le sigh...

08.26.05 (8:28 am)   [edit]

well what can i say.


today is different. the whole feel of today is different. is quiet and solum and it seems like time is moving very rapidly. i have 3 days left of work at the college. i'm scared. everyday for the past 4 years i have come to this building. it stopped being a job and somehow became the place that i come in the mornings. everything is so familliar and comfortable. i know all the little details about this place. the days go by quickly here. also the people are good people, these faces are all familliar. i know about their lives and their weekends, their wives and their children. i spend more time with these people then with anyone else. and they care about me. somewhere along the line i made some friends, and even though i never made any effort or participated in any of the social things, i really did make some good friends. i am very very grateful for that. i guess what i'm saying is that, i'm going to miss this place.


this weekend was very interesting and seemed really busy for some reason. on friday i was feeling really crappy because of my lack of friends. i was telling mark on msn how upset i was. he had some good points but i could tell he was weary of me assosiating with my old group. which is understandable. he was very supportive and told me that we're best friends and that i have him. it was very sweet. then he told me to come over so i went by his place and we had a very lovley time. he was so loving. we fell asleep and we slept even though there was a huge thunderstorm. after a little while i helped him with his lines. i really didn't want to because the whole time i kept thinking about the fact that he had to kiss and touch another girl. but thats what i'm hear for, to help him and support him. after that i went home and took a nap. the wrap party for the film was that night. ash keep me posted and asked me when i was coming and all that. i'm not sure about him, i know he likes me. i know he does but does he think he has a chance? hope not. i like him though, he's funny and we get along well. we could have been friends maybe, but oh well. anyway mark was supposed to come with me. he called me and told me he was running late so i went on ahead. i ended up meeting ash just before and we arrived together. i just sat and hung out and chatted with the guys. the party was bare and dull. i was really just putting in time. then mark called and told me he was done, i asked him what scene he had shot and he told me it was that one. i felt sad. i told him not to bother coming that i was leaving soon anyway. i couldn't be happy after that so i just got up and left, i offered ash a ride home. i told hime what was on my mind and he laughed at me. i know that i was being silly but its just the way i felt. i can't help that. so i dropped him home and then i called mark. i told him how much it had upset me and how much crying i had done about the whole thing. he was very appologetic and he felt bad. it was just nice to tell him how i was feeling. the

school vs work

08.11.05 (10:01 am)   [edit]

it's actually beginning to sink in now. i'm starting university in less than a month. holy shit. i'm going to have to do work, and papers and stuff like that. yeesh. i had forgotton why exactly i was so egar to go to school, but trying to balance auditioning and work just wasn't working. i suppose i'm less aware of it now since i've been auditioning way less because of the film and because i have way more freedom working with lynda. but i know that this will be good for me and i will have fun. its just seems so restricting being in school as far as travel is concerned.


mark was talking about going to vancouver next year for pilot season. ideally if he were to go i'd like to go with him and try it out. but i don't finish school until april so maybe he will wait who knows. i'm not sure if this move is the best choice. i know that his mom is very concerned about this. it just seems that its such a financial commitment to do that nevermind a life commitment. even though if i were him, i would not do it. i do support him because you truly do not know what could happen until you try. sure there are no signs saying this move would be of any significant value but there is nothing to say that this couldn't be the oppertunity he's looking for. and mark being as commited as he is i think he would need to give it a shot. it fills me with dread to think what would be if he went there and nothing came of it. it wouldn't be the end of the road as there would be other avenues to venture and essentially the entire world to explore. but i would like nothing more than for his next venture to be the one. so he can stop searching, so he could have a life that he could grow and build and be happy. do all the what ifs could stop.


i'm also realizing that i have to get a job. this totally SUCKS. going from making 50 000 to some dinky hourly wage is going to be a blow to my system. i cannot imagine having to restrain myself. this is horrible. hopefully with some luck i might actually land something and  get some substantial funds. that would be awesome. but i am not that silly to bank on it, so i have to start looking for a restaurant job or call centre or something....


