canada day long weekend...
06.30.05 (7:01 am) [edit]okay so here's the deal... cole goes to the cottage almost every weekend and this weekend is his birthday weekend. so naturally he has invited mark up... when by default includes me.
i really don't enjoy spending long periods of time with cole. he's just really annoying, he's not a bed person its just he's got the mentality of a 12 year old, he is very childish, jealous, competitive and incredibly narcissistic. he's a very difficult person to be around. sometimes it can be a neutral situation where we get on okay and things are well enough but spending time with him never adds anything positive, there is never any gain to be around him. i wish i didn't feel this way but i do. the last time we went to the cottage which was a few weeks ago i was having a very difficult time dealing with him. he has a negative effect on me... i don't like the person i become when i am around him. i feel like i'm always on the defensive, even though i know his thoughts on me are completely off base i end up feeling like a bitch. every single time we have gone to the cottage i have come home and felt like a huge bag of ass. one time i was on the verge of tears the whole ride home and there was no explanation for it. it's very hard to explain this to mark and i don't really expect anyone to understand.
the thing is i am what i am. i don't like roughing it the way they do. i love nature and the outdoors but i don't like swimming in a ses pool of a lake. the cottage is falling apart and is covered in bugs. its not even clean. the beds are disgusting are 1000 years old and have period stains on them for christs sake. everyone else can shrug and say, 'its no big deal'. but to me, it is a big deal. i'm all for cottaging but a comfortable sleeping, dining and relaxing area is important to me. everyone's enjoyment of cottaging is different. for mark, he like swimming and water-sports, hanging out outside being by the lake. same for cole and i think for becky she likes being outside and cooking and watching movies. for me i like cottaging to get away from the city, read a book or a magazine, listen to music, paint my nails, take a nap.... i really like to relax because i don't do that in the city. at night i like to have a fire and watch the stars and being away is a chance to spend the night with mark which is very important to me. so you see for ME having a comfortable indoor environment is just as important as having a lake is to mark. and while the boys are off doing their thing i am perfectly content doing my alone stuff. i am very comfortable being alone, if i don't want to do what someone else is doing i do my own thing. this is something that i am actually very proud about but cole doesn't seem to understand this and makes me feel bad about being this way.
he says that i'm a snob because i wont swim in the lake. i'm a snob because i bring up nice clothes, make-up and my flat iron. LOL i KNOW this is a bit strange... but this is me!! how long has he known me now? just accept the fact that when i look like shit, i feel like shit... so i avoid looking like shit. its not necessary to point out what a pretentious snob i am every single time. i'm a snob because i bring a truckload of bedding up. i'm a snob because i go in the bedroom and do stuff alone. there's nothing wrong, i'm not hiding, i'm not mad. it's just that the rest of the cottage is a piece of crap and we've made the bedroom comfortable and livable so naturally if i want somewhere to veg i'm going to go in there. DEAL WITH IT. i know all these things about me yet i am still effected by him. i'm waiting for him to realize that i'm in the room and then come bursting in the door complain about how comfortable the room is, how hot it is and ask why i'm in there. can you imagine the anxiety this causes?? last time mark was absolutely amazing with this he'd help keep cole away and was incredibly understanding about this. i am very grateful for this and i know that its important to mark that i have a good time and he tries his best to help that happen.
now to be fair i'm going to turn the tables. when you go to the cottage you are going as a group. you are going to do things as a group. you go grocery shopping and decide on meals as a group. and most of the night time and evening activities will be group activities. having a fire, hanging with bob, BBQing, cards etc... this is the area where i am the one with the difficulty. i think that i am sometimes so used to doing things myself or just me and mark that i forget how to be part of a group. its something very foreign to me. this means not always doing exactly what you want to do, sharing, compromising, basically being a good sport. so at night when they want to play cards (god help me i hate cards!!!LOL) i just need to suck it up and go with the flow. i have to realize that its just a weekend and its not the end of the world if i'm spending a few hours doing something i wouldn't have picked myself. and i'm sure that it's important to mark that i participate and for that i should at least give him that. i see all the little ways he tries for me so i should try for him. i want him to have a good time and not have to worry about if i'm happy.
i guess because in the city i am very easy going, go with the flow kinda person that when i turn into this person that is so difficult to please i am embarrassed.
