living in the west end...

02.28.06 (1:34 am)   [edit]
So today is February 27th and i am in my room in our Vancouver condo. I've been here now for two full weeks and i'm finally able to write. its been to hectic, too unsettled prior to now to have a moment to write let alone articulate this experience. this venture started off with a conflict. my agent in toronto called me with an audition for SWGTS, a show that i have auditioned for before and have a good repore with the director. Tuesday. the day AFTER i was set to arrive in vancouver. i was torn, i hated to upheavel our plans and i know that it would stress mark out. and i was really excited about this being our adventure together from start to finish and then i get this call... i was going to stay, and then not, and then stay and then not but ultimatley i decided to go forth as planned. I knew i was walking away from oppertunitys. i knew that from the start. walking away from something and walking into the unknown is hard. the unknown could be great, better and filled with opertunity, but the unknown could also be absolutley nothing. only time could tell. and no one ever wins big playing it safe. i had mananged to momentarily filter all my hesitations, fears and doubts out and turn them in to focus, the risk and thrill of what could be out here for me. you have to try. you will never know unless you try. The unknown became a growing plane - first the unknown of what my carrer path was and then the unknown of my personal life. it was scary, there were so many different possible outcomes to this 'unknown' what if mark wants to stay and i dont. or i want to stay and he doesnt? what if the scales of comprimise dont balance. my own thoughts were enough to keep me awake for nights. kyle offered up his advice - uncencored. dont go. you're making a big mistake. he says. he told me that he thinks that my relationship with mark is making me make huge sacrifices that he would not make for me and that i should rethink my desision. not helpful. when you're already unsure and scared youre friends telling you youre about to ruin your life can be dicouraging. but on the other hand what more could i expect. i have to say that i remain shocked that kyle cannot see that our relationship is solid. i mean in the beginning maybe kyle had some merit to being concerned but i think he sould have been able to see by now that we're not going to fall apart. we're stronger than that and we will deal with what comes our way as it comes our way. None the less maybe my nerves and my insecurites led me to bring it up. i asked mark all the what ifs and he said that we'll have to see what happens. it just wasnt good enough for me, i wanted a promise that it would be okay, that we would be okay. i kept asking if i was going to make the move out here for him if i needed to make the move back would he do that for me. then he picked up on the real issue, which i hadn't even realised that it was until the words came out of his mouth. If he would choose to be with me above all else. that is what i wanted to know i suppose. he assured me that i am a factor in his desisions and that we would work it out if the situation arose. i believe him. i suppose i always knew it but needed to hear it. So i packed my bags. and i went to sleep. the morning had come. i wrote my mother a letter to tell her i love her. things have changed so much between me and her with out hardly word being spoken. i truly was going to miss her. the flight was fine, i took a nap and we watched tv. 5 hours and we were in vancouver. mark was feeling very ill. perhaps from the travel,the plane food we werent sure... we went to gather our luggage. things were different here. it was quieter here. luggage carts are free. people are calmer. we went to get our rental car draging our giant suitcases behind us. we figured out that we needed to take a shuttle bus to the rental place. we walked outside. the air smelled like freshness with a hint of fish. you could smell that you were somewhere new. we got on the shuttle bus and mark looked like he was going to be sick. i felt so awful for him and wished so much for him to feel well. i took time to take in the moments anyway, this was it, this was our new home. the bus drove a short while and i was taken back by the terrain. mountains. around a large city, these huge beautiful snow topped mountains. i was mezmorized. it was warmer already and i was excited to see the city. we got to the rental place and i passed by the tourists and the old people to the front of the line to get the car. there were problems and unexpected charges but i didnt argue, mark wasnt holding up too well. we jammed our luggage into the car and i drove us off the lot. about one block away. mark was so sick that he couldnt be in the car, and i'm sure that my driving wasnt helping. i drive to canadian tire where he got in and out of the car and into the store to throw up. i got him some water. i so wanted him to be better. for him and for me. i wanted to get to our place i wanted to get settled see where our new home was. but it was about to be a slow venture home. after about 40 mins or so mark got in the car and we drove to the womans who had the keys. i drove a new car and in a new city all by myself. mind you we had to pull over a few times for mark to throw up. this was one bad situation. finally we drove to downtown vancouver. the signs are different and the lights do wierd things. but the drivers are calmer and slower. perfect. we got to our apartment and the building was nice. we opened the door and were plesantly suprised. small but very new and homly. it was clean and comfortable and the view - amazing. the mountains over looking the bay. its truly beautiful here. mark and i unpacked a little and we took a walk around the area. starbucks, pizza hut, dominos, subway and mcdonalds. sweet. tons of little restaurants and the grocery store was right there. we bought a pizza from dominos and went home to watch the