julian offered me a position at his bar. i didn't end up folowing up on it too much. the problem there is that i don't know what's in his head. now i like julian alot - he's a superfun guy but obviously he's just a friend. now i almost forgot a couple years ago on my birthday i was at an afterhours with elaine and rob and i ran into him there and he totally propositioned me. i had actually completley forgotton about that, so now i know he was interested in me. now in my dealings with him since have been perfectly pleasent and he's been very helpful but its those little things that strike me.... telling me how beautiful i am all the time? i'll look good in anything i wear? i'm so exotic? do guys say this sort of stuff to girls they are just friends with?... i dunno, but my gut is telling me i'm asking for trouble...


i just don't think its right for me to go work there, i mean if some chick was desparate to tap marks ass (or have her ass tapped rather) then i don't think i would be too pleased.... so although technically he hasn't done anything too wrong, if i start working there and one night closing up he trys to work it.... i would have put myself there because i saw it coming.  but i remember having a talk with mark about my guy friends always turning out having other motives... and he said that any single guy will have those underlying intentions. so am i being silly? am i sabotaging potential friendships as well as oppertunitys on the premis of something that hasn't even happened yet? i dunno whatever, the whole thing makes my head hurt.


so i still need to get a job.... i'm not exactly sure what or where.... but i want something that won't completley SUCK and something that i could make somewhat decent money. now i just need to figure out what that is.


i would really like to move out. but going to school full-time probabley wont allow that unless i get lucky with a gig or come into some serious money for some reason. i need to keep my goals in sight, i need to pay off my debts and start saving for a house. so maybe the next year will be a little stuffy and crampy but in the long run it will be okay. i will make my room as livable as possible and try to plan some trips and weekend getaways. also christmas is coming up so most places will be hiring, i will try to get a retail job for a little while so i can afford to by presents.


 

kissing and crying...

08.09.05 (7:30 am)   [edit]

last night i went to pick up a box to send the coins and then i called mark to see if he was home so i could drop it off. he was on his way home from the gym playing squash with jeremy so i met him at his house. when i went up to his room i saw the script for the independant film project that he's working on. i asked him if could see it. i scanned though it looking for the jist of he story, the characters, the sum of his parts, i slowed down when i saw his lines highlighted. it was all pretty mundane intricate chatter (which is my favourite stuff anyway) seemed pretty interesting. and then i get to a part where it calls for him to kiss his scene partner and then make out hardcore. my heart fell to my stomach i thought i was going to throw up, my face got all hot. it's not like i didn't know about it, he had already told me and i was totally okay with it. obviously i didn't love it but whatever its a part of the industry. so why was i reacting like this?


i moved over to his computer trying to make busy, even though my brain was really just in a state of shock. i knew i was visibly sad so i had to get out of there as quickly as possible. mark was heading out to jeremy's to watch a movie. he invited me to come but i think it's important that he spends time alone with his friends. but more importantly i couldn't let him see that i was upset. my face just felt so hot and i could feel my eyes start to fill with tears, i managed to fight it. i told him that i had a headache incase he did notice i had a reason for me looking so unwell.


i got in my car and said goodbye to him and he headed off to jer's. the second i shut my car door the tears just wouldn't stop. i couldn't stop crying, i was trying to drive and cry at the same time and then i'd start to laugh at how rediculos this was.... and then start wailing even louder.


what was wrong with me? i totally trust him and i know it's part of the work and some day i'll have to do it too... so i had totally rationalized it in my head but i guess deep down it made me sad. i guess i'm not as tough as i thought. i guess when i think of mark doing a scene like that i think of our scene, and thats really special to me and to think of him doing that with someone else makes me sad.


i can't let him know though, i have to act like i'm totally cool with this because this is really great for him. he hasn't had a project in a while so i want him to enjoy it and have fun and focus on it with out thinking 'my girlfrend is at home crying her eyes out because of this' i don't want him to have to concern himself with my nonsense.


but if he refers her to lewis i'll be pissed. lol.

memory foam....

