she is simply crazy. well maybe not crazy but she definatley has a warped reality. she rides on this high horse of hers and makes the biggest deal of things that don't really matter. i mean i like her a lot i really do though. so we get there and we order and first the drinks took forever and then there was no cutlery. and then when the food came, karen had a fit that the cheese was processed. like a total fit, like a child. so she sent it back and the manager came out and said that that they didn't have real cheese at the pickle barrell. okay well that was wierd. then she throws a fit that mark doesn't care where her car is parked and starts calling him selfish. i'm telling you, something just isn't right there. anyway mark took me home and then he headed out to have passover dinner at his mamas. he called me a after dinner to check up on me. i cleaned my room. i realized i had gotton lazy with finishing my room but i did a good job at cleaning it up. mark came over after his mamas and we had the most amazing night. (c) called and (m) told him that he was hanging out with me tonight which was sooooooo cool. he totally got points for that. we watched motercycle diaries togeteher which was a really nice movie and then we spent the night just hanging out together. i had candles going and when we turned the fan on it made the smoke detector go off.... i think this night was particularly special because i could see in so many ways that (m) cares for me, the way he kisses me the way he holds me and rubs my arm. i am not taking him for granted for one moment, i am so grateful and thankful to have someone care for me like that.

Sunday was passover dinner so i woke up bright and early to go to fairview to get something to wear. i finally found somthing suitable and i headed home. i also had a script to memorize for an audition on monday. i suprisingy didn't have trouble memorizing the lines but i had a terrible headache so i slept before i went to (m) for dinner. he came to pick me up and then we went to passover headquarters to pick up something for his mom. luckily i came across this store Chapmans which sells nice cookies and such for passover. so i picked up some stuff and was on my way. when we got there everyone was already there and it was my first time seeing lia. how cute! she truly is the cutest baby i've ever seen. simply adorable. we sat around for a bit and then we went to the table. it was really really nice. they said these prayers and sang these songs and they told the passover story called the hagadah. the food was soooooo good and there was sooo much of it. marks mom packed some food for my mom. after dinner mark was told to drive the help home. on the way back he thanked me for coming and told me that he was really glad that i was there and i told him that i was really happy to be there. he then started to tell me that because of his last relationship his was kinda scarred and now has trouble expressing how he feels about me and he said that he doesn't want me to think that he doesn't have strong feeling for me because he does. i think at that moment i was just so taken back and so effected by what he was saying i just got really choked up and didn't know what to say. i don't think i really even let him finish. i suppose i had got what i wanted finally that i didn't know what to do. i didn't even tell him how much i love him. not that i really would have anyway because now i'm really unsure what strong feelings mean....but i don't think that means love. so now i have to gather up the balls to tell him something.

Monday i had an the audition for the iron mask movie, it was a little freaky because when i had my reading with anne she told me that i would come across a script that has to do with pyramids or egypt and when i saw this script it wasn't egyption but it was pyramid like. so i went to shanghai cowgirl and has some food and looked over the script. when i thought i couldn't memorize anymore and i was also feeling like a bag of ass i headed over to the audition. anyway the part that i read for went okay, i wasn't thrilled with it but then they asked me to read for another small part, and i did and they said that i nailed it. the producer asked me to say hello to amanda. i'm feeling really great about my agent choice now. it seems like everywhere i go they always comment on how great she is. sweeeeeeeet action.

by tuesday i was feeling like complete ass, i called in sick in the morning and then i got a call from erica. she told me that the producer called amanda to say how wonderful i am and asked why i wasn't union yet? apparently his daughter is also with amanda. i also had an audtion call for degressi on wednesday. so i basically spent the entire day trying to sleep off my cold. it was brutal. on wednesday i called in sick again and slept in and started getting ready. (m) was starting to be in a bad mood but he did agree to take me to my audition. he picked me up and i went into the studios. i did my audition but it was really bad. i am really dissapointed in myself. this would have been an amazinf oppertunity but i can't be too hard on myself i really was sick. i need to learn how to control my nerves. after the audtion i went home and changed before mark and i headed to his hockey game. the games are a perfect length, i was throughly entertained. it gives me a good time to think and relax.