bachelor. the next few days we spent exploring the city. i put myself on tape for a pilot in NYC. i visited casting w. and we walked and walked all over the city. our feet and backs ached. soon after we discovered sushi. sushi here is amazing. we have an all you can eat place just a block away. so delish. we went there for valentines day. it was so lovley. i was supposed to meet with some agents but for some reason or another they were moved. mark's agent called him with an audition for some pilot. this week i wasnt feeling myself. i wasnt unhappy but unsettled. i didnt really like anything, i didnt feel much about anything. things were annoying me for no reason. i think i felt like i wasnt moving forward but i couldnt really understand it. all i know was that i was probabley distant and grumpy. on the sunday mark had his audition. it seems suspect from the start. they were seeing him and only him for some filler scenes for something that had already been shot. he was a stipper/sex scene. he was to meet this man in a hotel room to work the scene. hmmm. in my gut i knew there was something not right about this. i felt like there was something all wrong about this man and about this piece. the script was garbage and not even written in the standard. and the working the scene in a hotel room. i even suprised myself at my lack of emotion. i felt lathargic and asleep. i didnt care. i cared but i wasnt having the anxity that i SHOULD have been having over this. and i didnt say anything mucb other in my joking manner about my concern over this meeting. so he went. and everything i feared happened. the didnt just work the scene they did the scence. the directore was some sort of voyeristic pervert encouraging the sexual contact. mark called me after the audtition to tell me and he said that i didnt want to know, he said it went too far and that he felt very uncomfortable with it. he told me partial details and about the man who excecuted this debocale. his story lit my fire. whatever had died, whatever daze or slump i was in was over. i could feel again. i cared. all the feeling came rushing back like someone had opened the floodgates. i could feel it in my heart and in my veins and in my mouth. i met mark to exchange the keys and then i went on my first walk alone in the city. i cried. i cried and cried. i didn't even know what i was crying about. i just knew that it hurt me. i hated. that wasnt an audition. you dont do that in auditions. and then i thought of mark and i knew that he meant it when he said he was uncomfortable with it. i knew it wasnt him. but i hated that he was put in that room i hated this. and they offered him the part and i knew he would take it. if it was an oppertunity he would take it. i could only imagine what other unethical and perverse things would lie ahead. i was angry. i was hurting and i had no control over it. i hated it. when i got back mark was anxious about me being upset and it seemed that he was still unsure about what to do, which didnt make sense because i was sure he was going to do it. i told him how i felt and he was to speak with his agent. his agent called and he went into the other room and spoke. i couldnt hear. he came out and told me that he wasnt going to do it. a wave of relief swept over me. he told me that his agent was disgusted and outraged by what occoured. he then elaborated about the encounter. i want to vomit and i tear up writing this now. he hadnt shared with me the whole details. this man directed him to put his hand down the girls underwear she was topless and i dont even know what else happened. it was all i could take. i know he felt wrong about it and the he too was releived about it. if he was single maybe itd be different but i know that being the good person that he is that he was feeling disloyal. I was devestated. DEVESTATED. i cried and cried. i dug my nails deep into my chest and rans then down my body trying to take away from the pain, i pulled and my hair and just wished for something to hurt more than this was hurting me. i know he didnt mean to, i know he was confused at time and not sure of what was happening but he still did it. why did he do it?? why? why didnt he just walk away. he knows thats too far, nudity is too far and in a hotel room for FUCKS SAKE. he should have known better. HE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER. he said he felt like he cheated. well i do feel cheated and i do feel betrayed. it's so many shades of grey because i know where his heart is and i know it hurts him that i'm hurting. but FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!! Why did he do it. This is my boyfriend, this is my life too and all of this has nothing to do with me, i just wanted to shake him so hard, just shake him. FUCK. He should have known better. i wasnt mad at mark. it happened. he didnt mean it. but I was raging. RAGING. I was so angry that angry wasnt even anger anymore. it was rage. pure firey rage. I was angry and this man who brought him there who conducted this sick twisted sharade with promises of sucess. i wanted to hurt him. sometimes i truly believe i am capable of killing someone. i wanted him dead. i truly did. the rage was so consuming i couldnt stop thinking about it. i hated feeling like this. i hated it. i hated that this man had created this situation that made me feel like this. i wanted it out. i wanted the visions out and the rage out of my body. i walked and walked and walked. i had a meeting with an agent. i walked and walked and raged and walked. i never told mark how i felt cheated on. that i felt betrayed and i never told him about the rage that was taking over my body. because NOTHING could change it. so i either had to move forward or move on. and moving on is not an option, we're stronger than this. so it was up to me to move forward. at the very least at least my passion was back. mark was blading to catch up with me. i dont know why he came. i knew he knew i was troubled. he was being so