Which brings be to the issue at hand...
for cole's b-day weekend he has invited mark and me, chris, neil and his stepmother. he also invited his sister but i don't think she is coming. there are three rooms in the house and a cabin. so basically cole and becky in one room, his step mom in another, and neil and chris...LOL... in another. which means me and mark in the cabin. mark says that cole cleaned it out, cole says its okay but again coles standard of okay and mine are likely very different. this freaks me right out, if i don't feel comfortable with where i'm sleeping (i.e BUGS) i will be miserable.
now here's the other thing chris and neil are up. i really like chris. and neil... well he's okay nice enough but i don't really know him all that well. here's my theory on dynamics. when its me and mark and cole and becky its pretty even. i spend lots of time with mark and mark gets to spend lots of time with cole and me and becky mingle a little and everyone's happy. you can act like couples and no one gives a shit. you add chris to the mix. okay so now you have the three guys... which means more time doing guy stuff and becky and i are a little less involved. add neil, now you have 4 guys doing guy stuff and becky and i are even more removed. what i think is being forgotten is that chris and neil are not our (me and beckys) friends. its not the same as if it were say, kyle. so essentially it's four guys two who have brought their wife/gf. and becky and i aren't close enough yet to really be comfortable just the two of us. although i have to say i think its finally happening, i actually look forward to talking to her and we talk about more stuff then just mundane bullshit. but i just don't understand why not make it a guys weekend?? then they don't have to worry about us. at least one person other than mark that i might have my own independent friendship with might be nice... but i'm optimistic that becky and i are working on that. (i hope she's not still worried that we're going be like annie and anita because i don't think it takes more than a glance to realize we're noting like them) and then add his step-mom....what is that??? sorry, she's a lovely woman, but i'm just not into going away with someone's parent. not comfortable! hey and i just realized she'll probably want to spend time with becky... maaaaan....
I feel like i'm making an issue out of absolutely EVERYTHING. probably because i am. and i feel like a giant asshole for this. i feel really crappy that mark has to deal with me acting like this. i'm sure he wishes that i was more easy going about this and god i wish i was too...
Okay so i need to RELAX and look at the facts.
it my boyfriend's best friend's birthday weekend. this particular weekend's activities do not appeal to me and yes i do not want to go. BUT it means alot to mark that i go and he doesn't want to go without me. ITS JUST A WEEKEND. and mark has a point, i could be surprised and i might enjoy myself. it's not like i'm going to have a BAD time, its just not something that i would have chosen to do myself. and the only really bad part is the sleeping thing, if the cabin is a piece of crap, so what! I'll sleep in the car, no big deal right! AND i know becky has some reservations about raina and i want her to feel comfortable. and when i start the movie i probably wont have many weekends available and if a time comes when i just don't feel like it i'm sure mark will understand. i'ts all give and take, so this is my turn to give.
As far as cole goes i will have to make an affirmation for the weekend. i will let it go. i will not let him effect me. i am beyond it. Another thing is that mark had a talk with him about his negativity and the way he treats people. and he seems receptive to the talk. mark and i have both noticed changes and effort on his part which is positive. i am optimistic that cole will continue that this weekend.
I'm looking foward to the car rides, i always enjoy driving with mark. hopefully spending the night will be enjoyable. i will go on long walks and maybe tan a little. i'll watch the stars and enjoy the fire.
movies, lonliness and i love yous...
06.26.05 (2:43 pm) [edit]i'm not sure why exactly i haven't written in here latley.. but i thought i might as well update the things that have happened latley...
1) it happened. i told him i love him!! can i just say RELIEF!! i don't know the exact day but i remember the time so well. i had gotton it into my head that i had to say it. and the anxiety and nerves and energy i had built up preparing for it i couln't not do it. it was no perfect time or perfect moment, its just something that i knew i had to do because i didn't think he was going to do it, not knowing if he flet the same way or not i just needed him to know. we had been hanging out and his place and we were lying in bed together. he was sleeping and i just watched him sleep, looking at how pefect he is to me. my heart was pounding a mile a minute i gulped every time i swallowed. in my head i went over a million times how i would say it. how the moment would be. what he might say... he woke up and changed spots and started to watch t.v. my window of oppertunity was slowing closing...he got up and i grabbed his arm and pulled him towards me asking him to come here. he rested hiself on me... and then i said, 'i could tell you anything right?' and i thnk with scared puppy dog eyes looked at him for approval. he said 'of course' in the most comforting way... and i took a deep breath and said... 