dreaming of hollywood

unwelcome visiter

the thing about reality is that it sucks. there is no perfect. and believing that things could be perfect is only self destrutive because the only thing that could come out of it is dissapointment.

today i got the lovley news that KW is back in toronto. this is a funny subject because really i can't even put a proper label or description to it. i don't even know what it is. i know she doesn't want anything from M. And even though i don't think that M wants anything from her i cannot get that day out of my head. the day she called about her stupid ipod. i saw so clearly where he stood. no one can make M do something but if i ever saw a ball and chain it was at that moment. and that was eyeopening. i mean who am i kidding before me it was HER picture in that frame. life goes on and she dissapears for a while and i forget about it and the every once and a while i get the reality knock and she comes back into toronto and i am reminded of this twisted attachement. i wish she would stay away or in actuality i wish mark would let her go. this morning i called mark and he said he was on the other line. i KNEW in my gut it was her. and sure enough it was. i know that i should listen to my instincts because they are always always right but i'm scared because what i feel isn't a welcome feeling. i am waiting for maybe next week or two, M will tell me the day of that he is meeting up with her for some sort of meal. and he won't ask me how i feel he will just tell me and thats that. and i will know that he would have made these plans some time ago and opted not to tell me until the last minuite so there is not time for discussion. its funny how M and i could have such a facade going. i dont think he can truly belive that i believe what he tells me about her. but i choose my battles and this is one that i cannot win so i keep the door shut and my eyes open.

i also believe that when things aren't nessesarily in your favor you have to draw on these experiences and see what you can learn from them. i need to learn to be more aware and in touch with reality because only when you truly admit to yourself what you are dealing with can you work to make it better.