08.08.05 (10:19 am)   [edit]

i have a problem and i don't know how to fix it.


i don't have any friends. i don't have anybody in my life that i really feel close to that is my friend and mine alone. i think there are many factors that have contributed to this, the fact that i switched high schools 3 times and i always always ended up in the wrong crowd. the fact that i didn't go to university after highschool i missed that social circle there.... the fact that i've had a boyfriend for the past 7 years, i really never needed friends. and then theres the fact that i don't know how to keep friends. i manage to sabotage all of my friendships. i don't know what to do.


but it's apparent now more than ever that i need to have my own circle of friends. when i was with richard we had mutual friends, which i guess automatically sets of bells because look what happened. all the people who i thought were my friends aren't. they'd rather hang around that loser than me. i supose it's a loyalty thing which i get but in the end i get screwed and hurt. so the idea of my only social circle being mark's friends is a tad scary. the other reason this wont work is simply because i don't like mark's friends. i don't dislike them but they certainly are not my friends and i don't see that ever really happening.


i mean i don't like cole. if i never see him again i would be perfectly happy with that. i cannot see what mark sees in him. i don't like hanging out with him so i think from now on mark should hang out with him by himself. i feel bad though because i do like becky and i know that she likes to have me around. then basically there is tim, chris, niel and mozes. just doesn't do it for me. so why should i hang around people i don't particularly enjoy being around and why should mark have to worry about weather i'm having a good time or not. so i think more of my time with mark will be spent one on one. i have to be confident that he loves me, i know he does and that he will make good choices for our relationship. and perhaps because of this our time together will be more valuble. so as a result i have to find some ways to occupy my time... i think once i start school i will be slightly busier and not have the time to go out as much. i would like to start working out and taking a yoga class. i would like to start taking acting classes again. but having people to spend time with, i dont know how i can make that happen. it just needs to happen naturally. i need to believe that i will find these people.


this weekend i went on the rafting trip. well all i can say is that Cole is bloody annoying, he makes me so irritable. i don't even know how to handle it and then it becomes a downward spiral... everything starts pissing me off i am in a horriblw mood, i start looking at the big picture and then i feel that i become unplesant. i become a nusaince to others. and i don't like that. i find him disrespectful and selfish. he's so needy, he can't stand to be away from mark for 5 mins. its disgusting. he seriously has some issues.


when cole wasn't pissing me off everything was reasonably calm and enjoyable. mark offended me a little when he told me that i was being really cold to jen who is tim's 'so-called girlfriend'.


 


jen is simply put - a pathetic loser.


okay i know that might seem harsh but i dont think i'm being mean when thats really the case.


when i see her i can see her crazy manipulative tendancies a mile away. and like i said before the reason i can spot them is because i used to be like that. there was a time when i was so engulfed in my insecurites that i became a toxic person to be around. in fact i caused very good friends some problems and created some situations that shouldn't have happened. the difference is that i'm much smarter than her and i was able to pull the wool over some people's eyes for a long time and some of my underlying intentions and motives were never visable. i was a manipulator. i never meant to hurt anyone, i my intent wasn't to cause harm - it was that i was desperate to keep my life in order. in my life that i had little control over, it was my attempts and holding the pieces together.


and the root of my toxic behaiviour - a very very unhealthy somewhat abusive relationship.


now i could feel sorry for her because i know where her head is at in many ways. but sorry sweetheart - i know how people like her operate and i know the kind of damage that they can do. and i'm not going to open up life up to her and as much as i can i will keep her out of mine and mark's life. someone else in her life is going to have to knock some sense in her and hold her hand but right now all she is is trouble.


mark is a good person and he knows that tim doesn't treat her right and feels sorry for her. i know that they are not friends but he does talk to her quite frequently (msn). i would never ask him not to talk to her, it's not his fault. but it's my natural reaction to want to protect the people i love. i do not ever want to see her try to get mark to play her game. and i know she's worked it in the past but since i've come in the picture i'd like to see that stop. in fact i wouldn't like to see her play her games with any of marks friends. in fact not only that but i don't even feel sorry for her anymore when it comes to her relationship with tim.


I think that what tim does is wrong, he should never treat someone like that and the fact that he cheats on her leaves me with zero respect for him. but tim is one smart guy, he is well aware of what he has and that he is in complete control.


so my distaste for her occours on two levels


1) she's a toxic person


2) and through her manipulation she's stepping on my toes


the thing she fails to see (which i failed to see too) is that by becoming that person you no longer become the innocent party. no longer are you the person who is being done wrong. you are adding fuel to the fire. you deserve the conceuences of your actions. and the moment she sees that she's being self destructive she will be able to change her life.