'i um.. i um...' i could hardly breathe i got caught up in the whole 'is this really happening' thought... and then i just let go.... and the words came out... ' am completlet in love with you' and that was it. it was out. i felt this wave of relief comeover me... and a void too.... so now what? and then he leaned over me and said 'i love you to sweetie' and he kissed me. i was thrilled extatic overjoyed!! i think i said 'you do??' and he said yes. he said that he was suprised that i had said it first. he thought that i was waiting fot him to say it. (which i had been for about 9 freeking months!!) and i told him that i was but that i couldn't keep it in any longer. he said that i wouldn't have had to wait too much longer as he was waiting for the right moment. i felt a little bad, like maybe i had ruined his plans but i think its good that he was able to see me take such a brave step in the advancement of our relationship that maybe when its time to take another step he will feel safe to take the initiative. i was so happy.... we lay there and snuggled and kissed and i told him that he makes me so happy... he asked me why i was being so open. i don't even know i guess i thought that once i had said that that all my reservations about telling him how i felt about him would dissapear. he said that he has problems saying it that its hard for him to express himself. so i had to prepare for an audition.... for the one in new zealand. i had to prepare this martial arts thing... we went into his backyard and he taught me a routine. the whole time i was wondering how this moment would effect the moments to come. all i knew was that i had achieved another goal. there aren't alot of things that i really really really want.... but love is one of them and mark's love was something i had wanted for a very long time. it would seem as though the things that i want in life cannot be earned or bought or even worked for. but some mysterious force has to decide that its my time for it. he took me home and when i kissed him goodbye we said it. it all seemed so bumbly and new. like two people kissing for the first time. it was all very romantic. and that was my 'i love you moment'
so now for the conclusion of the very romantic story.... over the next couple of weeks i went into some serious regret of my desision. i realized that i may have rocked the boat a little bit. i know he does love me. that i knew i know and there was no doubt. but his abilty to express that may have come a bit forced. i thought perhaps i should have let him do it. sometimes i would i say it and he wouldn't say anything at all...
the weekend right after was may 24 weekend. we had promised kyle that we would join him. i wasn't sure that was what i wanted to do but i did know that it would be nice to spend a weekend with mark away.
2) May 24 weekend away with kyle. so we packed up all our stuff i had an audtion that day and i came home packed up my stuff and then mark came to get me after he finished teaching we went to his house and we packed my stuff and his stuff into the car, we then went to kyles where i was supposed to stay while mark went to his mamas for dinner. when we got there the place was absolutley disgusting.... nasty i felt like i was going to barf all over the place. i then decided to walk to yonge and eg area because something happened to his mamas teeth and he thought the he might be able to leave early. i walked all the way there and then he called and said that he couldn't get out early, i have to say i was having flashbacks of what happened with kostas family.. but i knew that this isn't nearly the same. i went and grabbed a bite at pizza pizza and then i headed over to starbucks. mark asked me to walk over to his mamas. i don't think he realized that i really don't want to go somewhere that i'm not welcome. but for him i did it and i went to say hello to his mama and his aunts they are very nice to me. and then we hit the road. we grabbed kyle and when he came out it was just like old times... we listened to some tunes and talked and mark and i argued a little bit. he said something to me about judaism and he said that where did you read that in your humpty dumpty booked. OUCH!!!! and then i think i said something back in reference to his acting career and i think i really hit a spot. anyway we got back to the cottage and we drunk a little and hung out. kyle actually had to break into the cottage though the window because he had forgotton his keys.
3) i got the part. a couple of moths ago i auditioned for this role in a movie and i thought that just like everything else i didn't get it... but then my agent called and she told me that i actually booked the part. its a lead in a movie thats being produced by showcase. i can't believe that i actually have my first role!! when she told me i was so happy i thought i might cry..... i called mark right away and then i went to the office and i told michael. oh my god... for once they picked ME!!! Ahahahhahahahaha lalalalalala!! its so hard to believe. its hardly paying anything but its an incredible oppertunity. i think the producer of one of the shows here in toronto is working on this project. hopefully he will want to work with me again. i'm really nervous about getting to do a whole movie!! thats insane. i did some more research on the actual project and it looks like its some sort of sequal to this wrestler zombie movie that was put out last year or the year before, all i know is that my acting skills probabley aren't that important.
i had three auditions for this tv show. i don't think i got it as they haven't called me back yet. i came so close though, i think it came down to me and another girl. but i really wanted it. i really really wanted it. it was the first time that i got a script that i was really excited about, it just sucks coming soooo close ya know!
anyway its hard too because i told mark about the movie and you can tell that he's happy for me but perhaps a little jelous and frustrated with the lack if movement in his career and my 'sucsess' iis well..... see we've always been in the same place.... at first he was waaaaay ahead of me and slowly i got my act together... and then we were at the same point... then i was just a fraction ahead because i get auditions for more leads.. but it doesnt mean anything if i don't get it... and now i have one big point for me... and he must feel preaure but i feel like i have to hide my excitement, its not his fault but i just felt crappy that he couldn't be more excited for me... the actual day i found out cole had planned a date with mark.... and he just left till 1 in the morning without saying bye or anything, i was so upset!!