favourite movie quote
07.23.05 (4:48 am) [edit]Do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? It doesn't actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should. When someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part says "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know. The light just never went on, you know. I must have known, of course, but I was too scared to see the truth. Then fear just makes you so stupid.
yuck.
07.19.05 (6:01 pm) [edit]today i feel like total shit.
like complete and utter crap. i feel like the ugliest girl on earth right now, fat and ugly. its horrible. think it might be because i stopped taking my pill, my hormones are all over the place. i am beginning to completley obsess about my weight now. i want to be perfect. i want to be skinny. i want there to be not one single flaw. i wish there was a way for this to happen fast. i need to start eating healthier. i learned how to purge, the key is plenty of water. i have yet to try it but i'm glad i know how. i have a problem that when i'm bery hungry all my logic takes over, i loose sight of my goal. and then i settle. i eat crap i shouldn't. its awful. i feel horrible. i need to drink lots and lots of water and eat lots of super healthy foods. i need to work out. i was thinking of ways to make my hunger go away.
all this feeling like shit has made me feel very insecure in my relationship. he is perfect, he has a perfect body and he loves that about himself. how can he be perfect and i be any less. it can't possibly be attractive. i need to get in the same shape as jessica simpson. i have to find a way, if i don't i am a complete failure. i can't even loose 20 lbs? i need to be at least 100lbs or under.
i have to have to have to do this.
so much for that...
07.17.05 (6:51 am) [edit]breakthrough.
well i don't know how to feel right now, but at least i got some honesty. last night we went for dessert and we started talking about getting a job. see right now he has no money and he has had no money for a while now. he just did a magic show and i'll be curious to see how he manages that money. well i asked him if was going to get a job and i was trying to help him come up with ideas and i guess i just kept offending him. i was trying so hard to fight back the tears.... he didn't want to hear it and i now know that its one topic i can't get into. but it seems rather important so its unfortuante really. he told me that its all or nothing with him and that if hes not doing what he loves then he doesn't want to do anything at all. and he says that this is the hell that he lives in and that he pity's me for being with him. what the fuck is that supposed to mean?
i don't just leave because he's going though something, i don't just leave because he has no money. i don't just leave because i don't know what to do. i love him, he's the person i want to spend my life with. i want to do so much with him, i want to get married, i want to have a house, i want to travel and explore and just do fantastic things with my life and i want him to be there with me. but he's basically telling me that he can't give me that. its strange though at first i felt to cry but then i was able to pull on that strength from inside and tell myself NO. Not again. i am not going to beg him. i am not going to make him want these things. if he wont pull his life together for me than that is his choice. i will do all these things on my own. i will not let anyone stop me, not again. i'm sad that things aren't the way i hoped they'd be and maybe i'm just not destined to have these things in my life.
i just can't believe this is happening to me again. i am dumbfounded, how could i possibly end up with someone in this situation not once... but twice! and when i first met him i was sure this was going to be different. i was sure that this was going to be better. its not about the fact he has no money, i don't care about that. its that he has no motivation to change his situation. i dont want to be the one that goes out to work each day while he stays home and plays video games. there is a difference between helping someone you love while they are down and being a crutch to a bad situation. sometimes i think the more i help him the less reason he has to do something about his life.
i think life is incredible.... there is soooo much to experience, so much to do, places to see.... i want to do it all. and i don't understand how he could want to just let it pass him by. doesn't he want to do all these things too? sure you have to work jobs you dont really want to do and for less money than you really want but thats life. and the rewards you reap from that are incredible.
pet peeve....
07.14.05 (5:38 pm) [edit]i figured it out. finally after one year (almost) i found the one thing about him that drives me fucking nuts.
for all the things i do for him, granted he doesn't ask me, he can't give me a fucking drive into work. i start work a 1/2 hour earlier than him and he can't just do it... for me, to be nice. he says he doesn't want to... of course he doesn't want to... but maybe to do something for me that would make me happy. driving me somewhere or picking me up is one thing that i truly truly appriciate...
i can't even describe the torture of the TTC. i honestly have the worst anxiety from it... i am in the worst mood ever when i get home because of the FUCKING HELL that i go through on the bus. i am so livid that i'm a total ass to my parents and i feel like ringing someones neck. thats 4 god damned hours of my life on a filthy disgusting bus/subway/streetcar with nasty people. right now it 35 degrees, even hotter it feels like. its in unhealthy and it feels hotter than hell.... i feel like crying i'm so hot, there is no breeze and i have trouble breathing, i get headaches and i feel fucking sick.... when i get home i need to sleep for at least an hour...