good. he was just waiting for me to come back. he didnt pressure me or act out. he just waited. i met with agent. the second one of the trip. we spoke and it clicked immediatley. just like amanda. she was so excited and enthusiastic about me and had such exciting plans and goals. and then i noticed her red hair. just like Anne had said. i tried to ignore it but i couldnt. uncanny or conincidental i'm not sure which one. i agreed for her to represent me and we filled out all the paperwork and got things started. i was on a high. i was excited about me again. Slowly the rage slipped out of my body. the hurt was still there. but the rage was gone, i had something good to focus on again. i told mark about it who had waited at a local cafe. i was excited. i could see that he was happy and confused at the same time. its hard for him not to compare himself to me. and vice versa. we walked home. healing. we decided to walk by the new amsterdam cafe on the way home. it was the most bizzare encounter i've ever had. we walked into the cafe where people were all eating and drinking and rolling joints. there was a room in the back for smoking. i asked about the secong floor where patrick from tribe had suggested us to go. the mark asked some brazillian tourists about where to buy. the door next door led us to a room with a bouncer and a man with a cash box and a scale. we bought 20. what a blantat disregard for the law. so bizzare. The rest of the week we did some more exploring, we smoked weed and watched the few channels we had. we saw D&T and marks friend dominic. things were settleing down. i was beginning to feel settled and at home. the idea of staying was becoming more and more feasable. I applied at aritzia and was offered a job there. 10/h. i am excited and dreading it at the same time. but i need to make an income to take care for my bills. Visa took money from my account and my cards were racking up. the stress that comes from debt is awful. i also applied at the ebay call centre in burnaby. we shall see. My agent in Toronto called to tell me that the the casting director in NYC receieved my tape. and they sent two tapes to LA for the casting. two, it was down to two girls and mine was one of them. The CD called about my american working status. motherfuck. so close. what a great feeling though. at least i came close. at least i came close. but close isn't good enough. my skin is causing me great concern. its acting up and freaking me out. i went to the dr who precribed me this cream. its not working. i'm going to go try proactive again and stick to it. So here we are in the third week here. i feel comfortable and lost at the same time. i have done everything that i can do and now i just have to wait and see what happens. there is so much more unknown each day. but it is okay. i feel at peace that we will figure it out together. this peace is now letting me enjoy the things that i have. i am now able to enjoy living with mark, sharing a place and a life. i enjoy our bed and our bath tub. i enjoy making tea. i enjoy our dinners and our conversations. i look at him and smile. i have time to remember to love him and enjoy what that feels like. its so easy with him so natural. its not work to be in this relationship. i am enjoying the rish i took and living in a new city. i'm enjoying the new contacts i've made and the potential. last night i told mark a story. i told him a mama story. i miss my mom. i miss her face and her smile. i wish that i could be there with her. i see more and more each day what a wonderful mother she was. retelling her mama stories. those are memories that last forever. i wish i could see her. i also miss earl and my cats and my dad too. but thats okay. i wish i could see them too but if i had only one wish it would to see my mom.

never good enough

02.02.06 (8:06 pm)   [edit]
not even one day. i woke up this morning to the sound of the radio signals crossing causing my alarm clock to emit a static sound. i felt around for my phone. it was him. he sounded cheerful, perhaps eger to talk as we simply just didn't speak much the day before. i felt much better after a good nights sleep. i felt like my worries and my over active brain were calmed. i realized that the issue of conversion was not an iminent issue. although at the same i time i do feel its better to talk about these things before they really become an issue. we took a trip to my agents office. i was nervous about telling them of my chioce to head out to vancouver. the meeting went well although they discouraged my trip they proved that they were eger to continue working with me. we drove back to his place and he went to his mothers room to say hello. i hesitated. there was something about the way she said hello the last time i saw her that didnt sit well with me. i went in to say hi. she was cold and guarded. we started to speak of vancouver and out trip and i was greated with her dissaproval. she expressed her displeasure towards our choices. then she asked me if i would convert. she said it was very important. she said that she spoke with cole and that he said i was very smart and would say what i could to get mark. she doubted my intentions and my sincerity. i was devestated. i gave my everything for mark, i sacrificed my own wants, needs and feelings so he could feel ready for our relationship. i never manipulated or misled anyone and to be accused of that is heartbreaking. i dont know how much damage was done. i know that mark loves his family very much and im sure he would like the woman he marrys to be accepted by his family and welcomed. i'm sure he would like her to be welcome on friday nights and be part of the family. i'm sure these things are important.and i'm scared that i will not be able to give him that. i cannot be where i am not welcome. i dont want there to be a divide. i love him so much, so truly so unconditionaly that if that is something he wants for his future i will let him go as much as that breaks my heart.

