7 months
05.16.05 (6:56 pm) [edit]i wonder if sometimes silence can be harmful. when something needs to be said and its not does there come a time when the window of oppertunity escapes you.
today i'm feeling really alive. life is in rich colour full of emotion. a realization that there is so much in this life so much oppertunity. at my age im just starting my life and so many choices and possibilties its scary. but i dont think that fear should be previlent i think excitment of the unknown would be more fitting.
today is may 16. there are 76 days until our 1 year anneversary. one year. if i don't tell him i love him before that i will be very dissapointed. because how can you spend a year with me and not fall in love. i am so in love with him. he's the one. i know it. i could marry him and know we'd make it for a lifetime. but does he know it? does he want us to be forever as much as i do? i don't know.
i got a callback for an audtion i did for a tv show. it shoots in new zealand. so yeah, that means 7 months in new zealand. imagine. that would be a dream come true. i would love that... but the only thing i love more that acting is mark. and i love having him there to share in all our experiences and would it be the same not having him there to hold and to cuddle and to love. no it wouldn't.
you giant tool...
05.06.05 (6:17 am) [edit]UgggGGAAGAHHHHHH!!!
i'm soooooooooo annoyed right now. i could scream.
So. yesterday was a perfectly lovely day. the weather was nice, work was nice and slow. i had pizza hut for lunch and i bought a new top from aritiza. I had this audition to go to. it was for dentyne and i knew that i had to make out with someone. and like not just make out with someone but like get downright dirty and roll around on the floor. so i told mark and of course neither of us was really pleased. i kept thinking about that gross guy at the coke commercial. *shudder*
so i told mark to call talent house and get Paren to get him an audition. He called and she didn't help any. she said that she has already submitted him and that was that. i told him that at 4:35 he would come through for me. i knew it. So mark got a new agent, he actually applied at mark preston who i had applied to. anyway he went to his office and he told him how his girlfriend was auditioning this commercial yadda yadda and his agent picked up the phone and called powerhouse and got him in. so mark called me and i was thrilled!! THRILLED!!
So we got to the casting place and we read the breakdown. holy crap, it was so racy! it was like full on hot and heavy. we went in and we did it twice. it was insane. i could not imagine doing that with someone i didn't know. even more so i couldn't imagine mark doing that with someone other than me.
so after that we went to meet c and b at this Chinese malls to gey DVDs for marks parents. then we went and got a little cake for marks mom and i brought her a card. we all sat around and sang and ate cake. marks mom and i ended up talking for a very long time and i was sharing all my stories with her. it was nice to have someone to talk to who really listens. it was a little awkward having mark and his dad sitting right there but i think mark really enjoyed seeing me and his mom get along so well. afterwards she hugged me and told me that i was a sweet girl and that she likes me alot. she went to her room and then she came out and invited me to come over for lunch on mothers day because it was also her moms 82 birthday. i thanked her and i told her that i would love to come. i felt really great. then mark and i hung out in his room for a while and then we went to meet c and b for bubble tea.
It all went downhill from here. cole and i simply do not get along. and the thing is i try...... god knows i try so hard because i love mark so much i know how important it is to him that we get along that even when i know cole doesn't care i will make the effort. but last night felt like the last straw. it started with cole rating girls in front of becky. and he was saying all these ugly girls are hot and i tried to make a point that how can you even compare them to his wife. i know that the way that i was saying it came out totally wrong. but then he started to rate his wife! i was disgusted, absolutely disgusted. and when he started talking about it i was just very unsettled by that and i asked him to drop the topic and he wouldn't. he just wouldn't drop it and he was saying all these inappropriate things that were pushing my buttons further. and he kept speaking for Mark and trying to get him in on this with him. and then the bomb dropped, mark joined in with him and he started rating me. he reduced me to a number. i felt repulsed by him. i wanted to pick up and leave so badly. i was soooooo hurt that he didn't help me out and sickened that he joined in coles retardation. and with cole constantly harping on the issue i was fighting back the tears. when we left and went to marks car i thought about what had happened and it made me really sad, so many times i thought i wouldn't be able to contain my tears. i got home left the car and just started to cry. it wasn't about the actual thing that he said it was the big picture. if i'm going to put up with his friend treating me like shit then he should at least give me back up when i need it. i'm totally frustrated and exhausted from cole. if i make the choice to see less of cole, i'm making the choice to see less of mark. i'll be letting him down and i don't want to do that but i feel like i have to.
when i got home i called stevie and i cried to her. i told her about my day and we chatted. i was so thankful to have her there to listen to me. she was appalled, she said she would have dumped him right there. LOL the funny part is that she had a point. not that i would break up with mark, but i should have said something right then and there. i went to bed still pretty upset and now i'm at work. we're supposed to see kyle tonight. i think i'm going to hang out with him more.