and all i'm asking is that he leave a 1/2 hour earlier than he planned to drive me... he could save me from all of that and i would truly be grateful for that kindness... but NO!!!! and he'll never do it. i don't ask him to drive me or pick me up from work. no. i don't ask him to take me places i want to go. i asked him the other day after the commercial shoot if he could pick me up from bayview and eglington... and he said NO! he 'had a long day'.
i realize that he drives everywhere we go together and he is always responsible for picking me up and dropping me off. and i am aware of that and grateful for it. i acknowledge that and in return i pay for gas sometimes and try to help out with things i can... and also if he didn't, well we'd hardly see eachother so i'd like to think he'd want to.
but other than that if i ask him to do something for me that is just for me, something to make me happy.... he can never fucking drive. today he was coming from an audition today and he was downtown and he couldn't even pick me up. instead he let me take the bus 2 fucking hours of HELL. and when i told him that he was like 'have fun'.
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!!? that pushed my button, i thought that was so arrogant. does he understand just how much i hate the TTC??? does he?? that and my day job cause me the most anxiety than anything else. its fucking disgusting.
now i don't mean to compare and i shouldn't (but i am). he is by far the most amazing person i know and he make me happier than anyone ever has. but in all my past relationships i would drive them to work if i could and pick them and they would do the same. if the weren't busy then they would drive me when they could. almost everyday... thats just something i would do for him. anytime.
so thats it i found my hot spot the thing that can set me off like a mad woman.
forky fork fork.....
07.08.05 (5:03 am) [edit]i am very uncomfortable with his interest in porn. not porn in general but teenege porn. its a major point of concern for me and when i stumble across it, it makes me very upset to the point where i need to hold back the tears. and the fact that he's thinking of being a highschool teacher really bothers me too.
the weekend away.... the verdict is in.
07.04.05 (2:21 am) [edit]unfuckingbelievable.
i'm not even sure where i should start. this weekend was truly an
experience. i think it had to happen to show myself how i really feel.
writing my last entry was incredibly helpful because i was able to
understand and really make sense of my feelings and ideas, and now after
having laid them out i am able to see what i was right about where and i was
wrong and the new experiences that have created new feelings and new ideas.
i'll start with what was GOOD.
GOOD. i loved driving down with mark. i really enjoy night driving, there is
something very peaceful and intimate about driving at night. our chats are
always very entertaining and interesting and we just babble about whatever.
this time we talked a bit about acting and being open to experiences and
about ghosts and stuff. i think it stated because i was telling him about my
desire to visit mental wards, prisons and haunted spots. i love sharing, its
so much fun learning about each other. these drives are so special to me for
that reason.
And now for the BAD.
Cole. I realized that he is my problem. remove him from the equation and you
have an entirely different scenario. when we were playing that ridiculous
judgment game mark said something that i totally disagree with. he said that
he the good thing about cole is of all the stupid shit he says he never
intentionally tries to hurt someone. i think this might be coles saving
grace with mark, but i think it is entirely untrue. i recall the moment i
realized this, i was telling my mom a while back that 'coles really annoying
but he doesn't mean to be.... blah blah... he just says blah blah' and i
realized what a total crock of shit i was actually saying to her!
Cole absolutely intends to cause hurt. he intends to cause pain, to offend,
put people down. whatever it takes to make himself look better, smarter,
more deserving. he absolutely intends to insult you; but what he does not
intend is to take responsibility for that action. he wants to hurt you but
for it not to be his fault. he'll pass the buck anyway he can - his
trademark being the 'you're so sensitive' remark. he thinks he tells it how
it is, when in fact he tells it as he wishes it were. a skewed narcissistic
view of the world.
i have confirmed the idea that cole is not a positive influence on my life.
i cannot think of any way that coles adds something of value to my life. he
is critical
what's even more aggravating is the way that he treats mark. i am obviously
very protective of mark and i take it personally when someone mistreats him.
cole is so disrespectful of him. he is incredibly jealous and critical of
him and makes no attempt to understand him. mark doesn't see how cole takes
pleasure in marks misfortunes and would resent him for his successes.