conversion.

02.01.06 (11:25 pm)   [edit]
I might burst into tears again. i'm scared. for the first time ever in my relationship has a problem arisen that i was unsure about the outcome. conversion. i had no idea how complicated and messy this issue would be. i didnt realize how many intricate layers there are to one single issue. i didn't realize how many peoples feelings are involved. when i first met mark, he told me that he's jewish but he wasn't practicing. i'm not quite sure where that comment came from but its certainly quite a strech from the truth. perhaps his own spiritual beliefs are different but being a part of such a tight knit family would reveal that being jewish is a major part of his life. as our relationship and our love developed i realized that there was a certain sense of importance that being jewish held for mark. i was able to see the gifts of a jewish upbringing and the idea of having our own family one day became appealing. i seriously thought about our future family and i felt that one day converting and rasing our kids jewish would be something i would want. i had my own reasons, i saw things that mark had growing up that was missing from my childhood that i would want for my children. i know that traditionally it is encouraged that jews marry jews to have jewish babies and that marks family would certainly prefer if he was to have a jewish partner. so when marks mother asked me if i would convert i could confidently say yes. i know that this was something that both his parents were pleased about and i was happy that my choice could make them happy. Lately this seemingly perfect arrangement, which once seemed so black and white is getting grey. After a conversation between cole and marks mother about conversion it was expressed that i must absoulutley convert. this was something that marks mom felt very strongly about and will not budge on. When it was brought up that mark and i had discussed having lights and a hunakah bush i'm told that she thought this was rediculos and strongly discouraged it. now i wasnt there for the conversation so i cant really say anything about it but its something that is causing me stress and worry. I have a very good relationship with his parents and i love them very much. they are kind and loving people and have treated me very well. which makes it so hard to question their motives. There really is no issue because i want to convert, they want me to convert so whats the problem? The problem is the reasoning and motives behind my reasons and their reasons and how they differ. I absoulutley have to convert. or what? what would happen if i didn't want to? would i no longer be accepted? and why is it so important? i honestly dont have an answer to these questions. i would like one and i can handle the answer as long as its honest. why when karen talks of dating a non-jew is it such an awful idea, if she found someone who loved her and she loved and they could have a beautiful life together what is it that is so wrong about not being jewish. i want to understand. I also think that what conversion means to me and what conversion means to marks family are two different things. I am who i am no matter what. If i convert i would be jewish, our children would be jewish. We would learn and teach about the jewish history and traditions and incoporate them into our family and their upbringing. We will be a jewish family. But i will never forget where i came from and the roots of my family. I will always be very proud of my family and i want our children to know and understand where their mother came from. i'm not asking for any sort of christian upbringing but i am asking for knowledge and understanding of their background because it is still part of them. i want them to celebrate diversity and embrace other cultures. so if that means having a christmas tree or decorating for chinese new year,I dont ever want ot have to hide the fact that i was not born jewish. One of the reasons i would like to raise a jewish family is because i see the sense of family, community and belonging that mark had growing up that i did not have. But the one thing my family taught me growing up and that i would like to pass on to my children is tolerance and acceptance. love and happiness are the essense of life and there are no rules attached to that. At the end of the day when someone asks our children what's their background they can say... "i'm jewish. my parents are both jewish, my dad is polish and russian and my mom is indian and german. grandparents on my dads side are jewish and my grandparents on my moms side are christian and way back when a great great grandfather was hindu. And i think thats pretty cool" and i hope that everyone involved can hear that answer with pride and see what a remarkable child that would be. But there is a very good chance that that is not the case and because of that i am scared. Lastly in my mind i would covert after marraige and before children. I do not want to have a religion specific wedding. i do not want to be married by a priest or a rabbi. my love with mark has no denonmination and so i feel it should not be marked as such. what does mark want? would this make me a permanent outcast. i know what happens when someone crosses his parents want for their children. i dont want to end up like dan. and he's jewish!