yesterday was a wierd day, i came into work and that was fine i had to leave early to go to a commercial audition. i called mark and he had gone to the doctors to get his ears flushed and then he had an appointment with his agent. i hadn't heard from him so i called him around 2:00 or so, he didn't seem like he was in the mood to be talking. i understood he must have been nervous. i asked him to call me afterwards but of course he didn't. i went to my audition, which i thought went really well. i called mark right after to ask how his meeting went. well he was at home just chillin and he told me that his agent had dropped him sorta, basically he said that they weren't getting him the spots he wanted and that they would still represent him but that it might be in his best interest to start looking for new representation. so i think he had gone to a few more agencys and hope and prey that someone takes him on. when i called him he didn't seem interested in sharing with me. i spent my bus ride home talking to stevie. she always seems to make me feel great because she thinks we're soooo much better then everyone...lol... plus she always has soooo much more drama that i do that listening to her makes me laugh. when i got home mark called and he was out with (c) and (b) he asked if i wanted to come to their place to eat chinese. so (m) came and got me. he was driving like a bit of a nut so when he was getting gas i took his keys. he jumped back in the car and he went to peel out of the lot but there were no keys. at least i was able to make him laugh. we started to talk in the car and somehow it turned into a convo about me and my parents.. but (m) is in a unstable place right now, i don't know what i can do. i see this anxiety and i know where his issues stem from but there really is NOTHING that i can do. his delemma his the exact situation that i'm trying to avoid. now the thing is i learned that i have put my foot in my mouth big time. i need to set some rules in dealing with him....

1. i have to stop talking about my acting career. i can't tell him about auditions or feedback or anything postive thats happening to me.

2. i can't talk about my fears of what could happen to my career here because he's living my worst case senario.

3. stay out of his way. don't call too much don't bug him, if he wants to talk let him talk otherwise just leave him alone.

4. be positive, brainstorm with him, provide encouragement.

5. do not take his mood personally. even though the things he says truly do hurt sometimes i have to just brush it off and be extra sweet. ignore his banter.

we had dinner at c's place and oddly (m) wanted to smoke before we got there. i didn't partake. (m) told me prior that he was going to, perhaps this is him acting out, trying to relax, i dunno.... we went to grab a movie which we didn't end up getting anyway, and then i got my starbucks and we went back to coles, i went to say something to mark about his agent and you could tell that he was not interested in talking about it. so thats when i realized that i need to shut up about it already. he's not opening up and foring him to isn't going to make it better so i should just leave well enough alone. anyway he went to smoke and i didn't. maybe i did it to lash out. i think i did. i know that he won't have as much fun if i don't smoke but he makes it such a matter of fact that i can do what i want but hes doing this! grrr flex those man muscles!! *insert rolling eyes here* plus i'm already highly emotional and sensitive i didn't want to do anything that would agrivate that. you could tell that he wasn't sure about me being sober. he was like this is wierd but i settled into in well and just relaxed. i think that i might not partake for a while, it was kinda fun having that control when they were all baked. we started to watch the cable guy and he fell asleep on me. it was so sweet. i swear to me he's breathtaking. every inch of him makes me gush. i kept checking to see if c and b were watching me because i just kept staring at him. i love these little line right around his eyes. but stupid me went and said something to him about his wrinkles and obviously being sensitive he took it personally. finally at about 2:00 in the morning i told him it was time to go and he took me home. i think during his hour long nap and me watching him i learned somethings or perhaps put some things into perpective.

i never realized how much hurt i'm hiding inside of me. when i thought about how much i love him, the way i look at him with this longing. when i look over and i see c and b lying together and so in love, i feel like crying. and what twists the knife, is why can richard be in the most perfect relationship ever and have found that bliss of true love and he doesn't even deserve it. he's a selfish arrogant asshole who has done nothing but lie hurt cheat and manipulate everyone in his life and he gets love like that? he already won the lottery once when i loved him, i gave him everything. but twice? now he has a girl who loves him even more that i did? what's wrong with me? when will i be enough? what more can i do to earn someones love the way i love? i don't just want 'someone' to love me. i want the person that i'm madly in love with to love me back with the same passion.

and i wait patiently for that day. i know that mark is different, i know that part of learning to love again involves healing, and i see it in him. i know that the steps he has taken to get where we are are leaps and bounds from where he was once. so i will wait loving him, hoping that one day he will love me too. perhaps my patience will come back to reward me. but i'm just realizing that maybe i AM willing to accept that he may never love me. i thought i was stronger than that....

anyway tonight i am going to meet elle and talk about the new script that she is working on for the summer. i don't know if i will be able to do it or not, but its good to keep in contact.