i do not see what cole brings to marks life and why he keeps his as a
friend. i asked mark today and he said that cole is like the brother that
you hate but love anyway. i have to respect that. cole and mark have shared
a friendship long long before i was in the picture and i don't have any
business trying to convince him not to be his friend. its very difficult
though to stand by and watch the person i love get treated like that. but
mark is a big boy and can make his own choices and i will support them -
even if i don't agree with them.
i can see clearly now why other people have been so hard on cole (i.e kyle,
kevin, tim...) because cole is malicious and really i don't have any
sympathy for him anymore.
we got to the cottage and chris and cole and becky were there and i think
that they were stoned. we chatted with them for a little while and got
settled. we made our bed and then we went into the living room to watch a
movie. we started to watch robots. i ended up getting really tired and i
went to lie down and ended up falling asleep early. which isn't really a
surprise to anyone. mark came to bed after the movie and he helped me get
ready for bed. the next morning we woke up and i had a bit of a hangover, i
was so hungry from not eating since lunch on tuesday. we got up and got
ready and cole had decided that he wanted to walk to get breakfast. i told
him that i wasn't feeling well and that i didn't want to. well too bad he
was walking and that was that. instead of just going with it and driving he
sent me mark and becky to drive and asked chris to walk with him. we ended
up driving to a diner that cole's neighbor raina had suggested. we got there
and we ordered our food and actually finished it. the food was okay but i
was thinking about that place we had gone to with the kick ass bread.
we all sat around outside watching the stars and the fire. i was quite
peaceful i was still huddled in my blanket and mark came to lie with me.
i noticed that cole had gained a huge amount of weight his stomach was huge.
that can't be healthy for him or good for his self-esteem. i said to mark
'coles so fat now' and he told me to be nice or that i was being mean -
something to that effect. i was fuming. i truly not saying it to be mean
(not that i really care at this point if it was) i was so shocked that he
had let himself go like that it was more of an observation more than
anything. i couldn't believe that that i was being called 'not nice' for all
the unacceptable things that cole has said to me, calling a fat person fat
doesn't seem that wrong. i was annoyed not only because he thought i was
being mean but that i couldn't say things like that to him. its sucks that i
have to censor myself, i don't want to have to be 'nice' all the time. if i
want to point out that someone gained weight i'm a little upset that i have
to worry if mark will think i'm being mean. its funny because at passover i
had pointed out that kevin t. had gained weight and mark totally agreed and
we saw it as a point of concern for his health. i don't see how that's any
different just because its cole. anyway i attempted to explain this to mark
because i thought that his remark was unwarranted but i he dismissed the
conversation as silly. GRRRR. at least hear me out and then ignore me!
ANYWHO.... that was the end of that. so neil suggested that we play a game
of truth or dare.
OH LORDY. i have no idea why but i did NOT want this to happen and i had a
feeling this was going to open a big can of worms. my very first thought was
great.... cole is purposely going to ask questions that would be
inappropriate or try and shit disturb. I was thinking that he would for sure
get some sort of anita related question in there. well the questions went
okay there were some funny ones and i started to relax. i was really trying
to be open to it and have a good time. and i was starting to, i was laughing
and a highlight was neil dancing by the fire. hahaha!!! i think the toughest
question to answer was name one thing i don't like i about mark. i answered
it honestly and I was trying to be careful with my answer but i think i
actually gave an answer that was too personal. which was part of my whole
hesitation with this game. Oops....
the thing about this game is that i am an open person, i will tell most
people anything about me. but my relationship with mark is very sacred to me
and the details of our relationship and my feelings for him are very special
and i like to keep them private. there a very few people that i would make
privy to information about our relationship. and again, chris, neil, cole -
these are not my friends. if mark wants to share information about us with
them, that's fine but i don't want to be there and he can do so on his own
account. I wonder if I'd feel differently if it were my friends (or former
friends I guess) I think I might have been a little less guarded but I think
I would feel the same...
isn't it lovely how i can turn what appears to be a harmless game of truth
or dare into a gross invasion of privacy??? lol no one can ruin mindless fun
like me!
so we went inside and the game started up again, it went on a while and sure
enough my feeling was right. now cole gets 2 points and a strike for this
one. he said that he feels that mark was in love with me long before he said
it to me. that was actually a really nice thing to say and it made me feel
good and since that's a rarity for cole and me i think it's important to
acknowledge that. his question was why it took him so long to tell me. and
my god i started to sweat in places i didn't know you could sweat. mark went
on to explain, which in a way was interesting because i actually was
interested in this answer myself...lol... he said that basically that when
dealing with emotions that's its very powerful and he had a fear of getting
hurt and a fear of hurting me, being responsible for my feelings. he put
emphasis on the latter, but i truly believe that it was the fear of getting
hurt that was prevalent. which is the same reason i waited so long so i
totally understand. and then cole started asking if he still has love for
past girlfriends and so on.... ugggghhhh i wanted to run. not because of
what the answers are but that this discussion was so public.
then that passed and the most childish ridiculous part of this started. neil
thinks a good dare is for him to give one good judgment and one judgment
about each person in the room.
UM NO THANKS!!!! No offence, but there was not one person (other than mark
obviously) that I respect enough that i care to put any validity into their
opinion of me. well maybe becky a little bit. Frankly i truly couldn't care
less what any of them think of me and i think it would almost be
hypocritical to entertain the idea of listening to this nonsense. i think i
joked to mark let's pack the car up now.
i realize that no one was aware of this about me (probably because they
don't really know me that well) but i feel very strongly that its
irresponsible to let yourself be effected by what others think of you. i
have a very solid sense of self. i know who i am and what kind of person i
am. there are a handful of people who TRULY know me and even less that i
hold in such a high regard that i would take in account their judgments of
what kind of person i am. You can judge my hair, my clothes, the food I eat,
the places I go.... But judging me as a person - ha!
so sitting around this room looking at cole, neil, chris - it was almost
laughable..... THESE people are going to pass judgment on me. Good or bad, i
don't want to hear it, but it was going to happen anyway. The irony of this
moment is hilarious. neil's judgment was that i was easy to talk to an
affectionate. and my bad judgment was that i hide behind my looks. he said
that have to many fears that i hold back on participating because of how i
might appear that i uphold certain standards. and then it came back to why i
don't swim in lakes... hahahahahhaaha!!! i wasn't mad or bothered by what he
said at all! i was totally prepared to be like 'gfy'. but i wasn't because -
he was absolutely right!!! i totally have standards and i don't do stuff
that's beneath me. like i always say 'nothing but the best'. and i totally
acknowledge that i might miss out on certain experiences that i shouldn't.
and i WILL make a valiant effort to make sure that i don't close myself off
to things, but do i have standards HELL YEAH!!! and i looooooove it!!! and
mark does too that's one thing we have in common that makes us such a great
team. so one persons 'negative' is one of my most proud personality traits!
point 2 for cole - he said that even though i look like i'm a certain way
i'm actually not. (read: even though she might look like a hoity toity stuck
up bitch - she's really not) thanks cole! i really did appreciate that.
then neil got to mark. neil is a squirmy little guy - he said that mark was
easy to talk to and a good listener or something like that and then he said
that he had trouble with commitment. he said that he commits to something
and then he backs out. i was like 'um what' .... get it... get it... like he
commits to me and then backs out. (touch wood... tuh tuh tuh) okay my lame
attempt at being funny. he said that two years ago mark agreed to go on a
jewish trip to NYC and then he backed out. the real story which i could
smell a mile away before they even explained what had happened, was it was
some sort of culty jewish group and mark saw it for what it was and decided
not to go! good for him, so what he let neil down, thats too bad but he's
not going to go to NY for a cult retreat just because he 'committed'!! and
then he threw in the fact that his parents convinced him not to.... I felt
really bad because I perpetuated that by mentioning that he often takes on
the advise of his sister Karen. (more on that later)
now i spoke up and i defended this because one of the things i admire in
mark is the fact that he is incredibly strong and confident in his choices.
he doesn't do something that he doesn't want to do and he his able to speak
up and to what's right for him. he is always true to himself. mark has
helped me in so many ways by being like this and I have learned from him. so
for someone to call that a negative about mark - no fucking way!!!! you
don't call him a flake and get away with that. mark has more balls than most
people thats all. and then he went on some tangent about how he says he'll
do things and never follows though like the video editing thing. he said
that mark has told him that he thought it was a good idea and then didn't do
anything with it. i totally lost it inside, i was fuming. mark probably did
think it was a good idea at the time and then when he thought about the
logistics of it obviously its not that great of an idea. i told neil that
the thing is, as close as he thinks they are he really has no fucking clue
what its like to be mark - or any one else for that matter. so before he
starts passing judgment on something learn your facts!! He says that if mark
did this editing that he'd get his name out there in the acting industry and
that he could make money. Neil made it appear as if it was a personal insult
that he didn't follow up on the idea. He doesn't have a clue about this. If
mark wanted to video edit he'd a) have to train and master it (6 months
maybe?) b)invest in all the proper equipment c)start building a clientele. I
say it would take him about a year and some serious coin invested to make
this a business that would make him profit.... And for what???? It will in
no way shape or for assist him in reaching his goal and if anything it will
hinder it if his name gets associated as 'that demo guy'. I can't even
really remember what exactly I said to neil I was so infuriated. All I know
is I think I made it clear that his comments were not only incorrect but
irresponsible.
Afterwards cole wanted to pass his judgments and I think I might have
blocked it out completely. But they got into this discussion about mark and
his parents and how coles life is so much harder than his and so on. I
couldn't believe what I was hearing. Yes mark's parents are very involved in
his life and his choices but there is a reason for that. His relationship
with his parents is excellent. Mark is lucky to have that in his life and
most people aren't so fortunate, so for them to act like he should disregard
his parents advice is.... UGHHHHHH!!!! Sickening!!! I just cannot wrap my
head around how these people think that the have some sort of authority on
what is and isn't right for mark.
Then it came to mark and he started doing this judgment thing. I have to say
that I was a little surprised that he actually contributed to this
silliness. He told cole the obvious and he told neil that he has tunnel
vision (more on that later) and then cole said 'do karyn's' - and he did! I
was totally not expecting that and it caught me a little off guard. He
started with my bad judgment which was that I don't express my feelings
enough to which I responded 'neither do you!'. I wasn't offended in any way
because what he said to some extent is true but I think he's worse than me!
But like he said we can help each other overcome this and truthfully I think
that in time we will both learn to express our feelings better, you give a
little and when you see that nothing bad happens and you give a bit more...
sometimes you need to see that its safe to open yourself up. Then he started
to go on to the good judgment and I asked him not to. I wanted to take some
control of what was happening. I want these sort of things to be private and
just between us.
i went to bed and i started on another anxiety attack i breathing became
shallow and my chest tightened. it feels like being trapped. i closed my
eyes and i started to take deep breaths and i thought about what just
happened. as much as i hated it and found this whole thing disgusting, i
know that like all things that happen in my life, big and small it was meant
to happen and it happened for a reason. its important that i look at the
experience and look for the lessons and the good that lies within it. i have
to put aside my pride and my anger and be open to the experience, take
something useful from something unpleasant. it was definitely an experience
that proved to me, mine and mark's strength as a team. As much as I had
thought that I would always stand up for mark it hadn't really been tested
before. I didn't realize the extent that I would feel the need to protect
him, the feeling inside when someone says something unkind about him is
overpowering. its far worse than someone saying something about me.
The next day we woke up got ready for breakfast, I flat ironed marks
hair.... It looked really cute, but he really did look like his agent!! We
finally agreed to drive, we crammed into marks car and we drove to Sharon's
- which is this diner we went to once but we don't really like. Anyway chris
said something about needing a convenience store and we drove to the diner
we wanted to go to and chris started getting pissed off about not going to
the store, mark offered to take him and chris was just ungrateful and
blaming mark. Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!! I think I was at the end of my rope, I got out
of the car and I said 'you fucking losers!!!' luckily no one heard me. i was
sooooooo beyond annoyed. i just wanted to grab mark and take him away and
tell him that he is soooo above this....
but i think that its because i don't fight. i don't usually argue or get
angry or be rude with people. conflict is a type of intamacy and i don't
share that with anyone.... except for mark and my parents. so i forget that
in friendships, the strong ones will have conflict and thats just part of
it. it doesn't make it any easier for me to accept people treating mark like
that. but these are his friends, they are an eclectic group and mark is
drawn to that. so i need to bite my tounge and breathe it away. but at that
moment it was a build-up from the entire weekend you couldn't get me out
fast enough.
i asked mark for us to leave after breakfast.